When the parent becomes the consusltant

WEBVTT

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[SPEAKER_01]: Hello and welcome to another episode.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'll be on the spectrum every age every need.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I am Sean Francis.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm your host and I am joined by my partner and thrive family and McCousin fellow caregiver for the warrior Mr. Maurice McDavid Maurice what up.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Another day another day of the trenches as they say.

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[SPEAKER_00]: There you go.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That would be her.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Glad to be her.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And looking forward to.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what happened there.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's crazy.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, we're looking forward to a great time.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We have a fantastic episode just ahead.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to another episode on Beyond The Spectrum.

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[SPEAKER_01]: All right, I'll kind of want to just keep going and let the group roll.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, before we jump into our show, we want to thank our friends and our partners at Billy Footwear, Billy Footwear makes adaptable footwear for, is it adaptable or adaptive footwear for everyone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But especially those who may have disabilities or challenges putting shoes on.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Billy Price, the founder.

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[SPEAKER_01]: suffered a catastrophic injury that left and paralyzed.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He had to learn how to do everything for himself all over again.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he did so successfully with the exception of putting shoes on.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Prototype was built.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Billy Footwear was born over a million pairs of shoes have been sold.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Countless lives touched and improved.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And we are happy to be in business with them.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If you click on the link in the show notes, you will get 10% off your final purchase at BillyFootwear.com.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We'd also like to encourage you if you or someone you know is a male caregiver, whether you're caring for an elderly person, you have a child with a diagnosis or a disability.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We'd like to welcome you and encourage you to attend our biweekly meeting known as the den.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't even know if I should call it a meeting.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But it's a men support group.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Once upon a time when I heard about a support group from men, I was resistant to being part of it because I

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[SPEAKER_01]: trying to figure out who had the biggest kill.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's not me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I spent two years in that support group getting support and offering support.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I just thought if men are not encouraged by society to express their feelings, be it joy, sorrow, fears, victories, defeats, then that probably applies 10 times more so to those who were caregivers.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And

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[SPEAKER_01]: loan behold, that's true of anything.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Anything that affects a general population affects us twice as much.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So the link to register is in the show notes as well.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It is free of charge.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Where you see if you want to just share a little bit about your experience with the din?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's been nothing short of a blessing.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You kind of realize you're not on your own.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's some of the challenges are common to other caregivers.

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[SPEAKER_00]: you realize that we men need each other and that encouragement for one another.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So it's a safe space to come, be heard, be encouraged to continue the good work that you're about as you take care of the people in your life.

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[SPEAKER_01]: There you go.

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[SPEAKER_01]: There you go.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And you never know what you can add to somebody, somebody else's life and space.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's great to know that you're not alone, but you'd be surprised how many people will, you find yourself in situations where

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[SPEAKER_01]: you let people know that they're not alone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I believe in the words of the Great Muhammad Ali, that service is the rent we pay for our room on earth.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So speaking of caregiving and journeys and all that kind of stuff, what we're gonna talk about today is the shift from parent to there's one of several terms, you're looking at stewardship, observer, coal pilot,

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[SPEAKER_01]: You're always a parent, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: But the matter of which you parent changes as your children gained independence and come of age, even when they're still under your roof, they drive, they come and go with friends, they eventually go off to college or move out.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And when you're a caregiver, that's a little different.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And how different it is depends on your

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[SPEAKER_01]: the supposed limitations that your child or love on may have, and I say supposed because I like to always speak the greatest things into existence and look for the light wherever the darkness may be.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But what I want to do is talk about, let's start with this.

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[SPEAKER_01]: When you're an social setting, especially we've talked about what it's like going out,

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[SPEAKER_01]: to retail stores and things like that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I've got a couple of challenging things here and they're just, you know, minor moments, not that big a deal.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But had something happened over the last week and a half.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That was a little different, which I'll, you know, touch on a little bit, but let me ask you worries, what would you say is probably the most challenging thing that you've experienced as a caregiver in that kind of setting?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because what I mean where that is, you know, when they're, when our children are,

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[SPEAKER_01]: babies and maybe they're, you know, they're crying or they're easily agitated, whatever I think.

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[SPEAKER_01]: They can't even walk.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So dealing with a challenge in a social setting is not that big of deal and people probably see very little difference between a neuro-typical child and one that is neuro-divergent with their baby.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But when they're a little bigger and, you know, up and walking and all that kind of stuff, this challenge is that we face whether it's stemming, being nonverbal,

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[SPEAKER_01]: but being frustrated, whatever the case might be.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Talk about what you think has been your greatest challenge in terms of experience and how you got through it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, having been around a lot of parents with kids with autism, meltdowns are kind of the,

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[SPEAKER_00]: Hope we're not going to help you out today, kind of thing, right, for me and probably a lot of parents that's the one thing you are concerned about in a social setting is that, you know, your kid will become agitated or upset or angry or kind of whatever that is, and they're, and not having the opportunity to bring them down from it in the midst of the social setting is really hard and you know, you start sweating bullets and you're worried about what everybody's thinking and, um,

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I would say that that's what jumps to write to the front of my mind is my son's name is Isaac and there have been occasions where he starts to get wound up by something and he gets louder and there you can't really sometimes you know encouraging calm and encouraging quiet just goes out the window.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then it's a tough balance for me between trying to tamp down the situation and reminding myself that, you know, he's dealing with autism and sometimes he just doesn't have the tools to come out of that spin.

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[SPEAKER_00]: you know, there have been occasions and my son loves the movies.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And there are times when he gets in the movies and he starts getting really loud, you know, talking about the movie or whatever, and you get him to realize, you know, it's supposed to be a quiet setting.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes he starts going, what are you doing dad?

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[SPEAKER_00]: What are you doing dad?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then more I say, okay, quiet down, he just asks, get louder and louder.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So

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[SPEAKER_00]: Um, it's like, uh, it's a, and you're not laughing in the middle of it at all.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, of course that course that because people are looking at you and stuff.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So, uh, yeah.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So it's either the meltdown or for me and my life, it's either the meltdown or when I six starts getting loud and the movie theater, those are the two public slash social settings where it can be really difficult.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And, uh, uh,

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you know, makes starts making you sweat internally and externally like we're going to be with this.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's what you're talking about.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm glad you mentioned the movie because I, I, I, that's always been like the the biggest one.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like we had an incident where we were in the grocery store.

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[SPEAKER_01]: then almost like just like, look, you need to really calm down, like, you know, but everybody else in the store was fine.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So it was a little more about just him not just trying to regulate him.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't have to worry about everybody else.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Um, what incident in a movie theater where he, the ones where he's gotten a loter than we, you know, than we would like.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he told him like,

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[SPEAKER_01]: or else we're gonna leave you like, no, no, no, and they'll get even louder and just like, oh my gosh, the one time there was an incident where

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[SPEAKER_01]: It bled into somebody else's reaction.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He wasn't even being loud.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And the couple was, it was an older couple, it was just very insensitive.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And we had a very good conversation once the credits rolled.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I think I told you about that because I wanted to, I wanted to tighten the dude up, do it in the movie.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I was just like, you know, not gonna do that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But I finally, you know, he's 19, he's diagnosed with autism at three.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I finally had an instance in a social setting retail or someone threatened to call someone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And this is a week and a half ago.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I haven't heard this story.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.

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[SPEAKER_01]: No.

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[SPEAKER_01]: No.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'll tell you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So he's going through as anyone who has loved one with autism will know that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, what comes with autism is, and something that can be a challenge, a gift or a curse.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then the analogy I've used, which I've said before and heard me talk about it when Superman comes to earth.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He discovers he's got heat vision.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure that wasn't a pretty picture.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It probably burned the crap out of something, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: But when he's able to harness it,

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's a gift and a tool that he can use perfectly.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He'd up a cup of coffee from a mile away to perfect temperature and not burn anyone in the process.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, so to is one's ability to focus on things when it comes to autism.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If you're trying to cross the street and you're focused on things other than the cars around you, that's not a good thing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If you have a task at hand or a job and you enjoy it and you can give hyper-focused to that task

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[SPEAKER_01]: That can be a good thing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And Elijah is very focused on right now, collecting brochures, business cards, and shopping bags, and he gets them all wherever we go.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm not gonna give specific locations just yet because I'm in the process of,

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[SPEAKER_01]: letting the entity know about themselves, but I want to have a problem mentioning the retailer as we go along.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But,

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, we were in the pharmacy at a Costco a couple weeks ago and he wanted a paper back and they'd given it to him before somebody as they do sometimes they don't, you know, sometimes they'll say they've said, you know, you, I'm sorry, we can't give you a bag unless you have a prescription.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So my wife bought like some, I think this pdf light or something like that and there was an actual like need for it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I think somebody wasn't feeling well at home

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[SPEAKER_01]: But this time, we were in Target, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so we've been at, this is a target location here in Los Angeles in the San Francisco, no, no, Valley.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and.

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[SPEAKER_01]: we have been to that one on multiple occasions and he will go up to that pharmacy and the pharmacy in Target is usually a CVS and he and I spoke with them yesterday so I have no problem mentioned CVS but he will you know ask for a paper bag and most of the time they've given it to a matter of fact I think they always have right at that particular location.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, we can have for go we were in there and he was asking.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And what I've done, because we're talking about the transition here from parenting to kind of guiding and stepping back and just kind of overseeing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: What I used to do when he would ask for something, because he's not non-verbal, he is verbal.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He will jam all his words together sometimes and maybe leave certain things out.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He's trying to introduce himself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We'll say, hi, Elijah, what's yours?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Or he'll, you know, you're what he usually does ask people their names.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And what I would do is just stand back and then I would interject and speak for him.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I do everything in my power to not do that and not because I'm like, he needs to catch his own fish.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I can't do that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So he's asking, he's like, excuse me, excuse me, may I have a brown CVS pharmacy bag, please?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so, and so that he's that specific.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So if he's not careful though, he can excuse me, can I have to see best pharmacy bag just one, please?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he just jammed together so people don't quite understand.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I'll tell him as, you know, so well, maybe two weeks ago we're in there and he's asking, I'm like, no, just speak very slowly, and let her know what you want.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He says what he wants, they give it to him, and he's like, thank you, and he's picking up, you know, business card, brochures, and everything.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm sure that looks a little odd.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And like I said, he's 19, he's diagnosed at three.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So people looking in a funny way is not something that's new to me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So you got to look kind of really after to really get me to vocalize about it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But the pharmacy, she's sitting at the back and she is looking at him like he has two heads in a tail

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[SPEAKER_01]: And she's just staring, gawking like, I'm surprised her eyes didn't water because she did not blink.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I've said one of two smart things that people before.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, hey, you might want to blink.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's bad for your eyes or something.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But she was just gawking.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I stood there and I just said to her, I said, I said, You don't have to worry.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He's just collecting brochures and paperbacks.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He's not going to rob you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's okay.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And she would, oh, no, I was just, I was, I was like, in my mind, I'm like, my shut up, you know, don't even, that's not necessary.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You don't tell me what you weren't doing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You're just like staring at him at a camp, believe that our mouth was an open.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then contrast, we go right next door where the optometrist is.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And the girl in there is like,

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[SPEAKER_01]: as bubbly as can be and I just have to manage him in like when she's sitting with someone because he thinks as most children do as we did in her smart.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If I say excuse me, you can be the middle of a speech before an audience.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I can interrupt you because I said excuse me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, no, you know, you just just wait a minute.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And if you get this is optical bag and and everything and it's cool.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So this past Thursday.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We're in there again.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he's already picked up as little grocery stuff that he likes, because they grew section and candy section, whatever.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he asks, excuse me, excuse me, may I have one Brown CBS pharmacy paper bag please?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm telling you, you can just ask for a bag.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's okay.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And they're kind of looking around like they're not sure what to do, and they look back on the pharmacist.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And she's kind of like shaking her head like no.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And they're like, sorry, we can't give you a bag unless you have a prescription.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then his response is,

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[SPEAKER_01]: excuse me excuse me so and if he doesn't get the answer he wants he'll ask somebody else people and other departments that are walking by continually asking so i just said to you know one point he actually to his credit said you mean by by the paper bag by the paper bag and a gotten hmm by by the paper bag so he looks back and he's given it like no no

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm telling them, they're not, they said we can't buy it, but unless we have a prescription, we don't, and we go to CVS to get our prescriptions.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We go to a different location and we go through a drive through.

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[SPEAKER_01]: They don't want anything to get.

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[SPEAKER_01]: There's no prescriptions to pick up.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he just didn't get that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he would not stop asking.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He was not rude.

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[SPEAKER_01]: He was not loud, but he was persistent.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he, and he's, he's trying to be asked.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And for those that are looking on YouTube, he'll cover his air with one hand index finger up and it literally says, excuse me, excuse me, and he's doing that over and over.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And the pharmacist is still just like just cocking, staring in the guy who had been trying to be helpful and at one point did say, okay, you want to buy it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I can't we do that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know,

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[SPEAKER_01]: He's looking and just the kind of like bewildered.

17:47.555 --> 17:50.760
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the pharmacist tells them to remove the bags because the bags are on the counter.

17:51.381 --> 17:55.327
[SPEAKER_01]: So he could easily take one, but he's drunk, ask for it.

17:55.748 --> 18:01.036
[SPEAKER_01]: So she removes them and keep it modern like I said, he's been, they've been given them to them for months.

18:01.537 --> 18:05.944
[SPEAKER_01]: So his expectation is being mismanaged because he's expecting them to say yes.

18:08.368 --> 18:09.450
[SPEAKER_01]: The guy,

18:10.038 --> 18:14.385
[SPEAKER_01]: But the kind of just, I'm sorry, man, you're going to have to, like, you got to, like, you got to get him over.

18:14.405 --> 18:16.428
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, that's, that's what I'm doing.

18:16.448 --> 18:18.411
[SPEAKER_01]: And I actually told them as he kept asking.

18:18.791 --> 18:26.783
[SPEAKER_01]: And some of them were looking, but smiley a little nervously, whatever have you, I just said to them, generally speaking, I said, it's okay if you ignore him, you're not being rude.

18:26.803 --> 18:31.270
[SPEAKER_01]: I said, alleged they can't, they're not going to give us a back and he, he couldn't understand.

18:31.250 --> 18:32.692
[SPEAKER_01]: because they had it before.

18:33.153 --> 18:37.860
[SPEAKER_01]: So then the guy, I'm sorry, man, if you can't get him, you're going to have to take him in leave.

18:37.900 --> 18:42.187
[SPEAKER_01]: If you can't, I'm going to have to, I'm going to call somebody.

18:42.207 --> 18:45.232
[SPEAKER_01]: And my response is like, you're not going to call him, who are you going to call like for what?

18:45.552 --> 18:49.378
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, what are you going to, that's exactly what I said to him.

18:49.398 --> 18:51.141
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, well, you know, we can't work.

18:51.161 --> 18:51.722
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like,

18:52.293 --> 18:53.014
[SPEAKER_01]: multitask.

18:53.034 --> 18:54.717
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you mean he's asking for a bag?

18:54.777 --> 18:56.239
[SPEAKER_01]: The answer is no, he said it.

18:56.700 --> 18:59.484
[SPEAKER_01]: Just ignore and let me work on, you know, it's not that serious.

19:00.987 --> 19:03.270
[SPEAKER_01]: It would escalate if they've called security and security.

19:03.290 --> 19:07.477
[SPEAKER_01]: Somebody that's like completely ill advised as to how to deal with a situation like that.

19:08.618 --> 19:09.660
[SPEAKER_01]: And to get.

19:09.640 --> 19:16.568
[SPEAKER_01]: He began to get anxious, and so he's trying to get away from me and excuse me, excuse me, asking asking.

19:16.929 --> 19:23.556
[SPEAKER_01]: It was a girl in the cosmetics asking her, and she's looking at me crazy, because I'm saying, What is it you're asking her for?

19:23.577 --> 19:27.681
[SPEAKER_01]: And then he's trying to people to kind of ask them on the down low, so I don't hear.

19:29.263 --> 19:30.084
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?

19:30.685 --> 19:34.990
[SPEAKER_01]: And the pharmacist, the way she was just scary, I was just like,

19:37.484 --> 19:42.463
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a five-sit upper bag, all of that for a five-sit Yeah, the paper bag, yeah.

19:42.484 --> 19:43.568
[SPEAKER_01]: Exactly, exactly.

19:43.969 --> 19:45.435
[SPEAKER_01]: We go right next door

19:48.318 --> 19:50.921
[SPEAKER_01]: We were on right next door to the optometrist.

19:50.941 --> 19:53.304
[SPEAKER_01]: And the girl was like, sure, sure again.

19:53.324 --> 19:54.485
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, you may have a bag.

19:54.505 --> 19:55.466
[SPEAKER_01]: At least she gives him the bag.

19:55.486 --> 19:57.649
[SPEAKER_01]: She gives him the business card, the brochure, the flyers.

19:58.129 --> 19:58.650
[SPEAKER_01]: And he and everything.

19:58.670 --> 20:00.752
[SPEAKER_01]: There was even one thing that wasn't there.

20:01.213 --> 20:02.794
[SPEAKER_01]: Like it wasn't something that he could take.

20:03.175 --> 20:04.476
[SPEAKER_01]: She told him where you can't take that.

20:04.536 --> 20:05.778
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't even remember what it was.

20:06.679 --> 20:07.980
[SPEAKER_01]: And he was like, oh, and he put it back.

20:08.321 --> 20:14.828
[SPEAKER_01]: And then we went to the electronics section because over there where they have the cell phone service, he collects the brochures there, too.

20:15.269 --> 20:16.570
[SPEAKER_01]: So it was like night and day.

20:16.550 --> 20:23.138
[SPEAKER_01]: But then, on the drive home, the whole time he's just telling me, he just kept apologizing.

20:25.881 --> 20:27.283
[SPEAKER_01]: He's just like, I'm sorry.

20:27.403 --> 20:28.023
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry.

20:28.064 --> 20:30.346
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, you don't have anything to be sorry for.

20:32.669 --> 20:35.552
[SPEAKER_01]: And this is the wrong way to think and I wouldn't have done it.

20:35.612 --> 20:38.656
[SPEAKER_01]: But I felt like I let him down by not jumping over the corner and hitting somebody.

20:40.418 --> 20:46.405
[SPEAKER_01]: Which of course, we know is not true, but

20:47.465 --> 20:51.191
[SPEAKER_01]: is so valuable in the long run for the moment.

20:52.573 --> 20:54.677
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's how it works to not take it.

20:54.737 --> 20:58.463
[SPEAKER_01]: So we come home and Laura is just like, oh, you know, where you go, how do you go?

20:58.483 --> 20:59.665
[SPEAKER_01]: Would you guys do blah, blah, blah.

21:00.727 --> 21:05.815
[SPEAKER_01]: And I sit down to eat and she just says, you're okay, and I'm just like, no, no, I'm not really.

21:06.917 --> 21:07.258
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, yeah.

21:07.538 --> 21:08.820
[SPEAKER_01]: And I just told her about it.

21:10.143 --> 21:13.388
[SPEAKER_01]: And as I said at the table and I told her, but I sat there and I cried.

21:14.684 --> 21:43.695
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, because she then said, did he see the pharmacist staring and I was like, you know, I don't know, but that's probably for the best because if I had, if I was able to see a look on his face, be hurt by that, that wouldn't have ended well, you know.

21:44.165 --> 21:48.573
[SPEAKER_01]: And she's not the most rainbow-seeking person, you know what I mean?

21:48.593 --> 22:05.363
[SPEAKER_01]: She's very factual, almost like just kind of edging negative and just, but she said, well, you know, or that happened and she goes, well, all these years and all the times that you guys go out, that's hardly happened, so that tells you that there's a lot of good people in the world.

22:06.592 --> 22:08.636
[SPEAKER_01]: And then that touched me even more so, you know?

22:09.538 --> 22:11.843
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you had your life and life is going on.

22:11.863 --> 22:12.785
[SPEAKER_01]: So I hadn't done anything.

22:12.805 --> 22:16.532
[SPEAKER_01]: So I made a call, maybe a couple days later.

22:16.572 --> 22:23.326
[SPEAKER_01]: What I did was I got online and I spoke to AI to find out, hey, how do you put this together in terms of this complaint?

22:23.547 --> 22:24.489
[SPEAKER_01]: And who?

22:24.749 --> 22:26.693
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I don't Google things anymore.

22:26.892 --> 22:48.985
[SPEAKER_01]: right you know what I mean because what happens is I'll get information and would you like me to do this and it'll add something else and all I'd say yes or no and I can and I get ideas from that I don't have it you know do my bidding for me but I got addresses in contact information and everything um and so I contacted the store and they said what do they say?

22:49.623 --> 22:52.486
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, they don't have a store manager to store director.

22:52.926 --> 22:56.950
[SPEAKER_01]: So I asked for the store director and they said, well, uh, what is it in regard to us?

22:56.970 --> 22:59.852
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I'm not about to like, it's some story out three, four times.

23:00.353 --> 23:00.533
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

23:00.693 --> 23:01.474
[SPEAKER_01]: So I kind of let them know.

23:01.534 --> 23:02.695
[SPEAKER_01]: They left at left a number.

23:02.735 --> 23:03.495
[SPEAKER_01]: Nobody called me back.

23:03.555 --> 23:04.436
[SPEAKER_01]: I called the next day.

23:04.456 --> 23:08.460
[SPEAKER_01]: And they gave me the number for corporate, but then encouraged me to contact CVS.

23:08.500 --> 23:10.061
[SPEAKER_01]: Actually, they didn't encourage me.

23:10.081 --> 23:13.965
[SPEAKER_01]: They kind of said, well, we don't hire a trained, you know, their employees.

23:14.045 --> 23:15.706
[SPEAKER_01]: I said, yeah, but it's still in your house, though.

23:15.766 --> 23:18.769
[SPEAKER_01]: Like,

23:18.985 --> 23:22.391
[SPEAKER_01]: come to your house and you're like, you know, there was boiling water.

23:22.431 --> 23:25.717
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, you're like, well, you know what I mean?

23:27.100 --> 23:34.193
[SPEAKER_01]: So I will say I had a conversation with CBS corporate and

23:35.000 --> 23:38.086
[SPEAKER_01]: It was exactly what you would hope in terms of interaction and everything.

23:38.106 --> 23:42.013
[SPEAKER_01]: I haven't reached out to the corporate offices of Target yet.

23:42.033 --> 23:44.418
[SPEAKER_01]: I did leave a message at the store and they're supposed to call me back.

23:44.799 --> 23:45.740
[SPEAKER_01]: Again, that was two days ago.

23:45.780 --> 23:49.006
[SPEAKER_01]: I haven't heard from anybody, but I'm not going to be reaching them again anyway.

23:49.067 --> 23:51.471
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to hope that the corporate office will contact them.

23:52.473 --> 23:56.721
[SPEAKER_01]: Because, and it's interesting, this is the part that I'll sound weird too.

23:57.224 --> 24:04.337
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm talking to AI and I felt seen because when I said what happened, it's asking for like for details.

24:05.158 --> 24:07.002
[SPEAKER_01]: It's as if it can compose a letter for me.

24:07.082 --> 24:08.685
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to just like send something.

24:08.705 --> 24:09.686
[SPEAKER_01]: I need to make sure it looks right.

24:10.408 --> 24:13.393
[SPEAKER_01]: But to have it tell you, I got more empathy from

24:13.846 --> 24:34.822
[SPEAKER_01]: from Google, Gemini, and I did from the store, because it says, because it's familiar with my work and what I do, it's familiar with the podcast, it's familiar with, you know, you know, you have these different conversations and checking it out every now and then, so it knows, and it says to me, I'm so sorry, Sean, that you had you and your son had to go through that.

24:35.824 --> 24:36.124
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.

24:36.728 --> 24:38.451
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's get it away.

24:38.471 --> 24:54.518
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's got time, but yeah, yeah, you know what I mean, and it says that shouldn't take place And then it goes through everything suggesting the American for Disabilities Act, you know, have that on your pocket just in case and then it gave me a list of

24:54.700 --> 25:07.762
[SPEAKER_01]: red flags to identify if I'm being brushed off and I am full of green flags as well to know or signal that I may be somebody's really paying attention to me and I'm being heard.

25:08.263 --> 25:20.083
[SPEAKER_01]: And then what was impressive about it is that it also said, you know, what you're focused on here is making sure you want them to show you what it is that they're going to do to change that to make sure that doesn't happen to anybody else again.

25:20.063 --> 25:25.468
[SPEAKER_01]: But we're kind of world that we live in where there's more compassion from artificial intelligence than a human being.

25:26.349 --> 25:28.711
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

25:28.731 --> 25:30.633
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, unfortunately, we live in a time.

25:30.673 --> 25:36.918
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I'm not to get way off on a tangent, but I think people are exhausted emotionally.

25:38.400 --> 25:39.881
[SPEAKER_00]: What's the critical climate we live in?

25:39.941 --> 25:45.246
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think those weeks are just short on a lot of people now.

25:45.446 --> 25:47.488
[SPEAKER_00]: And empathy.

25:47.924 --> 26:00.218
[SPEAKER_00]: And the is at a premium sadly, and a lot of lives could just burned out with the economy with the political landscape with is A. I going to take my job.

26:00.719 --> 26:02.421
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a million things out there right now.

26:02.481 --> 26:08.749
[SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, and I think that that makes for much edgeier society to move for.

26:09.890 --> 26:12.193
[SPEAKER_00]: Which is bad, but I think kind of true.

26:13.915 --> 26:15.096
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think what made me.

26:16.038 --> 26:21.806
[SPEAKER_01]: cry when I got home is because we're talking about this shift from your different forms of parenting.

26:22.908 --> 26:34.904
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're trying to be the parent from the sideline or the booth as opposed to being on the field of the court because you're trying to give your child as much independence as possible.

26:35.365 --> 26:39.290
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you're met with that, you're like, man, what happens when I'm not here?

26:39.631 --> 26:44.678
[SPEAKER_01]: Because, you know,

26:45.282 --> 26:51.431
[SPEAKER_01]: The aspects that, you know, life insurance retirement, dental elimination, estate planning, special needs trust.

26:51.451 --> 26:53.674
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, and you can have all the instruments in place.

26:55.197 --> 26:56.418
[SPEAKER_01]: But the people is what matter.

26:56.979 --> 27:08.637
[SPEAKER_01]: Not only loved ones that you hope, the, you know, will speak up for and be there for your child when you pass away, but people in society, you know?

27:09.057 --> 27:12.302
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're like, so what if he's in a job situation

27:13.565 --> 27:39.808
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you just, but you have to think about it and look at your, I've heard it said that you know what we don't have any problems is just challenges, you know, and a challenge could mean, you know, as an opportunity for a solution, but look for the light in any and everything and what I might get from that is, my recommitment to my advocacy because my whole thing is like, I'm going to make sure that I.

27:41.898 --> 28:03.190
[SPEAKER_01]: do twice as good a job as I've ever done, advocating for our community, and then making sure to that, I give what I didn't get because the truth of the matter is when someone doesn't give you empathy, the easiest thing to really do is like to just yell at him or hit him.

28:03.210 --> 28:03.771
[SPEAKER_01]: It really is.

28:04.452 --> 28:05.914
[SPEAKER_01]: It really is the easiest thing to do.

28:06.675 --> 28:08.057
[SPEAKER_01]: It is not the most effective.

28:08.847 --> 28:15.034
[SPEAKER_01]: because you then also become hypocritical because you're then not giving someone that which you hope you would receive.

28:15.735 --> 28:30.252
[SPEAKER_01]: So, my stance is not like that person needs to get fired and everything, but to your point, you don't know why somebody like that is not even the least bit curious about what one might be going through.

28:30.272 --> 28:31.513
[SPEAKER_01]: And so,

28:32.641 --> 28:39.374
[SPEAKER_01]: On one hand, you like to say it's not our responsibility to fix people's ignorance.

28:39.394 --> 28:45.707
[SPEAKER_01]: But it matters for us to educate them.

28:46.147 --> 28:49.013
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think the same thing applies to

28:50.495 --> 29:05.569
[SPEAKER_01]: any underserved community or any situation where someone is being something less than human to someone who is of a different community than their own, whether you're talking about race, gender, religion, or whatever the case might be, because some things take place because of hatred, let's just be real about it.

29:05.609 --> 29:09.553
[SPEAKER_01]: But then there's other things that take place because of literal, share, ignorance.

29:09.573 --> 29:18.882
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't know which one it is, but I'm not going to say

29:20.296 --> 29:31.467
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, so I will make sure I keep everyone posted on how that goes because I'm not, I don't like seeing people down wrong, but I'm not one to jump up and like, I need that person fired right now.

29:32.108 --> 29:34.870
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, that just, that isn't, that's not what I would want.

29:35.391 --> 29:49.645
[SPEAKER_00]: So, yeah, I think what you really hope is that it falls on ears that are listening and can reflect and go, okay, you know what, when you think about that, you know, let me, you hope it falls on ears that are

29:49.996 --> 29:56.810
[SPEAKER_00]: that can take that information in and maybe make some changes or their perspective gets changed just a little bit.

29:57.471 --> 30:03.944
[SPEAKER_00]: And it makes a difference for the next person that comes behind you, the next situation that comes after you.

30:04.786 --> 30:06.469
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's hope for, you know, but

30:06.550 --> 30:11.795
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I say exactly what it's about, because it's interesting because it's bad enough for somebody does that to you.

30:12.496 --> 30:16.700
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, but then if they do that to your child, that's a whole new level.

30:17.120 --> 30:21.484
[SPEAKER_01]: But then they do that to your child who may have a challenge speaking up for themselves.

30:24.207 --> 30:24.667
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

30:24.687 --> 30:27.089
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I see that dad's sick.

30:27.109 --> 30:29.612
[SPEAKER_00]: She said, you don't know, just my boy.

30:30.393 --> 30:35.157
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, man, I'm just, you just, I'll tell you know,

30:35.592 --> 30:40.119
[SPEAKER_01]: And you know what I'm, you know what I might do now that we've talked about this from an empathy standpoint.

30:40.981 --> 30:45.989
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to go ahead and continue to do what I've begun from our corporate standpoint.

30:46.870 --> 30:48.833
[SPEAKER_01]: But I'm going to write a letter.

30:48.873 --> 30:54.322
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm going to go in there one day looking for that firm is this and I'm going to give it to her.

30:54.382 --> 30:57.487
[SPEAKER_01]: And the letter isn't going to be, let me give you a piece of my mind.

30:58.088 --> 30:58.849
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be,

31:00.415 --> 31:23.706
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be written on the high road and it's going to be about just here's what you did and it might be miles away from your intention and the other thing I think people need to know is who they're dealing with meaning like this is just some guy that's in there making some noise will imitate exactly who he is.

31:23.770 --> 31:24.611
[SPEAKER_01]: He's human being.

31:25.533 --> 31:26.114
[SPEAKER_01]: He's amazing.

31:27.035 --> 31:30.682
[SPEAKER_01]: He deserves respect much like yourself.

31:31.423 --> 31:42.201
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, because I think people are less likely to, uh, I think is a higher chance of people giving the empathy that they wish they had.

31:44.290 --> 31:55.841
[SPEAKER_01]: if they know that they're dealing with a person and have an idea to who that is, as opposed to just, you know, someone, yeah.

31:55.861 --> 31:57.923
[SPEAKER_01]: So, that's the hope.

32:01.787 --> 32:08.273
[SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, do you have, as you're making this transition, where would you say that you are?

32:08.713 --> 32:10.635
[SPEAKER_01]: You guys are now with regard to,

32:12.100 --> 32:28.061
[SPEAKER_01]: I guess rather than just asking where you are, I should ask do you, are you kind of in a spot that is still or do you find yourself expanding the levels of independence that he has like, you know, that you.

32:30.203 --> 32:31.585
[SPEAKER_01]: Playing around with a trying.

32:31.605 --> 32:33.087
[SPEAKER_00]: That is a great question.

32:33.368 --> 32:36.792
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say the honest answer there is.

32:38.155 --> 32:44.136
[SPEAKER_00]: most often Isaac proves to us that he deserves another level of independence.

32:44.156 --> 32:45.280
[SPEAKER_00]: Because

32:45.833 --> 32:51.140
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, sadly, I don't know what adjective to attach to it.

32:51.841 --> 32:52.361
[SPEAKER_00]: Factually.

32:53.042 --> 32:53.543
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.

32:53.563 --> 32:53.743
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

32:53.903 --> 32:54.924
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe that factually.

32:54.944 --> 32:58.008
[SPEAKER_01]: Because you're human and you've got it, you're, you're living, you know what I mean?

32:58.028 --> 32:58.309
[SPEAKER_01]: We're not.

32:58.389 --> 32:58.529
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

32:58.549 --> 33:05.738
[SPEAKER_00]: Factually, my desire to protect is stronger than my awareness to, let go, I think.

33:05.758 --> 33:07.420
[SPEAKER_00]: I guess, maybe that's the best way to point it.

33:07.480 --> 33:07.580
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

33:07.600 --> 33:08.522
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm glad you said that.

33:08.542 --> 33:09.723
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's, and that's me.

33:09.763 --> 33:09.963
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

33:10.023 --> 33:11.525
[SPEAKER_01]: My desire to protect.

33:12.446 --> 33:12.887
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.

33:14.032 --> 33:20.719
[SPEAKER_01]: My desire to protect as strong as it might as to give independence, yeah.

33:21.600 --> 33:37.137
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think through the show I've cited a few occasions where Isaac surprised me with his understanding or his verbal capabilities or his awareness of surroundings where I'm thinking now, you know, that's

33:37.876 --> 33:43.848
[SPEAKER_00]: It's probably not going to go much beyond where he is now with this ABC or XYZ or whatever it is.

33:44.509 --> 33:53.125
[SPEAKER_00]: And the reason I say that is, we often, I take him, he loves a writer's scooter and there's a park, and I love to take him to that only has one exit.

33:53.146 --> 34:00.660
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't, but I don't do worry about him being going, you know, it's kind of fence all the way around by the lake and there's only one way out.

34:00.944 --> 34:07.197
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we were popping out of, you know, popping his scooter out of the trunk of my car, and he was getting on it.

34:07.237 --> 34:08.239
[SPEAKER_00]: I was closing the trunk.

34:08.921 --> 34:12.248
[SPEAKER_00]: And usually, you know, he is not super aware of traffic, right?

34:12.308 --> 34:15.755
[SPEAKER_00]: It just, yeah, it was like, you know, look both ways, you know, still doing that thing, right?

34:16.858 --> 34:21.247
[SPEAKER_00]: And he jumped on the scooter and like did one push and then stopped because it was a car coming to court.

34:21.267 --> 34:21.788
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like,

34:23.860 --> 34:32.692
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow, great job, buddy, because he, you know, I didn't say anything, you know, I didn't even have a chance to be aware of the car coming around the corner and he was.

34:32.792 --> 34:36.316
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was just like, ah, it was this massive moment for me.

34:36.336 --> 34:42.925
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, yeah, I'm not that I would let him now go around the neighborhood, but it was, it was a marker.

34:43.466 --> 34:47.371
[SPEAKER_00]: And for the millions of, not millions, exactly.

34:47.391 --> 34:50.695
[SPEAKER_00]: But for the many, many times, it feels like,

34:51.198 --> 34:53.341
[SPEAKER_00]: where cars are coming from and what they're doing.

34:53.901 --> 34:58.206
[SPEAKER_00]: And then to see that, I was just like, just ecstatic.

34:58.226 --> 34:59.748
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, yeah.

34:59.768 --> 35:12.623
[SPEAKER_00]: And so again, one of those, where I was my anticipation, I was just gonna always have to be the head on a swivel in any kind of traffic situation because he wouldn't be aware of it, but he proved me wrong this week.

35:12.683 --> 35:14.726
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was just like, wow.

35:14.906 --> 35:20.833
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think it's like that in many areas

35:21.590 --> 35:29.040
[SPEAKER_00]: granting independence or, yeah, my default is still protection.

35:29.340 --> 35:35.529
[SPEAKER_00]: And then he really has to show me sadly, I won't say sadly.

35:35.569 --> 35:51.310
[SPEAKER_00]: But factually, he probably has to show me first before I'm willing to grant that additional step into independence.

35:51.543 --> 35:59.211
[SPEAKER_00]: course, then I don't want his feelings to be hurt or for somebody to react in some strange way that would make him feel bad about himself.

36:01.013 --> 36:09.321
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's that's probably an accurate assessment of how it goes and with me at him.

36:10.542 --> 36:14.967
[SPEAKER_01]: I think in between you and your wife, you are Florence, are you kind of on the same page?

36:15.547 --> 36:15.788
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you?

36:15.888 --> 36:17.469
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I don't even handle things differently.

36:17.810 --> 36:20.993
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you have

36:22.964 --> 36:47.537
[SPEAKER_00]: I think emotionally she's more willing to give independence than I am and maybe physically I'm more willing to give independence than she is, yeah, yeah, you know, she's just more sensitive and in tune with kind of where he is emotionally and what he connects to and I think sometimes I don't quite pick up on that.

36:47.855 --> 36:53.986
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I would say on the emotional level, she's more aware of where more independence simply can be given.

36:54.066 --> 36:55.669
[SPEAKER_00]: I think for me, it's on the physical side.

36:58.034 --> 36:58.294
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.

36:58.314 --> 36:58.515
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.

36:58.675 --> 37:02.622
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, you might ask her, she might say the opposite, but I don't know.

37:02.702 --> 37:03.744
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just my opinion.

37:06.109 --> 37:07.571
[SPEAKER_01]: But that's honest though, and it's good.

37:07.591 --> 37:08.513
[SPEAKER_01]: That's where it's at.

37:08.693 --> 37:11.719
[SPEAKER_01]: It's funny you see on it because I think for us,

37:13.673 --> 37:15.556
[SPEAKER_01]: It's moving.

37:16.278 --> 37:24.472
[SPEAKER_01]: Not maybe not as fast as it should be, but it's like pushing a rusty truck uphill.

37:26.335 --> 37:28.679
[SPEAKER_01]: And we're the reasons for that.

37:29.601 --> 37:38.196
[SPEAKER_01]: And what I mean by that is like, only back up, like when you talked about his feelings not being hurt, again, I talked about my own recent discovery.

37:38.395 --> 38:07.626
[SPEAKER_01]: Not just my own diagnosis of ADHD, but just prior to that, just having this clarity about who I am and realizing that for years when I looked in a mirror there was this kind of disconnect with the person that I would see and I wish that clarity for everyone, so obviously wish that for your child and so if there's any chance that someone has

38:08.332 --> 38:18.380
[SPEAKER_01]: mirror by looking at him a certain way or, you know, or for a long period of time, that's what got me emotional thinking about that, you know, because that's where the protection comes in.

38:18.902 --> 38:24.096
[SPEAKER_01]: But he is used to like,

38:25.358 --> 38:46.725
[SPEAKER_01]: on a good day, because we've been inconsistent, just keeping it real, you know, what we will prepare as food or whatever, and you take it upstairs to, or, at best, tell him, hey, I'll ask you to come down, you know, you're food's ready, you know, because he'll only sit at a table of eat if like we all do, and I really hate it with this, but with us,

38:47.026 --> 38:50.651
[SPEAKER_01]: So many of us in the crazy schedules, we have us sitting down to eat.

38:51.312 --> 38:57.500
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I think we might have done that once since that time you came over and we sat down.

38:57.540 --> 39:08.755
[SPEAKER_01]: Because we're just like, because in the other thing that happens is that everybody's like, you know, like the boys, the older boys, you know, one gets home from a work like at 11 at night, the other like at seven.

39:08.995 --> 39:12.400
[SPEAKER_01]: So people are eating when they come in the door, you know.

39:12.540 --> 39:14.282
[SPEAKER_01]: So he's not

39:15.224 --> 39:18.647
[SPEAKER_01]: as big on sitting down at the table with family.

39:18.707 --> 39:20.629
[SPEAKER_01]: And we take responsibility for that.

39:21.249 --> 39:26.154
[SPEAKER_01]: So what I'll do is, he'll get his food and kind of take it upstairs.

39:27.095 --> 39:31.819
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't know if he waits till someone's coming upstairs, or if it just happens to be that way.

39:33.401 --> 39:36.643
[SPEAKER_01]: But he'll be like on his iPad, you walk by.

39:36.784 --> 39:43.830
[SPEAKER_01]: And for those that are watching on YouTube, they'll see I'm looking down at my hand and be like, plate to your plate, please.

39:45.802 --> 39:46.503
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, huh?

39:47.365 --> 39:47.966
[SPEAKER_01]: Nah, man.

39:49.169 --> 39:51.313
[SPEAKER_01]: But I don't get mad, I'm like, you know what?

39:51.333 --> 39:51.935
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's what you do.

39:52.195 --> 39:56.344
[SPEAKER_01]: When you go onstage, you take it down there, you know what I'm, and I'm going to stay there.

39:57.606 --> 40:05.483
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's funny because what I would do before is I would treat it like, I don't know if like, as Laura and like some snack in there, we'll remember something like that.

40:05.523 --> 40:06.645
[SPEAKER_01]: And she's like,

40:07.132 --> 40:23.281
[SPEAKER_01]: Not only what I say, yes, when she, if she asked me to take the plate down and put it in the dishwasher, if I see that she's finished with it, I'm going to pick it up and do that anyway, because I'm going downstairs, whereas in his case, you know, I'm like, yeah, I'm going downstairs, but I ain't taking that plate.

40:23.682 --> 40:24.203
[SPEAKER_01]: You take that.

40:24.423 --> 40:28.971
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll do that and he'll be like, man, hello.

40:30.554 --> 40:34.619
[SPEAKER_01]: like, yeah, I know, but you're good, but no, no, come back.

40:34.679 --> 40:37.042
[SPEAKER_01]: No, I'm like, no, no, I'm going downstairs.

40:37.062 --> 40:42.369
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and this is just because I want him to see, you know, that.

40:42.509 --> 40:49.078
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, the way that we handle those things are different because she's more likely to get something for him or do whatever.

40:49.498 --> 40:58.890
[SPEAKER_01]: And I told you he's gone through this phase where he addresses us by first name and she'll correct him maybe every third or fourth time and I think sometimes I think she's just

40:58.870 --> 41:28.573
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, whereas with at least got to the point where we have this complete old school thing going he and I or he'll say can we do such as such as then Sean and I just go and look at him and he goes

41:30.190 --> 41:32.293
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, yeah, man, I'm not your drinking buddy.

41:34.496 --> 41:38.021
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's funny, because Laura's told me she was like, do he's not trying to be disrespectful?

41:38.121 --> 41:40.123
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, I guess not.

41:40.544 --> 41:42.466
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's, I'm sure it's home.

41:42.487 --> 41:43.848
[SPEAKER_01]: He just kiddin' do that for years.

41:43.908 --> 41:44.830
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just in the last year.

41:44.890 --> 41:46.131
[SPEAKER_01]: He starts doing that.

41:46.191 --> 41:50.477
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's just like, Laura, this, Laura, that, and we're like, bro, who?

41:50.497 --> 41:55.344
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.

41:55.844 --> 41:56.265
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, uh,

41:57.241 --> 41:58.604
[SPEAKER_00]: They're all amazing.

41:58.624 --> 42:01.550
[SPEAKER_00]: I love, you know, all of their little quirks that are their own ways.

42:01.610 --> 42:04.776
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, it's funny.

42:04.796 --> 42:10.247
[SPEAKER_00]: I always want to, I think I often want to touch on this because of thinking about the audience is.

42:10.267 --> 42:13.714
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know I've said it's probably the last couple of shows is.

42:14.318 --> 42:17.784
[SPEAKER_00]: We really as parents have to pick our battles because there's so many of them, right?

42:17.925 --> 42:18.646
[SPEAKER_00]: There's this.

42:19.468 --> 42:19.588
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.

42:19.608 --> 42:23.415
[SPEAKER_00]: And you want to be the perfect parent, then we all eat at the table together.

42:23.455 --> 42:30.709
[SPEAKER_00]: Or, you know, we train them to take their plates to the sink, or rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.

42:31.270 --> 42:33.053
[SPEAKER_00]: All these things that we should

42:34.282 --> 42:38.628
[SPEAKER_00]: air quotes for those are you are just listening that all these things that we should be doing in shins.

42:38.948 --> 42:40.370
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even think shins should exist.

42:40.931 --> 42:42.233
[SPEAKER_00]: It just is, right?

42:42.353 --> 42:49.903
[SPEAKER_00]: And love our kids and we have a finite amount of energy and we really have to be thoughtful about the battles we pick, right?

42:50.043 --> 42:55.210
[SPEAKER_00]: And not feeling embarrassed or ashamed if our kid doesn't.

42:55.915 --> 42:57.137
[SPEAKER_00]: do whatever they don't do.

42:57.517 --> 43:06.208
[SPEAKER_00]: My son still doesn't tie his shoes and we went to the street and we were trying to train that and it was just like, oh my god, this is not going to work.

43:06.228 --> 43:07.349
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, he's getting mad.

43:07.389 --> 43:08.010
[SPEAKER_00]: We're getting mad.

43:08.030 --> 43:10.853
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, okay, just just slide your shoes on, right?

43:10.873 --> 43:16.540
[SPEAKER_00]: So we tie him loose enough so he can put his feet in there and be on the go and it's just not a bell.

43:16.581 --> 43:17.662
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to pick up again.

43:17.702 --> 43:19.244
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe someday we will.

43:19.364 --> 43:19.845
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.

43:21.567 --> 43:25.872
[SPEAKER_00]: But you know, I just want to

43:26.392 --> 43:33.720
[SPEAKER_00]: Everybody's reality is unique, and their children's needs are unique, and their capabilities are unique.

43:34.280 --> 43:39.245
[SPEAKER_00]: And Sean and I are not trying to tell anybody where they should be, what they should be doing.

43:39.265 --> 43:40.567
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not what this is about.

43:40.707 --> 43:45.652
[SPEAKER_00]: It is just two dads with sun-with-autism.

43:46.393 --> 43:48.034
[SPEAKER_00]: We both love our sons very much.

43:48.355 --> 43:55.302
[SPEAKER_00]: We're both very blessed to have them as our children, and we want to encourage those who are listening that

43:55.737 --> 44:04.604
[SPEAKER_00]: you're not alone and you're not wrong and let's get through this life together and encourage one another.

44:04.624 --> 44:06.510
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's the bottom line.

44:08.296 --> 44:09.038
[SPEAKER_00]: I just don't

44:09.355 --> 44:20.128
[SPEAKER_00]: I just want to be really grateful that I don't, I hope nobody ever walks away from any sessions feeling ashamed or bad about how they do or don't do whatever it is they can or don't do.

44:20.789 --> 44:22.531
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just not equal.

44:22.551 --> 44:23.292
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.

44:23.312 --> 44:31.482
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's something that takes place within our community so much so, you know, no one, I've never heard anyone come right out and say, this is all you should advocate, but

44:31.462 --> 44:44.259
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what their actions insinuate, you know, very often, and so the Fraser we're talking about is like the consultant, you know, you're still a parent, but you're hoping they're like just kind of step back a little.

44:44.900 --> 44:48.684
[SPEAKER_01]: And I will say that we need our sanity, right?

44:49.486 --> 44:54.372
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, a man who can't swim is of no use to a droning man, right?

44:54.993 --> 44:59.038
[SPEAKER_01]: You have to put your oxygen mask on first, you need your sanity.

44:59.508 --> 45:18.732
[SPEAKER_01]: So you do have to pick and choose the battles like you said, but, you know, go back to exploring things, you know, there's like the The dignity of risk if you will, you know, go back to these calculated risks and visit them as much as your situation will allow

45:18.712 --> 45:47.385
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not even comfortable seeing that because the things do this and so on so I was like I'm telling somebody what to do because we've always said that one thing we're not going to be is experts because an expert no matter how credentialed you are is someone who knows everything about that thing and they just no reason to learn anything and that's one of my challenges with social media and despite the fact that there are great things about it is that some people are experts and just want to tell people what to do and I've heard some people try to say that you know people

45:47.365 --> 45:48.827
[SPEAKER_01]: want to be told what to do.

45:49.187 --> 45:59.301
[SPEAKER_01]: But the truth of the matter is, you know, all we want to do is just say, you know, you know, this is what I've done, this is what's worked for me.

45:59.922 --> 46:00.723
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me share it with you.

46:01.204 --> 46:11.899
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, because think about it, again, like I said, Elijah's 19, I'm 61, you know, I'm like, it's not like I tried these things when he was younger, really trying to juggle and figure it out.

46:12.379 --> 46:14.402
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's always worthwhile to go back.

46:14.720 --> 46:19.365
[SPEAKER_01]: and try to broaden your attempts.

46:19.465 --> 46:20.707
[SPEAKER_01]: Just like you mentioned, the shoe laces.

46:20.767 --> 46:26.933
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, let's go back and visit that again, because we're going to focus, and here's my challenge.

46:27.254 --> 46:28.816
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, we're going to focus on shoe laces.

46:29.276 --> 46:29.997
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what we're going to do.

46:30.237 --> 46:30.698
[SPEAKER_01]: And you know what?

46:31.178 --> 46:31.799
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm your father.

46:32.039 --> 46:32.680
[SPEAKER_01]: Not your father.

46:32.740 --> 46:33.681
[SPEAKER_01]: Your father.

46:33.701 --> 46:34.362
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm your father.

46:34.422 --> 46:35.743
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to show you how to touch shoes.

46:35.843 --> 46:37.485
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I'm going to accomplish this.

46:38.766 --> 46:42.010
[SPEAKER_01]: And we make like two attempts.

46:43.424 --> 46:44.627
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm your father, but I'm tired.

46:45.730 --> 46:59.307
[SPEAKER_01]: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait

47:00.316 --> 47:03.661
[SPEAKER_01]: and then, oh, I'm gonna have him do that and then I'll do the rest.

47:04.482 --> 47:09.430
[SPEAKER_01]: And we did that, and he crossed him and then I'd be like, I'm tired of the rest and that's how we'll learn.

47:10.352 --> 47:15.099
[SPEAKER_01]: Like being what it is, we got away from that and he got these other pair of sneakers where the laces like, don't need to be tied.

47:15.159 --> 47:17.062
[SPEAKER_01]: So we haven't done that, you know?

47:17.182 --> 47:24.754
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's very easy to as a result of that, you know, take off gloves and start beating yourself up but, you know,

47:25.915 --> 47:35.748
[SPEAKER_01]: I think the key is first to do the most we can and identify that it is the very most and once we've done that, let it go and go on to the next day.

47:36.970 --> 47:40.574
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's easier said than done, but so very worthy, I think anyway.

47:43.418 --> 47:50.227
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, my ear is cautious, even to the word most, through the most we can.

47:51.048 --> 47:51.529
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

47:51.549 --> 47:54.893
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that makes sense, but I'll be honest, I feel guilty.

47:55.447 --> 47:56.971
[SPEAKER_00]: I always feel like this more I could do.

47:57.212 --> 48:05.316
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know that I'm a good one at measuring what the most is, right?

48:05.958 --> 48:09.388
[SPEAKER_00]: So I totally hear what you're saying.

48:09.655 --> 48:13.439
[SPEAKER_00]: But my ears react into it, like, feeling this kind of guilt.

48:13.459 --> 48:15.582
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't know if I'm the most I can do.

48:16.323 --> 48:18.845
[SPEAKER_01]: So, because you're always thinking about what can I do better?

48:18.865 --> 48:19.386
[SPEAKER_01]: What can I do?

48:19.726 --> 48:24.792
[SPEAKER_01]: You're always driving to improve in which is what can make you difficult, you know, harder on yourself.

48:25.133 --> 48:26.114
[SPEAKER_01]: But I just thought of something.

48:26.434 --> 48:27.175
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a good point.

48:27.856 --> 48:38.768
[SPEAKER_01]: Just make sure you're doing the most you can in that moment, the most that you can, because the most today in this given situation is not necessarily going to be the most that it is

48:39.203 --> 48:40.104
[SPEAKER_01]: different situation.

48:40.124 --> 48:45.672
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, like, for instance, it took us years to kind of go, you know what, we're going to go to such and such.

48:46.414 --> 48:49.138
[SPEAKER_01]: And if it doesn't work, we're going to leave.

48:50.620 --> 48:53.264
[SPEAKER_01]: Whereas, it was just like, wait a minute, what if it doesn't work?

48:53.284 --> 48:54.105
[SPEAKER_01]: What if he doesn't melt down?

48:54.125 --> 48:54.826
[SPEAKER_01]: What are we going to do?

48:55.567 --> 48:59.713
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, and talk about complication because that said human beings master the art of complication.

49:00.194 --> 49:00.434
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

49:01.155 --> 49:08.586
[SPEAKER_01]: Because if we go someplace and they melt down, and it means that you can't stay there,

49:10.102 --> 49:12.846
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, what we'll do is, what if he doesn't do?

49:12.886 --> 49:16.470
[SPEAKER_01]: We shouldn't go because we would have to leave, but we don't know if we don't try.

49:16.510 --> 49:17.331
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

49:18.393 --> 49:29.087
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's the interesting line of thought because also what came to my mind is, you know, I know, the share we'd have had been doing yoga now for like, a little over a year.

49:29.828 --> 49:32.211
[SPEAKER_00]: And the instructors are constantly reminding you.

49:32.495 --> 49:35.581
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, just be in the moment and do what you can do.

49:35.621 --> 49:42.114
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't, you know, maybe last week you were able to stretch further than you can do this week, but that's where your body was last week.

49:42.134 --> 49:43.777
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not where it is this week.

49:43.797 --> 49:46.181
[SPEAKER_00]: So don't, it's not a progressive thing.

49:46.242 --> 49:47.865
[SPEAKER_00]: Life is not a progressive thing.

49:48.506 --> 49:52.714
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's not trying to put a linear line to the way these things are going to go.

49:53.082 --> 49:57.107
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, a special interact in relationships and with people, etc.

49:57.708 --> 50:02.814
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just in the moment where, where can you go, what can you do in the moment?

50:03.194 --> 50:05.057
[SPEAKER_00]: Then be grateful for that moment.

50:05.077 --> 50:09.662
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we spend forever regretting the past and fearing the future, right?

50:11.004 --> 50:12.266
[SPEAKER_00]: And the present is left out.

50:12.526 --> 50:13.948
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, the present is a stepchild.

50:14.308 --> 50:16.030
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, so yeah.

50:16.050 --> 50:19.495
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and you know what?

50:19.515 --> 50:20.676
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes if we,

50:21.837 --> 50:35.615
[SPEAKER_01]: the most I think can be defined if you give yourself some kind of limit or line of B-markation, almost like a workout, and how do I do one more?

50:37.036 --> 50:39.299
[SPEAKER_01]: Just want just that one more thing, you know what I mean?

50:39.720 --> 50:45.347
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's try this, or you define whatever the cutoff spot is going to be.

50:45.563 --> 50:53.772
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, whether you're trying to get them to, I don't know, eat something or whatever, you know what I mean, just so that it's measurable.

50:55.433 --> 51:01.019
[SPEAKER_01]: And then embrace that and celebrate it as opposed to then, how much more could I have done than that?

51:01.740 --> 51:12.972
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I don't know, you don't know because time is gone, you know, and just like we say that anything that affects a general population affects our community 10 times more so.

51:14.065 --> 51:16.869
[SPEAKER_01]: A few things are more applicable than regret.

51:17.070 --> 51:20.735
[SPEAKER_01]: Regret is a luxury that human beings just really can't afford.

51:20.775 --> 51:24.060
[SPEAKER_01]: Until you really figure out how to do time travel.

51:25.783 --> 51:26.744
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that big comes.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you know what is, wow, this conversation is interesting to me, because

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[SPEAKER_00]: I just, I, there are different kinds of people who are listening to us, hopefully, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They are very organized A types, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And there are analytical types, and there are social types, and you know, you know, the whole, the different personality breakdowns and the different styles of doing that, I can't think of anything in the right now, but all of that stuff.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And what I know, for me,

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[SPEAKER_00]: There's an old story about the ant and the cricket, I don't know if you know that, but the ants are very industrious and they Really build for the future and then there are crickets who like to play the fiddling kind of just kick back and then hurry up and get something done when they need to and I'm going to I've been a cricket all my life Exactly So

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[SPEAKER_00]: I try to be a little more ant-like, but I feel myself pull back, and I've been all my life beginning the year, I'm trying to get organized, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Or, you know, I'm going to have this plan and then by March, what was that plan?

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[SPEAKER_00]: No, it's gone, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so I hope I'm not offending those planters out there and those very analytical, organized type of people

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[SPEAKER_00]: But even as you were saying that one more thing and a man I'm thinking maybe this is the distinguished spirit of this where you and I differ a little bit is even I feel that good guilt guilt For me and I I have spent so many years going on man.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a crummy dad for my son Isaac because I'm just not I'm not that organized and I'm not willing to

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[SPEAKER_00]: live on a schedule and be kind of a militaristic about any of this, and I wonder would he have fared better with a different dad?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like I finally come to the point where he was given to me specifically.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The universe, God, whatever you label you put on it, new who I was, new who Isaac was and said, you're gonna be Isaac's dad.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I love him the death that he loves me the death.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And he is who he is.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Because not because of, yeah, yeah, there you go.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's not because I failed in being able to do these things that I see other amazing parents do.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's just, it was my son.

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[SPEAKER_00]: He's my son.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I love him.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I love him as much as I can.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and I want the best for him and I take the actions that are in front of me that I can see that I can embrace and go with those and have the like the idea of regrets about what I did or did not do.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Go.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, you know, it goes back to what I said about cleaning the mirror.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Like I talked about you talking about plans and stuff.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know,

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[SPEAKER_01]: I had more than one mentor that in business that would, you know, talk about your business plans and, you know, and I evolved to calling them life plans, you know, you do them at the end of the year and everything you're planning for the next year because there's aspects of it that relate to business and some of it to your life, your fitness, your faith and your family and everything.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And as I mentioned, you know, I've had mentors that have like these big huge elaborate plans and they go like far out in terms of many years.

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[SPEAKER_01]: and the part about that that I was feeling is that why hope to live a long life?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Why not plan for it?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I have one mentor that had a training called Living A Life from Purpose.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I've talked to you about it before.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It begins with a writing, a new new legit.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then you back in generic to live your life in a manner that puts people in a position to say those things about you that you would hope they would say when you

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[SPEAKER_01]: pass away.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And why not plan to live to a certain age, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, whether, you know, just just raising your intention, what I realize in my mirror being clean is that I can't take big bites like that because I love putting the plan together, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's like, I'm like, oh, man, the creative putting it all together and the the whole nine yards and it's like

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[SPEAKER_01]: but now I got to do this whole thing and like her.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then before you know it, you just back away from it and there's no conscious thought to not do it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So the whole doing more whatever, it's all tied to having a clear self image.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't mean just not just the most positive one.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean a clear one because when you have a clear one, you know your strengths versus your weaknesses and then you, and when it's really clear,

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know the weaknesses that you can show up and improve versus the ones that don't make you a bad person and just they're okay and if you know those things then they're doing the one more or figuring out what the left you know what your max is.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and it takes a lot to do that, especially if we talk about going through life, just being whole people expect you to be, and then you have to help with that, but then there's a whole lot of masking and delusion that's taken place.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't have to be as obvious, masking, where you're

56:48.680 --> 56:53.224
[SPEAKER_01]: hiding a deformity, a physical water, something like that, that's actually a little easier to identify.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The other kind of masking is that which you didn't even realize because the mask is kind of morphed into your own face and we didn't look in the mirror, so you don't even know that you're not being true to you, but even the more true we are to ourselves, the easier it is to figure out what our max is and then redefine it if that's something that we if, that's something that we want to do.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know, I know for a lot of people that's not going to be challenging, but it's worthwhile because if it was easy, everybody would do it, but trust me, they ain't So with that said, we are just about up

57:33.533 --> 57:37.777
[SPEAKER_01]: upon the end of the hour, which always goes by fast where I haven't had a good time, which we do here.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I want to thank everyone within the son of my voice, but actually before I do that, I want to thank you because this adventure in this platform, just it's, I'm just so grateful for it.

57:49.307 --> 57:51.609
[SPEAKER_01]: And I feel like we're just getting started.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If you get to the chance to hear this episode, I want to thank Brian Altonium because we began just two dads and it is more into this.

57:59.756 --> 58:02.038
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to thank our good friend.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Susanna Peslevel, who will be with us.

58:04.681 --> 58:22.845
[SPEAKER_01]: I believe on the next episode and as part of our family here as well, and something that I want to do which I had been doing when I was doing just two days and just kind of got away from that, especially in the month of March, we just experienced international women's day, and this is women's month.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I want to thank the women in my life, because without them,

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[SPEAKER_01]: figuratively, literally, biologically, chemically, heavenly, I would not be just couldn't be.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I want to thank them and each and every one within the sound of my voice, I want to thank you that we love you again.

58:46.992 --> 58:55.802
[SPEAKER_01]: If you click on the link in the show notes, you can get 10% after final purchase with Billy Footwear, the link for our

58:55.782 --> 58:57.283
[SPEAKER_01]: is in the show notes as well.

58:57.303 --> 58:58.304
[SPEAKER_01]: And that is free of charge.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And just want to thank you again.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We've got some great episodes coming up.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Some fantastic guests.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And remember, if there's anything that you want to have us talk about or anything when you think that we should be speaking to, feel free to write us at change the world at beyond the spectrum of podcast.com.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Again,

59:24.588 --> 59:26.057
[SPEAKER_01]: We'd love to hear what you have to say.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.

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[SPEAKER_00]: All right.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Bye everybody.