Who cares

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[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, hello, hello and welcome to another episode of Beyond This Spectrum every age every need.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I am Sean Francis and I'm joined by my partner and thrive for the warrior and my cousin Maurice McDavid Maurice.

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[SPEAKER_00]: What up?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Now, much another day, we've sent another day and another dollar, but I'm not working.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So, just another day.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Whenever I hear that another day, I was thinking the other day as I pulled it into the driveway, I was thinking of which way is up with Richard prior when he's laying got two families and he's playing both ends in the candle and when he walks into the home, this primary fremythia, he's like, hey, another day another dollar man's home.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Man.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's funny.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, anyway.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We are going to be doing something that's, I don't know if it's a little different.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But we're going to go forward, do a little bit of a segment which we refer to as just who cares, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And

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[SPEAKER_00]: that sometimes that's something that people ask the universe who really cares, who cares about me, if you're feeling sorry about yourself.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, who cares, especially when you're a caregiver?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Who cares for the caregiver?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Other caregivers, that's who.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So all we're gonna do is, yeah, hopefully, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: But that's what we're here for, and this is some of the things that we're gonna talk about as it relates to, just conversation and maybe what we were each going through right now and what the week has given us.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so on and so forth, on another episode of Beyond The Spectrum.

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[SPEAKER_00]: All right, I swear one of the biggest challenges is like, okay, don't have the feed just right, but then the other thing is to resist the temptation to just sit there and listen to the glue.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So that That's kind of like my God, that's what I'm saying.

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[SPEAKER_00]: All right, good start, good start.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Before we jump right into it, we want to think our friends at Billy footwear and amazing company with an amazing cause, the founder Billy price, so for a catastrophic

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[SPEAKER_00]: accident that left him paralyzed, he had to learn how to do everything all over again.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And he was able to do so with the exception of tying his, uh, well, putting shoes on his feet.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And a prototype was made, Billy Footwear was born and they have in that time sold over a million pairs of shoes and impacted many lives.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm sure Billy will be joining us on the show sometime in the future.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We've had him on previously just an amazing company, amazing mission.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And if you click on the link

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[SPEAKER_00]: That includes any sales that they may have going on at the time.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We also want to encourage you to join us for our bi-weekly call, our men's group known as the Dan.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We meet every other Tuesday at 430 p.m. Pacific on Zoom.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Society does not encourage men to even state that they're uncertain about things, much less any kind of fear or apprehension or anything like that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And what we've done is created a

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[SPEAKER_00]: room where you get to do that every other week and we have members that are as far away as Mexico City on the East Coast, the West Coast in between, Maurice just stayed far to want to love about what your experience has been like with the Dan.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know, it has been an amazing experience.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's you know, you find commonality in matter of fact, I'm I need you to send me the link because I was talking to a coworker and he has a

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a believer, I'm a recruiter, so if you're a dad listening to this and you need some encouragement and the midst of the fight, then is the place to come.

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[SPEAKER_00]: There you go.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I should tell you, I came up with the idea after the previous firm that I was with working in financial services.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We had created a men's group and I thought men's group and I some bunch of dudes sitting around a campfire trying to figure out who's got the biggest kill and who could push out a bear in the fastest.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That ate me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I just have no interest in that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I found out over time that I was a part of a leadership group.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I missed one of the Zoom calls that we had over a two-year period, got everything I could out of it, and then I realized, well, if society doesn't encourage men to be vulnerable or just simply raise their hand or say, I don't know, generally speaking, then that probably applies 10 times more so that I just say, probably, I'm not sure.

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[SPEAKER_00]: that probably applies.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it came out weird.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That probably applies 10 times more so to those who are caregivers, whether you're talking about someone who's neurodipurgent, you're talking about an elderly relative, whatever the case might be.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It can be a little bit of a lonely existence because you're so focused on the task task at hand.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Matter of fact, my son is 19 was diagnosed with autism at the age of three.

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[SPEAKER_00]: my identification for my wife and I as caregivers is less than five years old because I was just so busy doing what I do to even think that it was caregiver.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I just thought I was being a parent.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So anyway, onto our topic.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So with who cares, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: I care.

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[SPEAKER_00]: What's your week been like Maurice generally speaking from a care giving standpoint, life standpoint, any and everything?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I'm going to start here because during the broadcast or during this show, I'm probably

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[SPEAKER_01]: issues and they are taking some drops that make them water quite a bit.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'll be I mean to do it right now.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I've got to wait and to say that so I could go ahead and do it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm dealing with that right now.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there are just things that I think are part of aging that are like yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But so that's kind of what just to the top of the sheet for me is I'm just dealing with some

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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't have any problems with vision.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's just my eyes water like crazy.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So you said something that's really interesting.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You talked about aging.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And what's really bizarre for me, I'm not complaining.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So what I'm gonna say is, I don't have a long list of things physically that are taking place that make me feel old.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm 161, you got me by what?

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[SPEAKER_00]: A year, a couple of months, something like that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I feel good, but what's really coming to me in terms of how short our visit is on the planet, because it is a visit, even though we've got all the home, is not only people passing away, people that I know, and some cases famous people, it's just,

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[SPEAKER_00]: a trip to see and come to grips with your mortality and things around you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: On one end, that has nothing to do with caregiving, but then it has everything to do with it because it goes back to the other thought where you're like, what happens to my child?

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'll tell you this.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I work in financial services and I'm committed to building a bridge between financial service, education, literacy and opportunity, and the general public, but especially the caregiving and special needs community.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But I will tell you whether it's my family as we have done or other families that I have been able to serve.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you've got every financial instrument in place, life insurance, will or trust, special needs, trust, retirement, get a limitation, all of that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: There is still a wonder that cannot be satisfied by any financial product, which comes to you and says,

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[SPEAKER_00]: child or loved one when I exist only in memory.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So when we talk about life, lifeving and moving by at light speed, again, it's not connected to financial services, you know, but I was sorry, not connected to caregiving with special needs, but yet it is.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I've been thinking about that a lot this past

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[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I have been for the past, you know, a couple years in terms of just self-discovery, but really, and it's two things that really hit me with it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: There's a gentleman by the name of Tom Bailer, who just recently passed away.

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[SPEAKER_00]: He wrote, it worked with Quincy Jones, and he wrote, she's out of my life, Michael Jackson's son.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And we became friends on Facebook, and he, when he passed away, I looked at his profile,

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[SPEAKER_00]: I kind of took for granted that connection because he made a post that I had not seen that said, you know, I am a lyric of the platform these days, but I don't take connecting with people lightly if I'm connected with you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I do so for a reason and you know, then I thought of the exchange and the communication that we had by Messenger and I never really necessarily got to know him, but I found out that he was as nice a person as I really thought he was and

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then the other thing is I was in the West Valley, San Fernando Valley, with a large yesterday.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And in that area, there is actually two malls.

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[SPEAKER_00]: One of them, one of the properties has been purchased by the Rams, and they have the practice facility and offices there.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then there's this massive project that is taking place where a portion of it is going to be,

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[SPEAKER_00]: designed for apartments or condos and businesses as well.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And the entire area on the landscape, and anybody that's over 40 can relate to this, it's completely changed and things that you knew were not there.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So when I see sites and accounts on social media that are dedicated to nostalgia, I feel like, oh man, it's cool that it brings a smile to your face.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know, like keeps changing.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, you know, and keep thinking about the cycle and then I look at Elijah and I'll see like a memory that comes up on social media and I'm like, gosh, he was that height two weeks ago, you know, that voice in that video doesn't exist anymore, you know?

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[SPEAKER_00]: So those are the things that I've been thinking about this past week in particular as we

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[SPEAKER_00]: go through these changes in these seasons that life puts upon us.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Is there anything that doesn't have to necessarily be a problem?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Because when you say who cares, it's not necessarily they'll tell me your problems and your worries.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Those are great.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But you might want to talk about a win or a breakthrough or anything like that that's happening as well.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Anything like that we regard to caregiving or your son Isaac?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, well, again,

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's all type.

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[SPEAKER_01]: My entire life is tied to caregiving, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: We both understand this.

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[SPEAKER_01]: There's nothing that caregiving doesn't touch kind of as it impacts though my life and there's nothing that my life doesn't impact coming back when it comes to caregiving in my son and my family.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So it's all intertwined, you know, you were talking about aging and people passing it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I go to more of service tomorrow for

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[SPEAKER_01]: My wife's aunt and I've known her now for 40 something years and she's a cool lady, you know, and just I worked into her 80s just a little dynamo, you know, it's tiny lady like by 48 or you know, just for tiny, you know, but you know, I got to see her shortly before she passed and she recognized me, hey, Maurice, it was just, um,

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[SPEAKER_01]: It was good to see her.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It was good to be able to have kind of that final conversation with her and her memorial services tomorrow.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, you talked about our mortality, and I think about aging, but I will flip it really quick and say that there is a win for me, as I think about aging.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I've shared it if you hear before he talked about it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But I have been heavily involved

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[SPEAKER_01]: and men the last two weeks I have and I complained about it for the first eight nine months a year it's like I don't feel like I'm getting any more flexible still so hard to touch my toes my hamstrings is so tight well I can just play over the last couple of weeks it's felt felt strangely limber and good physically and it's just it's just been a real kind of a high

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, climbing the stairs feels like nothing, and there's no aches or pains, and I'm like, I'm really grateful to be where I am, age wise and feel the way I do, health wise with the exception of my eyes, because there's always got to be something, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that's both, I think, I hope I don't get off on a tangent here, but it's

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's always that you don't know if it's a win in the moment you might feel like a loss.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But six months are a year from now you might think, you know, that was really a blessing for me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's a win or you might think something's a win.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then six months later a year later, you know, that was.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I thought that was a good thing, but it wasn't.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Really judging what something is in the moment.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It is maybe unwise.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It just.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We grateful for the days we're in.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We are, I don't know, I apologize, that's just a weird one.

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[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, that's not a tangent, it's not a tangent.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, you know, you know, on the wrong person to, you know, talk about the engines.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you know, you know, it's interesting because

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[SPEAKER_00]: And to be honest, and I share the most recent episode at the time of the recording for this, you know, which was published yesterday.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It was just me, and I like all I did is share my experience to this point, having been diagnosed with ADHD and finding out that I, two of them, are divergent, you know, and you spend your time advocating for this community and you're a member of it as a result of caregiving.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And all the time, I had another membership card that I didn't know about.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't know if my tangents are tied to my diagnosis, or I've nothing to do with it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But it's part of me and so I can't judge.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But I think you said something that I think is very interesting.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Especially in this day and age.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And the further we go into the future, the less patients we have as a society.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I used to say that maybe 10 years ago, 15 years ago,

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[SPEAKER_00]: somewhere around there.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I used to say, you know, people are in this very, I would say, a microwave society, you know, at water and stir, you know, something just instant.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if,

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[SPEAKER_00]: we don't get instant gratification, you know, and those analogies are way too slow.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about something even faster, because think about it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So this device, our phones, right?

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[SPEAKER_00]: You take this thing and you make a call on it, especially for someone that's not been born in a world where these things didn't exist, or hasn't lived in a world where they don't exist.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You push buttons, a signal listen to outer space.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It goes to outer space and it comes back to the Earth in order to connect you to somebody.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But especially depending on when you're born, you're like,

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[SPEAKER_00]: Gosh, it takes so long for me to go through, you know, it's like you're looking for perfection.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And we were talking earlier, there was someone that reached out to us that keeps track of podcasts.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we're close to a, we're a very small organization here with this show.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have a large production staff or anything like that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So, there isn't.

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[SPEAKER_00]: looking at rankings and demographics and all that kind of stuff.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We don't always necessarily get to do that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But somebody reached out to us and told us where our podcast was placed.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And as a result of it, in terms of the audience wanted to connect us with services that they provide in terms of partnerships and things like that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And we were kind of like, how is that?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, even possible.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, what happens is when you do what you do and you just put it out there,

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[SPEAKER_00]: nor do you know when they're going to receive it, just like what you were saying about your breath work and just stretching and everything.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I think what some people do is they begin something and if the results don't come right away, especially the younger you want, unfortunately, and that's not to, you know, bash, I'm not being Mr. Get off my lawn.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The younger generation,

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[SPEAKER_00]: your product of your environment and if you live in a world where everything is instantaneous like it is now with all these distractions, why shouldn't you be impatient?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Patience is something that is more difficult to attain.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so if we dare to get involved in an endeavor a relationship, a marriage, a business, whatever, and we don't see the results that we want right away, you know, many of us will

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[SPEAKER_00]: quit because we have no appreciation for anything having a chance to compound and actually grow and get its value.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And if you take that mindset generally speaking and then tie it to caregiving, well, you'd see where the patience is just not the same.

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[SPEAKER_00]: For instance, Elijah is part of a program that this wonderful family has, which we'll be talking about by the way, it's called

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[SPEAKER_00]: and the family that runs at the daughter's name is Piper.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not even sure of her diagnosis, but she is wheelchair bound.

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[SPEAKER_00]: She's in her 20s, she wasn't supposed to live, I don't think, till past age 12.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But her brothers realizing that she couldn't participate in sports.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They started a baseball league, and so Elijah plays on that team.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So there's a variety of different disabilities and neurodivergence, that a lot of the kids have.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And we're two years into basketball as well.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so we have practice each week and we're practiced.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I notice every now and then,

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[SPEAKER_00]: I notice that I have a variety of things that I go through.

19:10.696 --> 19:14.782
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll see these victories in terms of like, oh, that child is doing this.

19:15.143 --> 19:19.950
[SPEAKER_00]: And then that's not children that you're on the bills, but I'll see that one of them is doing something they couldn't necessarily do before.

19:20.351 --> 19:22.014
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes, that's Elijah.

19:22.094 --> 19:23.676
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just like, oh, that's, that's so cool.

19:24.618 --> 19:32.710
[SPEAKER_00]: And basketball, unlike baseball, involves a lot more coordination and knowing where to go and which basket is shooting at when you're on offense, when you're at defense.

19:33.331 --> 19:34.433
[SPEAKER_00]: And so,

19:34.784 --> 19:37.207
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I'll see these victories, but I'll catch myself.

19:37.287 --> 20:02.580
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't say I don't say I wish he did this like a normal quote unquote normal child The neurotypical child, but the distinct difference is there because there's other teams that practice at the same gym So there's no or kids just running up and down and You'll stuff I'm trying to get him to do He'll do at times when other days when he's not feeling it It's just not taking place and it might mean you don't run it up the court and

20:04.113 --> 20:16.108
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just interesting seeing the difference there and the appreciation, you know, for what it is that he can do, you know, so that's just an interesting observation.

20:16.609 --> 20:31.588
[SPEAKER_00]: We were talking earlier about the concept of masking and I think something like that exists primarily amongst.

20:32.176 --> 20:34.439
[SPEAKER_00]: at least within the special needs of care given community.

20:34.740 --> 20:44.674
[SPEAKER_00]: How functioning individuals we're trying to fit in somewhere, but I mean, quite frankly, with myself discovering, we've been talking about, there's most of us have no idea who we are.

20:44.734 --> 20:47.658
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think this is surely trying to find out because we don't know that we don't know.

20:48.119 --> 20:50.623
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think everybody does some kind of masking to an extent.

20:53.547 --> 21:00.597
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you think that there's any of that that is taking place in your experience

21:01.015 --> 21:03.178
[SPEAKER_00]: if you would be an or a caregiver?

21:06.183 --> 21:13.394
[SPEAKER_01]: In my, it might make sense to explain masking, because again, as we were talking about, I wasn't quite sure what you meant I was saying COVID masking, so.

21:13.614 --> 21:19.543
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, anything, anything other than, almost anything other than, who you are.

21:19.603 --> 21:23.349
[SPEAKER_00]: For instance, you have made a comment that, like for instance, me.

21:23.729 --> 21:28.997
[SPEAKER_00]: I, as, I have a unique perspective as a,

21:29.855 --> 21:33.299
[SPEAKER_00]: African American from the U.S. Virgin Islands.

21:33.739 --> 21:37.143
[SPEAKER_00]: What happens in that, let me take that back step further.

21:37.584 --> 21:43.971
[SPEAKER_00]: And African American from the U.S. Virgin Islands warned in the 60s, growing up in the 70s and 80s.

21:44.872 --> 21:50.319
[SPEAKER_00]: What I mean by that is that I grew up in an environment, I came to California at 17.

21:51.240 --> 21:53.382
[SPEAKER_00]: And so by the time I came here, I had

21:53.902 --> 22:23.335
[SPEAKER_00]: roots and I did some growing up here but I did, I had a foundation when I came here and that foundation consisted of an island that's 32 square miles and predominantly black but has white residents or citizens as well and as a result without anybody teaching me, I grew up communicating with technically

22:23.770 --> 22:42.859
[SPEAKER_00]: a local dialect, which is a form of English, what would be considered more proper or corporate English, you know, communicate with white people, and then what is more in alignment with a black American?

22:43.328 --> 23:11.530
[SPEAKER_00]: And then not thinking about we'll hear I'm going to quote him because the term code switching didn't even exist that right right right and so I don't even know if that's an accurate description of masking anything all those things are part of who I am so I just speak as spoken to you know fairly well I don't feel like I'm being somebody else

23:12.151 --> 23:21.960
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't know if definitely like masking, but in a corporate world, you talked about bending at least a little bit to fit into certain boxes or places.

23:22.400 --> 23:24.362
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, bending a lot of bit, not a little bit.

23:24.722 --> 23:25.543
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, okay.

23:25.563 --> 23:36.453
[SPEAKER_00]: So with the bending, if you're bending in a direction that's something other than who you are, it might not be so far that it's fake, but it's, you know, so that defines masking to an extent.

23:36.513 --> 23:41.517
[SPEAKER_00]: And for people that are neurodivergent,

23:42.172 --> 23:53.103
[SPEAKER_00]: to themselves, so they try and limit or mask traits, whether it's tanks, stemming, whatever the case might be.

23:53.503 --> 23:54.824
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, absolutely.

23:54.844 --> 23:55.825
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, so there you go.

23:55.845 --> 24:00.290
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why I'm masking applies to the neurodivergent and really every human being.

24:00.310 --> 24:04.333
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think it really is every human being to some degree, right?

24:04.474 --> 24:07.977
[SPEAKER_01]: And I have shared with you many times,

24:08.311 --> 24:28.741
[SPEAKER_01]: being born in the 60s, growing up in the 70s and 80s, like you, that my parents were very specifically spoke to opportunities that were going to be available for me because you know, coming out of the 60s now, the civil rights movement had taken place and some of the impediments for success were removed.

24:31.785 --> 24:38.014
[SPEAKER_01]: But what was drilled into me very consistently was

24:38.686 --> 24:46.820
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, you have to act, you know, smarter, word harder, but gotta be better, right?

24:46.840 --> 24:48.663
[SPEAKER_01]: Just to be even you gotta be better, right?

24:48.924 --> 25:02.668
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that often for me as I was very competitive and wanted financial success, and I worked in Orange County here in Southern California, which is a

25:02.952 --> 25:04.494
[SPEAKER_01]: very white area.

25:06.337 --> 25:09.661
[SPEAKER_01]: I had to I had to speak a problem.

25:21.618 --> 25:24.422
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure what happened that you froze for a second there.

25:24.442 --> 25:26.184
[SPEAKER_01]: I am back now can you hear me?

25:26.204 --> 25:31.812
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah you will do it.

25:32.213 --> 25:42.569
[SPEAKER_01]: So I adopted that wholeheartedly and I can tell you on a number of occasions that the way I spoke was very proper.

25:42.629 --> 25:53.165
[SPEAKER_01]: And I could see in people's eyes when I went to a meeting, they were like, and I know, you know, I'd come in the office, or I'd not be at their home or whatever, because there's a mortgage industry for a number of years.

25:54.146 --> 25:54.267
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

25:54.287 --> 25:59.875
[SPEAKER_01]: And their eyes would do this flash, like when they opened their, like, your black, I had no idea.

26:00.665 --> 26:04.871
[SPEAKER_01]: And that could be a positive or a negative depending on who is opening the door, right?

26:05.552 --> 26:05.672
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

26:06.353 --> 26:13.003
[SPEAKER_01]: So, yeah, absolutely adopted, masking professionally for sure.

26:13.023 --> 26:25.020
[SPEAKER_01]: And it wasn't that it wasn't who I am, but it was to re-grease the wheels of my success in that environment, if that makes sense.

26:25.041 --> 26:25.862
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

26:26.663 --> 26:26.823
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

26:26.843 --> 26:29.507
[SPEAKER_01]: And when it comes to being a caregiver,

26:30.449 --> 26:46.229
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I think, unfortunately, I try to mask my son, you know, I try to get him to be quieter, you know, and I say this all time okay, but you know, round public, you got to control your autism.

26:46.910 --> 26:49.032
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and he can to a degree.

26:49.933 --> 26:53.638
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and I, I, I know that,

26:55.137 --> 27:01.186
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow, that's kind of got my emotions kind of stirred up and I'm thinking about it's like, is that wrong?

27:01.326 --> 27:01.987
[SPEAKER_01]: Is that right?

27:05.131 --> 27:21.415
[SPEAKER_01]: Because you know, it's it's the way his body wants to act, you know, it's what feels good to him stemming and some of the noises that he makes and yet it's to be quite disruptive in a public situation.

27:21.901 --> 27:29.210
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I've spent a lot of years encouraging him, hey, tot it down, quite down, you know, you know, you were on public, that kind of thing.

27:29.591 --> 27:30.512
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, who's that for?

27:31.853 --> 27:34.136
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's kind of the question that's going in my mind.

27:34.296 --> 27:43.208
[SPEAKER_01]: A part of that's for me, a part of it, I'm sure, I think it's for him because I don't want you to vote saying strange things to him or give him where it looks.

27:43.728 --> 27:51.638
[SPEAKER_01]: And a part of it is that don't want us to be a disruption to other people as they go about their day.

27:52.647 --> 27:58.032
[SPEAKER_01]: Man, I'm not even sure what to do with that because I feel kind of like, I feel bad about it.

27:58.052 --> 28:00.735
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll just put it that way, I feel like what's okay, you know, you can do about it.

28:00.955 --> 28:18.233
[SPEAKER_00]: You can continue to ask the question and keep navigating it because, you know, like we were in Costco yesterday, um, yeah, so I'm thankful for having this platform on the show because, yeah, no, I feel a little bit.

28:18.871 --> 28:39.816
[SPEAKER_00]: because we you always ask questions so we're in there and you know he's got he wants these cupcakes makes the list before we go see wants the the birthday cupcakes the white frosting the sprinkles on them we go to the area and to two things he's got this habit where he's pushing a shopping cart

28:40.117 --> 28:46.289
[SPEAKER_00]: and if he sees something that he wants because right now he's big into brochures and literature and paraphernalia of any kind.

28:46.950 --> 29:02.040
[SPEAKER_00]: So what he'll do is he'll be walking and when he sees what he wants he just like stops and he'll go get it and he'll pile them up in the car like you can't just leave the cart right there in the aisle like you got to you got to pay attention and I know that is autism but sometimes in moments

29:02.459 --> 29:07.106
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not about or I care what other people think, but I'm just like, how can you not focus on this?

29:07.527 --> 29:14.458
[SPEAKER_00]: And when I say focus, especially because of my diagnosis, I find myself trying to judge him less or I catch myself when I'm like, wait a minute, dude.

29:15.260 --> 29:17.303
[SPEAKER_00]: I think focus is French to you.

29:17.363 --> 29:20.308
[SPEAKER_00]: So how do you, you know?

29:20.328 --> 29:22.291
[SPEAKER_01]: This is important for the lack of men.

29:22.311 --> 29:23.633
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

29:23.733 --> 29:26.938
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like his lack of focus, you passed on to him, some of you.

29:27.299 --> 29:27.399
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

29:27.439 --> 29:27.960
[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know,

29:28.312 --> 29:57.137
[SPEAKER_00]: but he but then sometimes he's just right too you know so we go to the baker area and he's like looking for the cupcakes looking looking and he wants to ask someone and I usually try and sit back and let him ask and if he can't quite get it out because he's verbal but it'll speak fast or not necessarily loud enough for somebody to hear kind of run the words together so I asked a lady that was putting out the bread since then and said do you guys out of cupcakes and she said um

29:58.282 --> 30:24.930
[SPEAKER_00]: I think, you know, we're out and I said, okay, so we go to the next area getting produce and then as we're walking away, he's looking back at it and he's like, they don't Check for like big use action and check for cupcakes and I heard myself when I was like, they don't have any there out and I said it like that with the emphasis on the team, which is like code for what do you want, they just said they're out and then I thought We, you know,

30:25.737 --> 30:27.278
[SPEAKER_00]: And actually, no, it wasn't quite that smooth.

30:27.298 --> 30:30.261
[SPEAKER_00]: He can't push in the cart over to the maker era anyway.

30:30.281 --> 30:32.002
[SPEAKER_00]: And he goes over to the area in Costco.

30:32.022 --> 30:36.126
[SPEAKER_00]: They have little forms where you can feel out what you want written on it.

30:36.266 --> 30:36.907
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't take place.

30:36.927 --> 30:38.128
[SPEAKER_00]: And you make your order, right?

30:38.688 --> 30:42.191
[SPEAKER_00]: So because it's paper and it's literature, he's looking at it and he wants to get it.

30:42.251 --> 30:45.214
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, that's not what that's for.

30:45.254 --> 30:46.335
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't just like take that.

30:46.735 --> 30:51.219
[SPEAKER_00]: But then he's like, because of cover one ear and start kind of mumbling or murmuring.

30:51.239 --> 30:54.462
[SPEAKER_00]: So he's asking the girl, but it's there, asking her question.

30:55.083 --> 31:24.988
[SPEAKER_00]: and I get ready to correct them and like they said they don't have anymore but then I'm like if they don't they don't let me let him ask her so he asks she's looking at him kind of I'm sorry I can't understand and there's a coworker standing there he's looking over like what is going on here and I love and I love it and Elijah gets it out and asks and she goes let me check she goes to the back there's none of them in sight and she comes up with a

31:26.639 --> 31:40.382
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and so we got what he wanted because he wouldn't ask somebody and rather than catching rather than accepting that he was able to ask for what he wanted and communicate it.

31:42.365 --> 31:49.116
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I'm focused on some of the stupid cry, but I don't even know what I was focused on.

31:49.136 --> 31:50.138
[SPEAKER_00]: It just wasn't on that.

31:51.800 --> 31:53.423
[SPEAKER_00]: You know?

31:53.808 --> 31:59.714
[SPEAKER_00]: And then that goes to I shift to make you sure he doesn't have too many of them because what he'll do is if nobody's looking.

32:01.977 --> 32:04.880
[SPEAKER_00]: We're sticking all kinds of places.

32:05.160 --> 32:05.681
[SPEAKER_00]: Wherever.

32:06.021 --> 32:06.822
[SPEAKER_00]: If nobody's looking.

32:08.424 --> 32:14.991
[SPEAKER_00]: You won't know that they're missing because what I do is he'll take the plastic that they come in after he's eaten them all.

32:15.011 --> 32:18.094
[SPEAKER_00]: And when nobody's looking, he'll go out to the yard and put them in the bin.

32:18.665 --> 32:40.572
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, because you know, you're a cartoon sound effects boy boy because he's bouncing off the walls and you need all the cupcakes, yes, and that's what I love about being in this community is some of the things are identical, man.

32:41.007 --> 32:44.634
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, we give him set time that he can be on his phone, right?

32:44.654 --> 32:47.399
[SPEAKER_01]: Because he can't be under all the extended like crazy, right?

32:48.040 --> 32:54.453
[SPEAKER_01]: So the thing that cracks me up is about five minutes before his time is up, he gets real quiet.

32:54.513 --> 32:56.998
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, the whole time like, hey, could you be quiet, buddy?

32:57.018 --> 32:58.240
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, hey, stop, you know,

32:58.220 --> 33:11.895
[SPEAKER_01]: And but I'm telling you five minutes for us time with all said you don't hear anything And it's like because he knows and he'll go over and if he gets away with this So it'll be like five minutes past time like I don't hear anything, but did you get off your phone?

33:12.376 --> 33:14.963
[SPEAKER_01]: No, it's like okay

33:15.652 --> 33:29.184
[SPEAKER_01]: And the same thing with cupcakes or treats like that, I have to give a very specific, you can have one today and one tomorrow because if you don't say, also you're finding cupcakes, the rappers and the cupcakes are counter everywhere, right?

33:29.325 --> 33:30.105
[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah.

33:30.125 --> 33:34.329
[SPEAKER_01]: And then yeah, so, you know, these kids are smart.

33:34.850 --> 33:37.092
[SPEAKER_01]: They have a challenge, but things are what they're doing.

33:37.192 --> 33:37.712
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, we go.

33:38.253 --> 33:44.038
[SPEAKER_00]: And that goes back to what I said about my own diagnosis

33:44.339 --> 33:53.729
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I said before, it's like regret is an emotion and a luxury that human beings generally speaking cannot afford, right?

33:53.869 --> 33:56.351
[SPEAKER_00]: We just, it doesn't serve any value whatsoever.

33:56.792 --> 33:58.874
[SPEAKER_00]: Unless you got a time machine, no, right?

34:00.015 --> 34:13.789
[SPEAKER_00]: And so when I think back to the kid that I was that repeated fourth grade, that especially in us, you know, on a smile island you, when you repeat fourth grade, the first day of school when you walk in,

34:14.258 --> 34:18.343
[SPEAKER_00]: These are siblings of the people who are one great ahead in the class that you are in.

34:18.844 --> 34:19.505
[SPEAKER_00]: And they know you.

34:19.865 --> 34:21.347
[SPEAKER_00]: So when you come walking in this.

34:21.628 --> 34:41.194
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

34:43.013 --> 35:02.946
[SPEAKER_00]: thinking back with my, because in the episode where I talked about my diagnosis, I talked about one of the reasons why I can embrace it is because I have attained this clarity as to who I am before the diagnosis and what I've come to understand is that

35:04.040 --> 35:05.442
[SPEAKER_00]: why people have limitations?

35:06.003 --> 35:07.706
[SPEAKER_00]: People know what he lacks intelligence.

35:07.726 --> 35:08.968
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think anybody does.

35:09.108 --> 35:11.091
[SPEAKER_00]: You can take the most severely challenged person.

35:11.512 --> 35:17.802
[SPEAKER_00]: People have different levels of intelligence, but what I like to look at is different languages of intelligence.

35:17.822 --> 35:20.807
[SPEAKER_00]: Not unlike a love language, that a person has, right?

35:20.907 --> 35:22.329
[SPEAKER_00]: Not everybody's love language is same.

35:22.890 --> 35:30.402
[SPEAKER_00]: So just like you can have a person who grew up in a household where the love language is acts of affection.

35:31.748 --> 35:34.874
[SPEAKER_00]: their spouses, love language, is acts of service.

35:35.857 --> 35:39.524
[SPEAKER_00]: So to them, it's not affection, it's about going to work and providing every day.

35:39.544 --> 35:42.230
[SPEAKER_00]: They're both saying, I love you, but once speaking English, they're the other speaking French.

35:42.771 --> 35:51.349
[SPEAKER_00]: The same applies to our intelligence language, you know, like those things are just different.

35:51.429 --> 35:52.491
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I wish I could

35:52.994 --> 36:22.073
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not regret, it's just, I wish that kid back then knew that it might be just a little different and it involves, you know, it might involve strapping you down or something because you just can't hit and focus whatever it was for him, you know, and so the same thing is like you're talking about, you know, our kids being like so ridiculously smart because an inability to verbalize anything has nothing to do with intelligence.

36:22.357 --> 36:32.329
[SPEAKER_01]: The den, as we pitched at the very beginning, there are multiple dads there with kids who are non-verbal, but they begin to get into spelling.

36:32.809 --> 36:34.852
[SPEAKER_01]: That's kind of using a spell board.

36:35.573 --> 36:39.177
[SPEAKER_01]: And these dads have been blown away by what their kids understand.

36:39.217 --> 36:51.672
[SPEAKER_01]: They couldn't verbalize them, but with these letterboards and spelling boards, these kids can now express intellectual concepts

36:52.900 --> 36:56.383
[SPEAKER_01]: parents had no idea these kids understood exactly.

36:56.984 --> 37:19.887
[SPEAKER_01]: I wholeheartedly agree with what you're saying there about, you know, it may be it's in a different form or language, you know, not like French English, but you know, it's expressed in a different way, but you know, they they these kids have

37:20.305 --> 37:29.555
[SPEAKER_01]: It's finding that way to connect and open that out for them so that they can express to us in the world they are.

37:30.115 --> 37:30.896
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

37:31.777 --> 37:32.518
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

37:32.538 --> 37:37.783
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's our responsibility to find out what that intelligence language is.

37:38.244 --> 37:44.871
[SPEAKER_00]: Because the truth of the matter is it goes further than just the children for who we care, or to whom we are parents.

37:45.531 --> 37:48.034
[SPEAKER_00]: Because if you're able to do that with them,

37:48.571 --> 37:53.695
[SPEAKER_00]: you're able to communicate with yourself in a better way and then communicate with others.

37:53.816 --> 38:03.004
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you're not interested in doing that, you have to wonder how much time or just space, you're just kind of taking up on the planet.

38:03.024 --> 38:18.477
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not the judge anybody, but if you're not trying to connect with other people in some shape or form or understand them or be curious about

38:18.946 --> 38:27.855
[SPEAKER_00]: You're limiting your capability and you're greater than you think or may ever know and to somebody who needs your curiosity, you know.

38:27.875 --> 38:33.501
[SPEAKER_00]: So raising consciousness isn't about going to become enlightened and I want to get smarter, you know.

38:33.581 --> 38:34.421
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not a bad thing.

38:34.482 --> 38:36.003
[SPEAKER_00]: What is broader than that?

38:36.063 --> 38:48.936
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not just about you and that's one thing that I think here giving gives us and teaches us and go back to what I was saying earlier.

38:49.709 --> 39:05.710
[SPEAKER_00]: allow something to develop and grow and be built, you know, like for instance, just look at your marriage, you know, so where 21 years in you guys got us by like say 10 years.

39:06.130 --> 39:15.362
[SPEAKER_00]: Just think of like what it means to have that and what it's built into and you know, every now and then just stop

39:16.372 --> 39:17.854
[SPEAKER_00]: and this is something special here.

39:18.034 --> 39:26.343
[SPEAKER_00]: That took time, no matter how perfect you might be on paper, no matter how deep in love you are, that didn't become what it is from day one.

39:27.845 --> 39:38.397
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, nothing does, you know, and I could get on a soapbox and go on about this forever, but even on social media, this guys that in some cases here and then in other cases,

39:39.001 --> 40:04.757
[SPEAKER_00]: through rural countries that have these artificial muscles you've seen them where they have like, I think it's, I don't know if it's liquid or something like it that they put into them where there's like just, you know, they want to get big and buff so they, yeah, yeah, so they got like big, big, like they have like a big bicep at the size of a community and a four hour, that looks like, you know, a toothpick, you know, and I just take you like, that's everybody's kind of thing.

40:04.797 --> 40:08.923
[SPEAKER_00]: They're like, I'm pushing the button, but it's not working.

40:09.207 --> 40:25.351
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, and we're kind of getting softened by that, you know, and there's few, there are fewer things that I could say that make me sound more like, give us my love, but that's not what I mean, I just think is the true stuff.

40:25.852 --> 40:31.060
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think it's something that caregiving kind of, you know, toughens you up too.

40:32.341 --> 40:34.084
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, well, you know, um,

40:35.195 --> 40:42.205
[SPEAKER_01]: we've talked on this about this and other episodes, but you're forced into this but a different kind of reality, right?

40:42.405 --> 41:01.472
[SPEAKER_01]: And the love that you have for your kids drives you to that curiosity, because I don't know, you know, I think it's incredible what God creates between your parent and a child, you know, this, you know, you take a bullet for them, right?

41:02.347 --> 41:13.918
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you know that your kid does have the standard set of tools that other kids have, that takes that, take a bullet for them up to another level, right?

41:15.619 --> 41:29.012
[SPEAKER_01]: And I would even call it desperation sometimes, just desperately want the best life that your kid can have.

41:29.313 --> 41:45.455
[SPEAKER_01]: takes priority over a lot of other things, and it forces focus away from yourself, and many some of your selfish goals and desires and dynamics, and pushes you into this place of care of care of you.

41:45.896 --> 41:58.813
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and then go, and the idea for today again, who cares, you know, I think it's something that, I think it's something that people, I think it's something that people

41:59.300 --> 42:02.584
[SPEAKER_00]: within your life, within your circle, and about yourself.

42:02.705 --> 42:04.527
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you really care about, you know?

42:04.807 --> 42:06.790
[SPEAKER_00]: And then we look at other people just a great amount of cocares.

42:06.990 --> 42:13.519
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's something that we say without any kind of thought, you know, but it's very, very powerful.

42:14.360 --> 42:17.024
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's the same thing with words.

42:17.064 --> 42:20.448
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, I don't know.

42:20.468 --> 42:25.375
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you think of, you know, one day when,

42:25.895 --> 42:54.383
[SPEAKER_00]: what if those are some powerful things if you use them and utilize them correctly and then when you go back to the caregrain component it's like you said everything is connected to caregrain caregrain is connected to everything and if you don't agree with that that hasn't been your experience you just haven't been long enough and haven't been touched in an obvious way yet but you're long enough you're going to be in some way shape before yeah and i like what you said

42:55.274 --> 42:56.616
[SPEAKER_01]: when you talk.

42:57.016 --> 42:59.540
[SPEAKER_01]: I like what you said and then it just shot right out of my head.

43:02.684 --> 43:05.969
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I was about, I was about caregiving.

43:06.129 --> 43:08.592
[SPEAKER_01]: It was step to get, but it shot right out of it.

43:08.893 --> 43:10.835
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, we'll have to keep talking to each other.

43:10.855 --> 43:19.107
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, the one thing I always say, which you can tell me if I'm rambling, you can just go and cut me off, but that's something like a goat, that's what I mean.

43:19.447 --> 43:22.311
[SPEAKER_00]: But anyway, that

43:22.983 --> 43:43.243
[SPEAKER_00]: If a member is two things I usually say about caregiving, which is that if you if it sounds foreign to you and you're not connected to it in any way shape or form, if you're blessed whether remotely long life you're going to get membership into the community, either by caring for somebody else, temporary membership because of an illness or injury or your own old age.

43:44.444 --> 43:52.973
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the other thing is just that I said is just that it's everything that affects

43:53.290 --> 44:10.410
[SPEAKER_00]: So what people tend to do is limit those thoughts to things that are obviously connected to caregiving, you know, like respite therapy, medication, things like those things matter, but being seen, being heard, being able to smile, being able to laugh, friendship.

44:11.131 --> 44:12.512
[SPEAKER_00]: Those are things that matter to everybody.

44:12.573 --> 44:17.959
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, if you take a list of them and I don't know them are hard, but there's a list of the four basic human needs.

44:18.479 --> 44:19.821
[SPEAKER_00]: I think there may be five of them.

44:20.290 --> 44:24.134
[SPEAKER_00]: And among them is they need to love, they need to grow on certainty.

44:25.916 --> 44:37.207
[SPEAKER_00]: But each of those, in the other ones that I can't remember, again, they relate to the human condition, but if you just add caregiving on top of that, their value and importance goes up 10 times more.

44:37.247 --> 44:43.353
[SPEAKER_00]: So I wanna go back to what you were saying about, you said it's almost desperation in terms of what you want for your child.

44:43.393 --> 44:47.057
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel a little bit of anxiety just saying that because,

44:47.662 --> 44:48.723
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not almost desperation.

44:48.783 --> 44:49.464
[SPEAKER_00]: It really is.

44:49.524 --> 44:55.409
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, it's like a, you know, the term they say death by a thousand cuts.

44:56.190 --> 45:08.200
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's unnecessarily a death, but something that's overwhelming and jarring and sudden You can come right at you like a rhinoceros for a lack of a better term just like this big huge thing.

45:08.921 --> 45:15.947
[SPEAKER_00]: But then there's these little tiny drops that carry a whole lot of weight and just add up over time.

45:16.366 --> 45:26.278
[SPEAKER_00]: when it relates to your child and they're well-being and, you know, like, for instance, like an Elijah's case, and I've never asked you this, but I thought of this.

45:26.298 --> 45:34.007
[SPEAKER_00]: So Elijah's case, he's got acquaintances on his teams that he plays with and stuff like that.

45:35.629 --> 45:37.051
[SPEAKER_00]: But he's never actually had like a playday.

45:37.111 --> 45:44.820
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if he has any things been to birthday parties and, you know, some of these kids within these groups

45:45.678 --> 45:48.321
[SPEAKER_00]: excluded because not like he's trying to get in there anyway.

45:48.802 --> 45:53.108
[SPEAKER_00]: But he's always seeing more drawn to adults.

45:53.749 --> 45:56.192
[SPEAKER_00]: He's like his former teachers and aides and stuff like that.

45:56.512 --> 45:57.454
[SPEAKER_00]: He is all the phone members.

45:58.315 --> 46:02.981
[SPEAKER_00]: And he loves to reach out to them and very random times and things like that.

46:03.582 --> 46:06.105
[SPEAKER_00]: But he hasn't had a real friend.

46:06.165 --> 46:07.907
[SPEAKER_00]: We've been his friend.

46:08.368 --> 46:10.591
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, does Isaac experience friendship?

46:11.232 --> 46:12.393
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no.

46:12.633 --> 46:13.795
[SPEAKER_01]: He mad at his

46:14.197 --> 46:19.024
[SPEAKER_01]: his best friend is his sister, for sure, Erica, one of my daughter's.

46:20.447 --> 46:32.225
[SPEAKER_01]: But you know, that's a sibling, that's, that's, and I don't want to discount that because they have an amazing relationship and I'm really grateful for who she is and she told me about her multiple ways.

46:32.245 --> 46:34.749
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

46:34.869 --> 46:42.921
[SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, how they relate to one another is it's, it's a friendship and

46:43.137 --> 46:47.481
[SPEAKER_01]: and they do movie lines and they just, they almost have their own language.

46:47.521 --> 46:54.207
[SPEAKER_01]: It kind of like twins, you know, they start doing movie lines and they're just peppering what another back and forth and I'm like, what movie are you talking about?

46:54.408 --> 46:55.409
[SPEAKER_01]: What is that from?

46:55.989 --> 47:02.235
[SPEAKER_01]: But they get it and it's beautiful to see into watch.

47:02.655 --> 47:09.702
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, it's I have at times felt that sadness and that

47:10.070 --> 47:11.892
[SPEAKER_01]: almost a desperate status.

47:12.693 --> 47:26.168
[SPEAKER_01]: It'd be cool if Isaac could have some friends, you know, but he doesn't really have the tools to even take so much time for a friend to get to know him.

47:26.188 --> 47:32.835
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it just be around one another and not even really be communicating directly because I think it's uncomfortable with that.

47:33.356 --> 47:34.637
[SPEAKER_01]: Your strangers typically.

47:35.158 --> 47:38.862
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's not one of those things

47:39.550 --> 47:44.876
[SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, that makes me sad, but then I've been betrayed by some friends in the past like maybe that's a good thing.

47:44.976 --> 47:50.583
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, people can just appoint you.

47:50.603 --> 47:51.264
[SPEAKER_01]: That's for sure.

47:51.725 --> 47:52.726
[SPEAKER_00]: I sure can.

47:52.766 --> 47:53.887
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, they can.

47:53.907 --> 47:54.448
[SPEAKER_00]: That's true.

47:56.811 --> 47:57.231
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

47:58.052 --> 48:03.118
[SPEAKER_00]: We had some guests on the last podcast that we did.

48:03.178 --> 48:08.865
[SPEAKER_00]: I was just too bad where they probably have them back on here.

48:10.786 --> 48:38.667
[SPEAKER_00]: build bridges and relationships amongst those that are neurodivergent and so they have outings and things like that and in some cases real relationships develop you know romantically speaking or otherwise and they're young adults and I always it's so funny too because I always say like the biggest challenge for any parent is to strike a balance between giving your child fish and teaching in the fish and the same thing you know again

48:39.440 --> 48:41.682
[SPEAKER_00]: 10 times more important when you had the care given component.

48:42.343 --> 48:53.575
[SPEAKER_00]: But then what it comes to the friendships and the relationships, you kind of want to just let them find their way and, you know, because things mean a lot more, I have more value when they do it on their own.

48:55.617 --> 48:59.321
[SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, you're kind of like, you're kind of guarded, you know?

48:59.861 --> 49:01.844
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I'll be honest, I think we may have talked about this before.

49:02.264 --> 49:03.565
[SPEAKER_00]: We're working on trying to change that.

49:04.406 --> 49:08.991
[SPEAKER_00]: And somebody's gonna listen and say,

49:09.697 --> 49:12.600
[SPEAKER_00]: How dare you, but why shouldn't it not tie shoes?

49:13.021 --> 49:14.682
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not his fault, you know?

49:15.303 --> 49:20.189
[SPEAKER_00]: It's easier to tie them for him or have him have shoes that don't necessarily need that.

49:22.071 --> 49:24.653
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you know, you know, you're not looking for his shoes.

49:25.094 --> 49:28.177
[SPEAKER_00]: Those are you that are looking on the YouTube channel where he's just put his thumbs up.

49:28.197 --> 49:28.498
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

49:30.079 --> 49:32.943
[SPEAKER_00]: But I wanted to be able to do that.

49:33.143 --> 49:38.809
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that once he tells us he'll like,

49:39.818 --> 49:41.500
[SPEAKER_00]: always like, get out of the way, let me do it.

49:42.322 --> 49:42.822
[SPEAKER_00]: It depends.

49:43.564 --> 49:55.441
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know if it's fortunately unfortunate, but just factually, the things for which he's very dependent, we've created that, you know, you know.

49:55.501 --> 50:02.231
[SPEAKER_00]: So, but like for instance, we discovered that he Lake coffee when he was way too young to drink it.

50:02.331 --> 50:07.699
[SPEAKER_00]: Like he could barely walk and Laura had a

50:08.253 --> 50:14.280
[SPEAKER_00]: barely able to walk and he just walked into it, grabbed it and nobody was looking you turn around you see him putting it back at the cup was empty.

50:15.522 --> 50:20.268
[SPEAKER_00]: That's like okay, that's our Charlie loves coffee, you're not drinking that and so he didn't free years.

50:21.129 --> 50:22.931
[SPEAKER_00]: Now as I am going to dope, he does.

50:23.692 --> 50:34.665
[SPEAKER_00]: But he doesn't make his coffee in the morning and I'm putting myself out there because part of me is kind of like, you know, especially share my diagnosis, I'm kind of like, I go back and forth

50:35.168 --> 50:37.011
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to let them know that they're not alone.

50:37.512 --> 50:41.758
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to touch them by being vulnerable and bearing my soul.

50:41.818 --> 50:43.801
[SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, you're thinking...

50:45.423 --> 50:49.630
[SPEAKER_00]: Wait a minute, somebody might judge me in life or be like, wait a minute, what is wrong with that fool?

50:49.750 --> 50:50.671
[SPEAKER_00]: You have no idea.

50:51.312 --> 50:52.674
[SPEAKER_00]: But he...

50:53.916 --> 50:55.378
[SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't make his own coffee though.

50:55.418 --> 50:58.543
[SPEAKER_00]: And we do use cakeups, try to be ecologically...

50:59.165 --> 51:27.400
[SPEAKER_00]: you know responsible whatever but he's capable of doing that and so what we're doing is like taking these steps whereas okay you will begin this part and eventually get to that part you're going to come down and you're going to help as opposed to just serving it because like need to say it but we've done a fair amount of that you know and anybody yeah so well I'm sorry I want to stop you what parent has it right even with neurotypical kids right

51:28.055 --> 51:31.200
[SPEAKER_01]: There are so many battles that we have to fight as parents, right?

51:31.280 --> 51:35.746
[SPEAKER_01]: There are just so many things that, you know, like, even clean enough.

51:35.786 --> 51:42.416
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes I want to make my kid do it, but then I got a freaking supervised them because they do it half ass, excuse my language.

51:42.897 --> 51:45.561
[SPEAKER_01]: They do it half ass, they don't have to come back and do it behind them, right?

51:45.581 --> 51:49.026
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a physical point inside, because I'll be like, I'm going to put it.

51:49.046 --> 51:49.787
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I'm not going to do it.

51:49.927 --> 51:51.069
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to.

51:51.089 --> 51:55.395
[SPEAKER_01]: So sometimes it's just easier to do it, right?

51:55.628 --> 52:02.677
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you step into the world of none neurotypical kids, there are so many more battles.

52:03.217 --> 52:09.746
[SPEAKER_01]: And I want to be mindful of parents out there who are caregivers who have kids with some form of disability.

52:10.366 --> 52:12.409
[SPEAKER_01]: Please do not ever feel guilty.

52:12.529 --> 52:14.972
[SPEAKER_01]: There is a lot on our plates.

52:15.773 --> 52:16.915
[SPEAKER_01]: We have to pick our battles.

52:18.276 --> 52:20.539
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, my son doesn't tie issues in his 23.

52:21.042 --> 52:21.322
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

52:21.763 --> 52:30.892
[SPEAKER_01]: He just, he's, he's learned how to slip his shoes on and I've learned how to not be upset about the fact that the back of the shoe gets all bent up from him putting his, you know, because I was a secret guy.

52:30.932 --> 52:33.654
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, Yeah, he's doing that right.

52:33.695 --> 52:33.955
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

52:34.736 --> 52:36.357
[SPEAKER_01]: So, but I've let that go.

52:36.377 --> 52:36.798
[SPEAKER_01]: It's fine.

52:36.838 --> 52:38.019
[SPEAKER_01]: It's his sneakers not mine.

52:38.159 --> 52:38.359
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

52:39.460 --> 52:41.622
[SPEAKER_01]: And so he slips any dozen times.

52:41.642 --> 52:44.445
[SPEAKER_01]: It's somebody wants to throw some in the comment.

52:44.625 --> 52:45.306
[SPEAKER_01]: Good luck on you.

52:45.326 --> 52:46.047
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm never going to read it.

52:47.108 --> 52:48.349
[SPEAKER_01]: And if I do, I won't care.

52:48.582 --> 53:00.820
[SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, you ask a who cares, I do not care about that, because I know the love and the effort I've put into my kids and I'm sure so many parents who are listening to this to love and the effort you've put into your kids.

53:01.101 --> 53:02.843
[SPEAKER_01]: They're only so many battles you could fight.

53:02.863 --> 53:06.068
[SPEAKER_01]: There's only you have so much, but you don't have so much energy to

53:07.820 --> 53:10.124
[SPEAKER_01]: get sort of things done, right?

53:10.344 --> 53:12.688
[SPEAKER_01]: And so give yourself grace.

53:13.108 --> 53:29.233
[SPEAKER_01]: Some of my listening doesn't understand, please extend grace to those who who need it because there are, we could probably spend five shows listing all the battles that parents of non-neurotypical kids have to fight.

53:29.273 --> 53:32.458
[SPEAKER_01]: That parents of neurotypical kids don't have to fight.

53:33.139 --> 53:34.401
[SPEAKER_01]: And so,

53:35.900 --> 53:41.868
[SPEAKER_01]: When I think about what my son can't do versus what he can do, I have seen him progress in so many ways.

53:42.389 --> 53:43.671
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm so grateful for that.

53:44.332 --> 53:47.276
[SPEAKER_01]: And if he can't tie his shoes, I don't give a grip.

53:47.897 --> 53:51.402
[SPEAKER_01]: And somebody thinks that well, you're about, I don't give a grip.

53:51.422 --> 53:52.363
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll just do that way.

53:52.704 --> 53:54.085
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's honesty.

53:54.366 --> 54:00.014
[SPEAKER_01]: I could care less what you think about my son not being able to tie his shoes.

54:00.034 --> 54:00.895
[SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about

54:01.482 --> 54:04.285
[SPEAKER_00]: The episode being titled, who can't hear us?

54:04.305 --> 54:08.489
[SPEAKER_00]: Say, hey, he's in, and that's what the series is going to be.

54:08.530 --> 54:10.992
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll come back to do other episodes on the topic.

54:11.653 --> 54:27.810
[SPEAKER_00]: But we know of the immeasurable value in caring, but there's also immeasurable value in not caring if it's the right thing that you're not caring for, because, you know, or caring about, you know, when it comes to

54:28.195 --> 54:51.960
[SPEAKER_00]: opinions of others, like for instance, in the personal development space, there's several things I've heard, which is, you know, if a person is not paying your rent or affecting your income or paying your mortgage, then who cares what they think about you, and there's another one that says, your opinion of me isn't that of my business, you know, and that's, that's when it comes right now to it, that's true.

54:52.060 --> 54:54.523
[SPEAKER_00]: And as a caregiver, you need to really like,

54:55.128 --> 55:04.337
[SPEAKER_00]: take your ammunition, your care ammunition, and load it into the right gun to have it pointed at the right target.

55:04.497 --> 55:07.039
[SPEAKER_00]: Some of them really don't deserve your time.

55:07.640 --> 55:09.742
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's a difficult thing to adjust to also.

55:09.782 --> 55:19.711
[SPEAKER_00]: We could spend a whole episode on that, especially for someone who's raised in a household where one of if not both of the parents have a very what if the neighbor's going to think kind of mentality.

55:19.992 --> 55:22.654
[SPEAKER_00]: Because when that happens, as I don't more than

55:23.360 --> 55:24.863
[SPEAKER_00]: one person in that situation.

55:24.883 --> 55:25.625
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure we all do.

55:26.146 --> 55:29.453
[SPEAKER_00]: And people who haven't gotten over that carry a whole lot.

55:29.834 --> 55:42.280
[SPEAKER_00]: And unlike not unlike everything else, it matters to the neurotypical, but then in our community, it matters ten times more so that you don't

55:42.580 --> 55:50.291
[SPEAKER_00]: put your care in the wrong basket so it's being, you know, that's something that everybody has to really stop and think about.

55:52.234 --> 56:08.858
[SPEAKER_00]: Where would you say you are with regard to the, the masking that you, you know, that you've mentioned that you, that you, you've, you've done and you've gotten to a point where your, your care gun is

56:09.800 --> 56:10.721
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, yeah.

56:10.961 --> 56:12.383
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'll give you an example.

56:12.703 --> 56:18.110
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, I had an organization or a recruiting organization reached out to me.

56:18.551 --> 56:22.916
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, you know, about an opportunity they wanted to talk to me about, right?

56:23.877 --> 56:30.064
[SPEAKER_01]: And, um, I have become very comfortable in who I am and my skill set and all that stuff.

56:30.084 --> 56:38.895
[SPEAKER_01]: So, I debated should have put on a jacket and, you know, uh, nice button down shirt and the

56:40.006 --> 56:50.641
[SPEAKER_01]: Uh, and maybe it's just a gift to get an older, maybe that's just bought, right, can't do that in your 30s, but yeah, by the time you're early 60s, I can do that.

56:51.843 --> 56:53.345
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's like, it's about me.

56:53.385 --> 56:54.606
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not about what I'm wearing.

56:54.807 --> 56:57.731
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not it's not it's not about that, right.

56:59.313 --> 57:02.217
[SPEAKER_01]: So, um, I would say,

57:03.597 --> 57:16.571
[SPEAKER_01]: I think we're ever in that process because like to say, if you stay curious about yourself and you're asking the questions about why you do the things you do, I think it continues to uncover weaknesses and false beliefs that we have.

57:18.172 --> 57:28.423
[SPEAKER_01]: So I would say I've progressed in that word world of removing masking for my life, but it's still there in various forms.

57:28.792 --> 57:34.700
[SPEAKER_01]: But what I think about career wise, because I think that's what I focused on in the conversation.

57:34.720 --> 57:45.075
[SPEAKER_01]: Today, I mean, speaking the way I speak, and now I do still do coats switching occasionally, my wife will go, where did that come from?

57:45.295 --> 57:46.977
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, talk to somebody black, right?

57:46.997 --> 57:48.079
[SPEAKER_01]: She's like, where did that come from?

57:48.099 --> 57:50.082
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I don't know, it's just happened, right?

57:50.222 --> 57:52.605
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, I don't need to accept as that.

57:53.041 --> 57:56.006
[SPEAKER_00]: I always think the code switching is a conscious thing, right?

57:56.387 --> 57:59.292
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, well, it's not conscious.

57:59.312 --> 58:04.300
[SPEAKER_00]: I almost feel like it's not code switching because you're not, like, let me speak how they will relate.

58:04.320 --> 58:09.329
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just like, yeah, instant, like the key in the key is a key in peel or peel and key.

58:10.030 --> 58:16.300
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, yeah, yeah, key in peel, skip about Obama, which was real, which he's meaningful.

58:16.360 --> 58:19.065
[SPEAKER_00]: He's being a Terry's and very formal with the white ones and

58:19.501 --> 58:21.363
[SPEAKER_00]: What's your unique pleasure to meet you, you know?

58:21.984 --> 58:22.224
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.

58:22.244 --> 58:23.706
[SPEAKER_00]: The afternoon, my octoroon.

58:26.510 --> 58:27.571
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

58:27.651 --> 58:28.692
[SPEAKER_00]: But just truth to that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I think what that is is just, if you have a certain amount of fluidity, you speak kind of as spoken to.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And that's a matter of connection.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's how I look at it, you know.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If you're speaking in a matter that just, you know,

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[SPEAKER_00]: and his sister might not.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They talked about some guy that they grew up with, not because of his birth name, but they grew up with this guy where they're from in the Midwest, and he's known as his last name as savage.

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[SPEAKER_00]: He went to school, and I guess he was college doing something where, you know, liberal arts, and they read it to somebody that knew him.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And they said, oh, do you know someone so savage?

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[SPEAKER_02]: And they were like, you mean savage?

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm going to give you an example of masking right now.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I associate physical ailments with weakness, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And and now they're, I have consciously said, I'm not going to care about that today.

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[SPEAKER_01]: turn off my camera and then wipe my eyes and it's like so I'm learning you know now if this was two years ago I probably put the camera off real quick that my eyes put the camera back on nobody would know but you know it's a process right it's a process of learning how to walk in the freedom of who you are.

01:00:13.728 --> 01:00:19.896
[SPEAKER_01]: who are where you are and people can accept it or not, like you said, when they accept it or not, that's their business that way.

01:00:20.096 --> 01:00:21.598
[SPEAKER_00]: So, yeah, there you go.

01:00:21.618 --> 01:00:31.812
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's something that you hope any and everybody can get to, you know, certainty about who you are, like I like what I say is most of us go through life for our mirror is very, very foggy.

01:00:32.352 --> 01:00:42.165
[SPEAKER_00]: Never stop trying to clean your mirror, never stop trying to raise your consciousness, never stop trying to find out who you are, because wherever you think you are,

01:00:42.837 --> 01:00:46.601
[SPEAKER_00]: You have an idea, but there's a gap between what you think you see and what's really there.

01:00:46.842 --> 01:00:52.548
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, but our time is run out as it always does when we're having a great time.

01:00:53.009 --> 01:00:54.310
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much Maurice.

01:00:54.450 --> 01:00:57.975
[SPEAKER_00]: I am, I just feel blessed to have this platform to be able to do this.

01:00:58.035 --> 01:00:59.356
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like we're just getting started.

01:00:59.797 --> 01:01:02.600
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we have some great guests lined up.

01:01:02.760 --> 01:01:07.005
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, I want to thank our partners at Billy Footwear.

01:01:07.542 --> 01:01:19.174
[SPEAKER_00]: you can click on the link in the show notes to get 10% off your final purchase and you will also see the link for our men's group that then I feel like I'm limiting it by calling it a men's group it's so much more than that.

01:01:20.455 --> 01:01:34.570
[SPEAKER_00]: But please feel free to join us and try and be a little more curious ask more questions, make less statements, everybody within the side of my voice thank you for supporting us and let's try and love each other.

01:01:35.310 --> 01:01:36.992
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for another episode of Beyond The Spectrum.