June 17, 2026
RELATIONSHIPS & CAREGIVING, PART 2
RELATIONSHIPS & CAREGIVING, PART 2
THE VERSION OF YOU THAT GOT HURT STILL NEEDS HEALING
Many caregivers spend so much time tending to the needs of others that they lose touch with the parts of themselves that were wounded long before caregiving began.
In Part 2 of our Relationships & Caregiving series, we continue the conversation about the most important relationship we will ever have—the relationship with ourselves.
This episode explores how unresolved pain, childhood experiences, disappointments, losses, and unmet needs can quietly shape the way we care for others and the way we care for ourselves. Healing isn't about living in the past. It's about acknowledging the parts of ourselves that still need compassion, understanding, and attention.
Whether you're a caregiver, parent, professional, advocate, or someone simply trying to become a healthier version of yourself, this conversation offers an invitation to reflect, heal, and grow.
Because the version of you that got hurt still matters.
And healing is not weakness. It's courage.
IN THIS EPISODE
• Why self-relationship is the foundation of every other relationship
• How unhealed wounds can impact caregiving, parenting, and personal connections
• The difference between functioning and healing
• Why many caregivers struggle to prioritize themselves
• Practical reflections for developing greater self-compassion
• How healing yourself benefits the people you care for most
WHO THIS EPISODE IS FOR
• Family caregivers
• Parents of children with disabilities
• Adults on the autism spectrum
• Professionals in helping professions
• Special education professionals
• Mental health advocates
• Anyone working through personal growth and healing
JOIN THE CONVERSATION
What part of yourself deserves more compassion right now?
Share your thoughts in the comments below. Your story may help someone else feel less alone.
If this episode resonated with you, please like, comment, subscribe, and share it with someone who may need to hear this message.
SUPPORT THE SHOW & EXPERIENCE UNIVERSAL DESIGN
We are proud to partner with BILLY Footwear, a brand that truly embodies the spirit of Beyond the Spectrum.
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Unique flavors include Coco Mango, Banana Pudding, Sweet Potato Casserole, and Purple Grain—a tribute to Minneapolis music legend Prince.
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Use promo code BTS10 to receive 10% OFF your purchase.
JOIN THE DEN: MEN'S SUPPORT GROUP
The Den is a dedicated space where men can find community, share experiences, build meaningful connections, and navigate life's challenges together.
Register for our next meeting:
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ABOUT BEYOND THE SPECTRUM
Beyond the Spectrum: Every Age, Every Need explores autism, disability, caregiving, advocacy, personal growth, and the human experiences that connect us all.
Through honest conversations and practical insights, we seek to support individuals, families, professionals, and communities across the lifespan.
#BeyondTheSpectrum #Caregiving #SelfCare #MentalHealth #PersonalGrowth #AutismAwareness #DisabilityCommunity #RelationshipsAndCaregiving #Healing #CaregiverSupport
WEBVTT
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[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Beyond the Spectrum, every age, every knee.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I am Sean Francis, and today, this is a solo venture and the only one hosting it a day.
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[SPEAKER_00]: As you know, from time to time, I'm joined by my fellow caregivers and warriors Maurice McDavid and Susanna Peace LaVelle.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And what we're in the middle of now is a series,
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[SPEAKER_00]: that we've put together entitled Caregiving and Relationships.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we will be covering relationships are everything and everything is relationships.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Anything that matters to the general public matters, to those of us who are parents or caregivers to someone with a disability or the elderly, whatever that case might be, 10 times more so.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And relationships are no exception.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So what we'll be covering in this series
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[SPEAKER_00]: relationships with the people we love, relationships with money, relationships with being greater than ourselves.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We don't want to call it religion or spirituality.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's broader than that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And a variety of other things, but where all begins, I think, is our relationship with ourselves.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I have, you know, been going through a lot of self-discovery myself.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so,
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sharing from that perspective.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And for some of these other topics, we're also going to include our relationship with food, nutrition, all those different things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to have people from different industries that will support those things that will be in from time to time.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I think the topic is so vast and great that, they don't necessarily get covered in just one sitting.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why here we are today,
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[SPEAKER_00]: in a part two of relationship with oneself.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But we're going to jump right into it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for joining us on another episode of Beyond The Spectrum.
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[SPEAKER_00]: All right, let's get right to it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Before we do that, let's thank our community partners, Billy Footwear.
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[SPEAKER_00]: They are the makers of adaptive footwear for all.
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[SPEAKER_00]: The Founder Billy Price is a walking testament in story to greatness and perseverance.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He suffered a catastrophic injury, the first week of his freshman year in college, and was paralyzed as a result of that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Learn how to do everything for myself all over again with the exception of putting shoes on a prototype was created and Billy footwear was born and since then they have sold over a million pairs of shoes and touch countless lines if you click on the link in the show notes you will get 10% off of your final purchase and that includes when they have sales that are taking place with you usually do as we go in and out of seasons they're an amazing company with a great quality product and part of a great cost.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We also want to thank our community partner, soul, grain, granola.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Now, when you hear that, you may think, okay, it's a company that makes granola.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But they make it with all natural ingredients, and they have some amazing flavors.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we are honored to be
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[SPEAKER_00]: business with them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If you look in the show notes, you'll find your discount code, which is B as in Boy, T is in Tom S as in Sam, the number 10.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So that's BTS 10.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that will get you 10% off your final purchase from Soul Green.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So let's get into it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about relationships with
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I think at least for me, a lot of this is just from my own experience.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Those of you that have been following the show for a while, I may know that I am primarily a financial services professional and, you know, I help businesses and individuals and families with things from life insurance, short and long-term savings, estate planning,
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[SPEAKER_00]: tax issues, there's a wide plate of things that that we provide.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I've been thinking about my journey in that industry.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when I realize that if families with newer typical children need to plan for our time when they exist only in memory, then it's twice as important for those of us who are caregivers.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We lost an initiative to build a bridge between financial service literacy and opportunity and the special needs community, my good from Brian Altunian and I, I'm in doing that for a while and he hosted the previous podcast with me just to that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I was thinking of my entire time in that profession, September will make it 20 years and I feel like everything that I've
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[SPEAKER_00]: There's so many things, generally speaking, but especially in that industry and in my work, that are so crystal clear to me now that we're not before.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And the same thing is transpired in other areas of my life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And what I've found is that,
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not necessarily discovering new things, but I'm discovering new things and at the same time, possessed with an overwhelming feeling that I knew all along, that which I'm learning right now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm also learning how to describe that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So the relationship we have with ourselves is everything to do with who we are, who we become, and who we may evolve into being.
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[SPEAKER_00]: All those things play a role in how we react to getting the title of caregiver.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes you don't even realize that that's what you are.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If you're a parent and you have a child
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[SPEAKER_00]: the way that you respond is dictated by your experience.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But for the most part, what you're thinking is, all right, let's just jump right into this and let's, you know, what do we do?
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[SPEAKER_00]: How do we how do we face this?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so for my wife and I, we were each raised differently.
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[SPEAKER_00]: the ways in which we were raised that are similar is that you simply take care of your responsibilities, but the way in which we deal with it is different in that my wife is very, okay, what do we need to do?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Head down, go make it happen.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm more that way now, but,
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[SPEAKER_00]: I used to sit back and be maybe a little more analytical about things and overthink things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm still dealing with the fact that I do overthink things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I have noted that part of my own journey consists of a recent diagnosis of ADHD and what it does is it has allowed me to understand what my
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[SPEAKER_00]: language is, the manner in which I process things, the manner in which I communicate.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And the quest to seek out what I thought was to seek out the diagnosis that I thought was there all along.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That began with this deep look within.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that's where I continue to have these revelations.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But what I was getting to is that I feel that a lot of what I'm
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[SPEAKER_00]: discovering now and learning are things that were there all along and the biggest thing I'm trying to do is figure out how to articulate that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: The way it's helped me is that it allows me to give other people grace because I don't know where they are in their journey.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I have no idea.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Those things apply to a person generally speaking.
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[SPEAKER_00]: When you add the care given component, then things get really, really interesting.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And each situation is different.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So you may become a caregiver later in life because you are now caring for an elderly parent.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Your children have been neurotypical.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And you're a caregiving journey has been limited to the normal,
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[SPEAKER_00]: quote unquote normal path of parenting and and and that's it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So maybe you're on a new journey as a result of caring for an elderly love one or a parent.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're a first time parent and you have a child that is only a couple years old and there's a diagnosis that is new and you're dealing with it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That way for some of you you're doing that as a
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[SPEAKER_00]: couple and you have a significant other that is in this fight with you as I am blessed to be with my wife of 21 years.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Or you might be someone who is a single parent, maybe you're single from the very beginning, from most of your child's life, or you might be someone for whom being a caregiver has
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[SPEAKER_00]: really tested your marriage and the marriage itself did not survive because as we know, the divorce rate within the special needs community is higher than it is elsewhere.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But wherever you might be, your relationship with yourself is, I think, the most important.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, there's so many quote and quote experts and influencers all across social media in a bunch of different areas, nutrition, fitness, finance, general personal development,
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[SPEAKER_00]: The one thing I think, the one thing that I, that appeals to me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: always is when someone takes a very pragmatic approach and they simply share what they know as opposed to telling people, here's what you should never do and you should always do this, always do that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So as a result of that, even when it comes to my opinion on money matters, given my experience, which is a little unique 20 years in financial services as a professional
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[SPEAKER_00]: I still feel that there's so much value and never allowing yourself to fully embrace the title of expert, because the next word is someone who doesn't really have anything else to learn, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: But if I can share with you, here's what I've learned, here's how it helped me, maybe it can help you as well.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's the approach that I'm taking with that I do with anything that I have to share, but especially when it comes to the discovery and journey of self.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to bleed into our other area with which is your relationship with God creation, the universe of spirituality, however you choose to define it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I do believe in a spiritual sense, at least for me, it has been that when I sit in silence, I find that most of the answers that I'm seeking, either come to me, reveal themselves,
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[SPEAKER_00]: Possessed with that feeling that I kind of I knew all along.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, there are those things you discovered feel like I had no idea what's been really fascinating for me on this journey is that many things that I've taken place.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I find myself just feeling like I knew that all along and if I knew all along, why did it not reveal itself a little later on and down.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Here's what I mean with some of those things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think I mentioned that in previous episodes, my curiosity about myself began with the conversations that have taken place on this podcast and when we did just two dads with different therapists and other professionals that we spoken with in the caregiving space.
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[SPEAKER_00]: and between that and observing things that my son does in terms of his behavior as a result of being in the autism spectrum.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And some of the very things that try my patients are things that I, although to a lower, lesser extent, do as well.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so it made it,
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, which is the best way to say this.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It made me stop to think, you know, I wonder what kind of link there is that between myself and autism and any kind of neurodivergence.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so, you know, I made the appointments that I needed to be think between psychiatrists and therapists and we got to that point.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But in beginning that, you know, I've continued to find, again, this just this,
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna open this.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna, I'm hoping that I'm making sense in adding value here today because like I said, I'm working through my language as to how to express these things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But it's been a wonderful experience.
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[SPEAKER_00]: The one thing I've completely embraced is that, you know, when I met my wife, I thought after we began dating, I was like, why could I have met her years ago?
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I had a conversation with someone recently.
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[SPEAKER_00]: who has a son that is, I think he may be 10 years old.
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[SPEAKER_00]: This is something that became a son of a father, excuse me, a parent later in life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And he talked about wondering why he couldn't have become a parent earlier in life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I thought the same thing as well.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I realized that when I think of who I was,
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[SPEAKER_00]: and let's say my 20s because I enjoy the rule of husband and father so much that the question comes about why couldn't I have met my wife years ago?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Why couldn't I have become a father years ago?
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm in good shape for my age and everything and I can still, you know, I can throw a ball and run around with my son.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He's not a toddler.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He's 20 years old.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So we've had those bonding times were able to pick him up and sort of, you know, rough house and
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[SPEAKER_00]: play in that kind of thing, but I've enjoyed it so much that it's become natural to at some point, wonder, man, I sure wish I had more years of this and you know, why didn't this happen when I was younger?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Why did I, why did I have to go through relationships that I did before meeting my wife?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Why did that have to take place?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And the one thing
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[SPEAKER_00]: for one thing, I never would say that I was a bad person or anything like that, but I wouldn't be able to do with fatherhood or as good a job as I think I do with that or marriage in my 20s being who I was then.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I was just, I was a mess in a lot of different ways.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Just very uncertain of a whole lot of things, but my uncertainty has never been one that has caused me to hang my head down in shame and it was never like self-loathing or anything.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But if you were calling me talking about my journey, I mentioned two things leading up to my own diagnosis, which was just before that, I looked in the mirror one day
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[SPEAKER_00]: I had two things that took place at the same time, or a markable clarity about who I was looking at in a connection.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And at the same time, I acknowledged that prior to that seeing that connection, I had a disconnect from the person that I saw in the mirror before.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't know how to explain that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And as I sit here, I'm sure in this as I'm discovering it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think when you think of someone that has low self-esteem, you think of someone that does, in fact, hold their head down and maybe they're a shame.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And there is self-loating.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I don't think you have to have full-on self-loating in order to have a lack of self-esteem.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I looked at myself in the mirror today.
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[SPEAKER_00]: getting dressed and I looked and I obviously hit me and I had a clear definition of the gap or the disconnect that I had previously what happened is I look in the mirror and I would think that the person in the mirror was I don't know let's say.
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[SPEAKER_00]: This sounds strange, but better looking than I felt.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I want to say better looking.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't necessarily just mean, that's a handsome man.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't feel like a handsome man.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's more than just being a good looking individual, sort of speak.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's just something that I don't know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Just put it this way.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I would feel like I didn't.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't feel as good as I thought I looked if that makes sense.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So much so to the point that you know it's almost like who is that and that's kind of weird and it's very, very, very, very subtle, very subtle.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But those things I think play a role in your everyday life and how you see yourself.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I think from me where it's stemmed from, I think I mentioned this before, you know, I was always challenged academically, but never thought too lack intelligence, which I know from my parents was just a huge problem.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And, man, I don't know how they did what they did, you know, my dad would say, I'd be like, how did you just not give up?
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, because I had tutors, I had all kind of, I was never in special education, but I had tutors outside of school.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I would have my teachers that would tutor me as well.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I just could not focus.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I remember feeling like I was going to just combust when I was sitting in a classroom, especially if I had to take a test.
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[SPEAKER_00]: When I began taking the test and I'm sitting at just wanted to end, I just wanted to be over to the point where to be really honest, the lots of times I would, all right, if I have to sit and take this test, I'm just going to guess, guess, guess, guess, guess, guess.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and then every now and then when I get good grades, like I might have stated before my father would say, you could get these grades all the time if you would just try because you're smart enough, but there was just never a connect.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I think what got me the most was
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[SPEAKER_00]: as honest as, you know, they are.
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[SPEAKER_00]: When a teacher calls on you, you don't know the answer and everybody laughs, that we're kind of, I think that stayed with me for years.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't have anybody necessarily point and laugh.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, outside of that given moment, I like I got mocked and teased, but it was just enough and it carried over into, man, so many other things that I did in life and I just had it,
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[SPEAKER_00]: all wrong.
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[SPEAKER_00]: My parents did everything they could to try and figure out why there was a disconnect there.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But the way that I perceived it is what is just so messed up.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think most of us go through life with our mirror very cloudy.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, one of the best things you could ever do is just work on a daily basis to clean that mirror to see yourself who you who you really are.
20:38.595 --> 20:38.975
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think
20:42.350 --> 20:54.345
[SPEAKER_00]: digging within whether you're going to sit in silence and meditate in some way, shape, perform, or just start paying attention to yourself.
20:54.425 --> 20:59.211
[SPEAKER_00]: I've said before, you know, so much living is done on autopilot.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's done.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Instinctively, we don't even think about what we think about when you're given day, when you go someplace, when you go to work, come home, if you have a job that you physically go to, we don't think about the drive on the way home because it's one that we drive every day, maybe even to your favorite grocery store or something like that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: not at its height and so the answer to that I think for me anyway is to live life as intentional as one possibly can.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Those things
21:38.946 --> 21:45.751
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, carry weight for the general population, but those of us who are caregivers, that becomes twice as important to do.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Twice is important.
21:47.492 --> 21:53.016
[SPEAKER_00]: So what I can do is I'll share a little bit about what I'm doing and what I'm going through.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't mention at the top of the show.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We also have our men's group known as the DIN, which is a support group for men who are caregivers.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And,
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[SPEAKER_00]: We had a conversation this past week in our most recent call.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We meet every, you know, the link is in the show notes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's free of charge.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We have members from as far as ways Mexico City, New York, California, where I am, Atlanta and in between.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I shared with that group sort of a,
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[SPEAKER_00]: a realization that I had come to, which I'll share with you before we, uh, at some point here today before we wrap up, but this whole journey of this self-discovery, you know, getting older, growing is just such a beautiful and wonderful gift and not everybody gets to do that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Um, so I'm thankful to, to simply be here, but generally speaking,
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[SPEAKER_00]: that matters and carries weight, and it especially does, again, when you're a caregiver.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so one of our first responsibility, one of our first responsibilities, generally speaking, is to foster,
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[SPEAKER_00]: work on and develop a good relationship with ourselves.
23:17.453 --> 23:24.037
[SPEAKER_00]: When we think of our relationship with ourselves, the deepest most of us probably go with that is what do you think of yourself?
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[SPEAKER_00]: How do you see yourself?
23:26.479 --> 23:32.803
[SPEAKER_00]: And those things matter is just as important to ask, you know, what do you think of yourself?
23:33.743 --> 23:34.704
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you see yourself?
23:35.505 --> 23:36.765
[SPEAKER_00]: How would you describe yourself?
23:37.866 --> 23:41.208
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think it's worthwhile to ask yourself that question perpetually
23:44.094 --> 23:54.436
[SPEAKER_00]: One of the ways that I think we avoid just taking a room on the planet and making the best out of our visit here on Earth because it is a visit tomorrow's a number of things, but a promise is not one of them.
23:55.236 --> 24:12.380
[SPEAKER_00]: One of the things that have served me best is to continually ask that question, because the answer should over time evolve just as we do, which is why I used to ask on the other show, I'm just too dad, I'd close it by asking someone you don't give,
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[SPEAKER_00]: one thought or belief that you once believed to be true, but no longer believed to be true.
24:20.799 --> 24:34.824
[SPEAKER_00]: And your answer to that question has a lot to do with how you spend your time here, how you live the life that you have, and
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, go back to my thought before about just sharing, here's what's worked for me.
24:41.323 --> 24:43.686
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's what I've done.
24:43.846 --> 24:46.850
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me share that as opposed to an expert telling you just what you need to do.
24:46.970 --> 24:48.873
[SPEAKER_00]: There are some things that are, you know,
24:51.250 --> 24:58.036
[SPEAKER_00]: I guess non-negotiable, but you get at least address those things as being non-negotiable for you.
24:59.858 --> 25:06.043
[SPEAKER_00]: What is non-negotiable for me is remaining today, who I was yesterday.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that I don't think those people realize how much work that takes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's been a lifelong journey for me to do that and just continue to
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[SPEAKER_00]: be a better person, generally speaking, but back to my point, the relationship with ourselves is our first responsibility because it has everything to do with how we handle the responsibility of being a parent to a
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[SPEAKER_00]: child and actual child or a young adult or being a caregiver to that individual or being a caregiver to an elderly parent who needs us there.
25:43.366 --> 25:45.307
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just a different level of care.
25:45.327 --> 25:53.534
[SPEAKER_00]: And those things become twice as important if you have a limited level of support around you as well.
25:53.854 --> 25:59.739
[SPEAKER_00]: Especially if you're then single, your responsibility to yourself is it's
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's just huge.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And if I must have almost looking for words to, I don't know, not looking for words, but trying to wrap my head around,
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[SPEAKER_00]: what I'm trying to say because I think it is just, it's so big, it's so huge, I think it is that it's everything.
26:20.788 --> 26:35.736
[SPEAKER_00]: Relationships generally speaking, but especially our relationship with ourselves, and it is so embedded in us and so part of our subconscious that we don't really, I think there's a lot of it that we're not aware of.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Put it this way.
26:36.636 --> 26:37.417
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I have
26:38.703 --> 26:45.528
[SPEAKER_00]: more self-awareness than the average person and I'm nowhere in your satisfied with the level of self-awareness that I do have.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I think the level of self-awareness that I possess, the level of self-awareness that I seek is just as if not more important.
26:56.156 --> 27:03.822
[SPEAKER_00]: And despite all of that, and that being the case for years, I'm continually finding out things about myself that
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[SPEAKER_00]: I either didn't know or I'm realizing that, oh my gosh, that was there.
27:10.424 --> 27:14.125
[SPEAKER_00]: All along, I didn't realize that I thought that.
27:14.645 --> 27:23.686
[SPEAKER_00]: So there's a book by a gentleman by the name of Dr. Shad Houndsteader called, what to say when talking to yourself?
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think I had it here on my shelf.
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[UNKNOWN]: What to say?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's actually what to say when you talk to yourself.
27:39.154 --> 27:45.257
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, most of us talk to ourselves without thinking about what it is that we're seeing.
27:45.277 --> 27:46.878
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why affirmations are so important.
27:47.498 --> 27:58.803
[SPEAKER_00]: There seems to be a little bit of a renaissance taking place with regard to, with the release of the Michael Jackson movie, with regard to not so much,
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, his talent and his art history, but more than anything else, the way that he thought.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And the idea of maybe a re-invention of oneself, from within, there's things that he obviously didn't in terms of his appearance that changed from what he wore to his care, all these different things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But there's a meta-morphist that took place inside, and it started with, um,
28:29.285 --> 28:38.574
[SPEAKER_00]: him writing out the desires and goals that he had, making them affirmations and then building a bridge between those things that are built in his mind and then built in reality.
28:39.175 --> 28:43.639
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you're a caregiver, that stuff can be really difficult to do and focus on.
28:44.340 --> 28:47.703
[SPEAKER_00]: I've got some affirmations I've been working on that I've been working on that
28:48.651 --> 28:50.953
[SPEAKER_00]: feel different from any that I've ever had before.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And something else that hit me is that, you know, one of the biggest keys to success is to first of all be able to define what success means for you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So when you talk about relationships with self, even when we talk about being successful, it's like, what does that mean?
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[SPEAKER_00]: So what is it that one wants?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Not everyone wants the same thing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And even if there's something today that you want,
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[SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of people of experience.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You've heard of the difference between success and fulfillment.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So you may want something really, really bad.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You get it or attain it and realize that you don't really want it that much after all.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And there's several reasons for that.
29:37.623 --> 29:40.765
[SPEAKER_00]: They always say that the journey is so much more fulfilling than the destination.
29:42.526 --> 29:43.727
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think what is,
29:44.943 --> 29:52.108
[SPEAKER_00]: key to a lot of that is knowing what you want and then knowing why because I don't think we stop and think about why we want certain things.
29:52.709 --> 30:00.775
[SPEAKER_00]: And if the reason why isn't an alignment with who you really truly are, this goes back to the relationship with self.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know how much of us really know who we really really are in our core.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And there's some of us that based on our experience are not very nice people and have demons that we're dealing with.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I'd like to
30:14.578 --> 30:35.127
[SPEAKER_00]: the optimist in me that deep inside all of us when we come into this world is someone who is good at heart and has the capability to enrich the lives of other people in countless ways and ways that you might not even begin to imagine.
30:35.667 --> 30:37.048
[SPEAKER_00]: But along the way some of us get
30:40.165 --> 30:41.606
[SPEAKER_00]: sidetrack from who we are.
30:41.766 --> 30:52.912
[SPEAKER_00]: I believe that when we come into this world we are as close to perfect as we are probably ever going to be and the world around us We'll change who we are in many ways.
30:52.932 --> 30:55.493
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll take us away from that that child within us.
30:55.914 --> 30:56.954
[SPEAKER_00]: The child within us is
31:00.765 --> 31:12.896
[SPEAKER_00]: It's perfection personified, I think, you know, we're a product of creation, and that's just, you know, my belief, I don't want to push anything on anyone, but I truly believe that.
31:13.416 --> 31:26.328
[SPEAKER_00]: And some of the purity gets taken away by the world around us, especially right now, with all the distractions that we have, the separation between people,
31:29.574 --> 31:32.315
[SPEAKER_00]: loving each other less and not enough quite frankly.
31:32.355 --> 31:33.455
[SPEAKER_00]: There's just so much of that.
31:33.856 --> 31:41.138
[SPEAKER_00]: But if we can get back to who we really, really truly are, some of us are so far away from it that we, you know, we may forget.
31:41.559 --> 31:50.742
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that all those things being able to know what that is and be clear about it has everything to do with the way that we show up to give care.
31:51.242 --> 31:55.164
[SPEAKER_00]: So if there's something that you really want, here's what I would suggest.
31:59.277 --> 32:00.237
[SPEAKER_00]: what is success to you?
32:01.057 --> 32:02.078
[SPEAKER_00]: What is happiness to you?
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[SPEAKER_00]: What is it that really, really, truly fulfills you?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And stop and think about it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you know on the top of your head and once you know what that is, then acknowledge why, maybe write that down.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then put everything within your heart to go ahead and pursue that.
32:19.482 --> 32:27.124
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I think having something to pursue, this is a whole other topic, but having a dream to pursue, I think that a hand says one's ability to give care.
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[SPEAKER_00]: and it affects the manner in which we show up to give that care.
32:34.686 --> 32:43.675
[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you're in a situation where you resigned yourself to the fact that this loved one needs me for the rest of the life, there's no way I can chase the dream that I had and still be there for them.
32:45.237 --> 32:48.320
[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you've embraced that thought,
32:50.545 --> 33:10.420
[SPEAKER_00]: You probably still need to deal with its effect upon you because caregiving, again, depending upon the level of care that one has to give, it's all consuming, it really is and it can take so much of you that it's easy for yourself to forget who you might be at your core, because
33:11.540 --> 33:14.541
[SPEAKER_00]: The only important thing for you to be is the best care that you can be, right?
33:14.641 --> 33:24.706
[SPEAKER_00]: But you've heard the analogy of being a passenger on a plane when the oxygen mask comes down, you've got to put yours on first to make sure that you have the strength that you need to help someone.
33:25.526 --> 33:35.411
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't, your ability to help someone from a place of weakness is not half as effective as your ability to help someone from a place of strength.
33:35.851 --> 33:38.292
[SPEAKER_00]: And being centered on who you really truly are,
33:39.539 --> 33:46.462
[SPEAKER_00]: as everything to do with your strength, as much as it does your compassion or anything else.
33:46.742 --> 33:54.145
[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, you maybe you start by asking, who am I outside of being your caregiver?
33:55.005 --> 34:06.910
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, if you take away the caregiving aspect, there are people who, after getting married and becoming a parent, and I think this may happen, here by this a little more women than I do with men.
34:08.541 --> 34:17.745
[SPEAKER_00]: People have to stop and ask themselves after a certain age, who am I besides a wife, who am I besides another, who am I like deep, deep inside?
34:18.205 --> 34:25.888
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a question that if you live to be 500, don't ever stop asking yourself because there's so much more power in questions than there are in statements.
34:26.469 --> 34:34.272
[SPEAKER_00]: And you'll find, I think, more often than you think that the answer that you're seeking,
34:35.044 --> 34:58.471
[SPEAKER_00]: is within you and has been there all along but just needs to come out for some of us there really is an evolution that has to that takes place as you change and people do make these drastic changes but I at least often wonder especially with the changes that I'm going through which I'll share more in detail as they reveal themselves is um you know is it a complete
35:04.043 --> 35:08.849
[SPEAKER_00]: like cracking a shell and having a re-breath, so to speak.
35:10.872 --> 35:16.659
[SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, that's what I have on this topic of relationship with oneself.
35:16.999 --> 35:20.604
[SPEAKER_00]: And as we continue this series and look at various relationships,
35:21.625 --> 35:24.408
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, don't necessarily in a whole long each episode is going to be.
35:24.448 --> 35:27.390
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to be very free flowing and just kind of let it go.
35:27.430 --> 35:29.072
[SPEAKER_00]: Some of them are going to be a little more structured.
35:29.872 --> 35:39.881
[SPEAKER_00]: One that is going to be, I don't know how many parts is going to take because I have so many different views on it as it continues to evolve and I'm looking forward to it is our relationship with money.
35:42.605 --> 35:49.207
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm continuing to learn that along the way, and I think there's going to be some great value that you may get from something like that.
35:49.647 --> 35:53.768
[SPEAKER_00]: So for everyone that has been supportive and checked out every episode, we want to thank you.
35:53.788 --> 36:01.489
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to encourage you to like, subscribe, and share, and you can find that find the episodes at our YouTube channel.
36:01.829 --> 36:07.911
[SPEAKER_00]: You can find it at our website, which is change, which is beyond the spectrum podcast.com.
36:12.752 --> 36:15.873
[SPEAKER_00]: change the world at beyond the spectrum podcast.com.
36:15.953 --> 36:20.434
[SPEAKER_00]: That is change the world beyond the spectrum podcast.com.
36:20.754 --> 36:21.814
[SPEAKER_00]: We'd love to hear from you.
36:22.194 --> 36:29.876
[SPEAKER_00]: If there's a topic that you think is something that would be of interest or something that you think we should be in communication with, we'd love to hear.
36:30.516 --> 36:42.138
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you or someone you know is a male caregiver and you would appreciate being able to just be in a room where you're not alone.
36:42.705 --> 36:49.551
[SPEAKER_00]: and your victories, your challenges are all shared in a very safe space.
36:50.132 --> 36:54.516
[SPEAKER_00]: I encourage you to look at the show notes where you'll find the link for our men's group, the dent.
36:54.656 --> 37:05.366
[SPEAKER_00]: We meet by weekly every other Tuesday at 430 p.m. on zoom and it's been one of the most rewarding things that I've ever been a part of and again.
37:06.882 --> 37:13.147
[SPEAKER_00]: Also consider our community partners who we want to thank Billy Footwear and Soul Green.
37:13.508 --> 37:32.604
[SPEAKER_00]: If you click on the link in the show notes, you will find where you get a discount for each and we've got some great things coming up and I want to thank you for tuning in and remember, let's try and be a little more childlike, let's childish, ask more questions, make more statements, and to each and everyone within the sound of my voice, we love you.
37:32.744 --> 37:33.325
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much.
00:03.305 --> 00:07.308
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Beyond the Spectrum, every age, every knee.
00:08.089 --> 00:13.454
[SPEAKER_00]: I am Sean Francis, and today, this is a solo venture and the only one hosting it a day.
00:14.214 --> 00:22.301
[SPEAKER_00]: As you know, from time to time, I'm joined by my fellow caregivers and warriors Maurice McDavid and Susanna Peace LaVelle.
00:22.942 --> 00:25.164
[SPEAKER_00]: And what we're in the middle of now is a series,
00:26.095 --> 00:30.756
[SPEAKER_00]: that we've put together entitled Caregiving and Relationships.
00:30.776 --> 00:36.578
[SPEAKER_00]: And we will be covering relationships are everything and everything is relationships.
00:36.678 --> 00:47.321
[SPEAKER_00]: Anything that matters to the general public matters, to those of us who are parents or caregivers to someone with a disability or the elderly, whatever that case might be, 10 times more so.
00:47.361 --> 00:48.742
[SPEAKER_00]: And relationships are no exception.
00:49.162 --> 00:52.043
[SPEAKER_00]: So what we'll be covering in this series
00:53.483 --> 01:01.768
[SPEAKER_00]: relationships with the people we love, relationships with money, relationships with being greater than ourselves.
01:01.868 --> 01:03.849
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't want to call it religion or spirituality.
01:03.889 --> 01:04.750
[SPEAKER_00]: It's broader than that.
01:05.450 --> 01:12.454
[SPEAKER_00]: And a variety of other things, but where all begins, I think, is our relationship with ourselves.
01:13.034 --> 01:18.137
[SPEAKER_00]: And I have, you know, been going through a lot of self-discovery myself.
01:18.698 --> 01:19.098
[SPEAKER_00]: And so,
01:20.224 --> 01:22.244
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sharing from that perspective.
01:22.284 --> 01:28.326
[SPEAKER_00]: And for some of these other topics, we're also going to include our relationship with food, nutrition, all those different things.
01:28.386 --> 01:36.408
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to have people from different industries that will support those things that will be in from time to time.
01:36.448 --> 01:43.709
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think the topic is so vast and great that, they don't necessarily get covered in just one sitting.
01:43.909 --> 01:45.670
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why here we are today,
01:46.710 --> 01:50.234
[SPEAKER_00]: in a part two of relationship with oneself.
01:50.675 --> 01:52.117
[SPEAKER_00]: But we're going to jump right into it.
01:52.457 --> 01:54.880
[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for joining us on another episode of Beyond The Spectrum.
02:21.990 --> 02:22.991
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, let's get right to it.
02:23.511 --> 02:28.616
[SPEAKER_00]: Before we do that, let's thank our community partners, Billy Footwear.
02:29.036 --> 02:32.499
[SPEAKER_00]: They are the makers of adaptive footwear for all.
02:33.100 --> 02:38.705
[SPEAKER_00]: The Founder Billy Price is a walking testament in story to greatness and perseverance.
02:39.145 --> 02:47.513
[SPEAKER_00]: He suffered a catastrophic injury, the first week of his freshman year in college, and was paralyzed as a result of that.
02:47.893 --> 03:14.953
[SPEAKER_00]: Learn how to do everything for myself all over again with the exception of putting shoes on a prototype was created and Billy footwear was born and since then they have sold over a million pairs of shoes and touch countless lines if you click on the link in the show notes you will get 10% off of your final purchase and that includes when they have sales that are taking place with you usually do as we go in and out of seasons they're an amazing company with a great quality product and part of a great cost.
03:15.493 --> 03:20.739
[SPEAKER_00]: We also want to thank our community partner, soul, grain, granola.
03:21.100 --> 03:24.444
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, when you hear that, you may think, okay, it's a company that makes granola.
03:24.744 --> 03:28.709
[SPEAKER_00]: But they make it with all natural ingredients, and they have some amazing flavors.
03:29.229 --> 03:30.751
[SPEAKER_00]: And we are honored to be
03:31.823 --> 03:32.583
[SPEAKER_00]: business with them.
03:33.144 --> 03:41.208
[SPEAKER_00]: If you look in the show notes, you'll find your discount code, which is B as in Boy, T is in Tom S as in Sam, the number 10.
03:41.248 --> 03:43.029
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's BTS 10.
03:43.429 --> 03:48.492
[SPEAKER_00]: And that will get you 10% off your final purchase from Soul Green.
03:49.132 --> 03:50.593
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's get into it.
03:51.413 --> 03:53.494
[SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about relationships with
04:00.368 --> 04:05.131
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I think at least for me, a lot of this is just from my own experience.
04:05.452 --> 04:25.086
[SPEAKER_00]: Those of you that have been following the show for a while, I may know that I am primarily a financial services professional and, you know, I help businesses and individuals and families with things from life insurance, short and long-term savings, estate planning,
04:28.502 --> 04:34.745
[SPEAKER_00]: tax issues, there's a wide plate of things that that we provide.
04:35.825 --> 04:41.468
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've been thinking about my journey in that industry.
04:42.028 --> 04:55.394
[SPEAKER_00]: And when I realize that if families with newer typical children need to plan for our time when they exist only in memory, then it's twice as important for those of us who are caregivers.
04:57.445 --> 05:09.847
[SPEAKER_00]: We lost an initiative to build a bridge between financial service literacy and opportunity and the special needs community, my good from Brian Altunian and I, I'm in doing that for a while and he hosted the previous podcast with me just to that.
05:10.447 --> 05:18.729
[SPEAKER_00]: But I was thinking of my entire time in that profession, September will make it 20 years and I feel like everything that I've
05:27.068 --> 05:39.333
[SPEAKER_00]: There's so many things, generally speaking, but especially in that industry and in my work, that are so crystal clear to me now that we're not before.
05:40.574 --> 05:43.615
[SPEAKER_00]: And the same thing is transpired in other areas of my life.
05:44.155 --> 05:45.796
[SPEAKER_00]: And what I've found is that,
05:47.021 --> 06:01.762
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not necessarily discovering new things, but I'm discovering new things and at the same time, possessed with an overwhelming feeling that I knew all along, that which I'm learning right now.
06:05.493 --> 06:08.594
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm also learning how to describe that.
06:08.975 --> 06:17.679
[SPEAKER_00]: So the relationship we have with ourselves is everything to do with who we are, who we become, and who we may evolve into being.
06:18.859 --> 06:27.283
[SPEAKER_00]: All those things play a role in how we react to getting the title of caregiver.
06:27.524 --> 06:30.785
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes you don't even realize that that's what you are.
06:30.825 --> 06:32.546
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're a parent and you have a child
06:36.448 --> 06:39.490
[SPEAKER_00]: the way that you respond is dictated by your experience.
06:40.030 --> 06:47.294
[SPEAKER_00]: But for the most part, what you're thinking is, all right, let's just jump right into this and let's, you know, what do we do?
06:47.334 --> 06:49.155
[SPEAKER_00]: How do we how do we face this?
06:49.215 --> 06:53.157
[SPEAKER_00]: And so for my wife and I, we were each raised differently.
06:56.110 --> 07:08.466
[SPEAKER_00]: the ways in which we were raised that are similar is that you simply take care of your responsibilities, but the way in which we deal with it is different in that my wife is very, okay, what do we need to do?
07:08.947 --> 07:10.329
[SPEAKER_00]: Head down, go make it happen.
07:11.110 --> 07:14.074
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm more that way now, but,
07:16.313 --> 07:22.175
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to sit back and be maybe a little more analytical about things and overthink things.
07:22.295 --> 07:26.976
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm still dealing with the fact that I do overthink things.
07:26.996 --> 07:37.539
[SPEAKER_00]: I have noted that part of my own journey consists of a recent diagnosis of ADHD and what it does is it has allowed me to understand what my
07:38.671 --> 07:42.354
[SPEAKER_00]: language is, the manner in which I process things, the manner in which I communicate.
07:42.894 --> 07:51.161
[SPEAKER_00]: And the quest to seek out what I thought was to seek out the diagnosis that I thought was there all along.
07:51.701 --> 07:54.984
[SPEAKER_00]: That began with this deep look within.
07:55.905 --> 08:00.208
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's where I continue to have these revelations.
08:00.248 --> 08:04.712
[SPEAKER_00]: But what I was getting to is that I feel that a lot of what I'm
08:05.902 --> 08:16.906
[SPEAKER_00]: discovering now and learning are things that were there all along and the biggest thing I'm trying to do is figure out how to articulate that.
08:16.926 --> 08:22.267
[SPEAKER_00]: The way it's helped me is that it allows me to give other people grace because I don't know where they are in their journey.
08:22.407 --> 08:23.228
[SPEAKER_00]: I have no idea.
08:24.963 --> 08:27.464
[SPEAKER_00]: Those things apply to a person generally speaking.
08:27.484 --> 08:33.606
[SPEAKER_00]: When you add the care given component, then things get really, really interesting.
08:33.806 --> 08:35.006
[SPEAKER_00]: And each situation is different.
08:35.046 --> 08:41.949
[SPEAKER_00]: So you may become a caregiver later in life because you are now caring for an elderly parent.
08:42.269 --> 08:44.270
[SPEAKER_00]: Your children have been neurotypical.
08:45.010 --> 08:51.032
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're a caregiving journey has been limited to the normal,
08:51.610 --> 08:57.113
[SPEAKER_00]: quote unquote normal path of parenting and and and that's it.
08:57.313 --> 09:02.736
[SPEAKER_00]: So maybe you're on a new journey as a result of caring for an elderly love one or a parent.
09:03.357 --> 09:14.743
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're a first time parent and you have a child that is only a couple years old and there's a diagnosis that is new and you're dealing with it.
09:14.924 --> 09:18.686
[SPEAKER_00]: That way for some of you you're doing that as a
09:21.027 --> 09:30.335
[SPEAKER_00]: couple and you have a significant other that is in this fight with you as I am blessed to be with my wife of 21 years.
09:31.496 --> 09:46.448
[SPEAKER_00]: Or you might be someone who is a single parent, maybe you're single from the very beginning, from most of your child's life, or you might be someone for whom being a caregiver has
09:47.530 --> 09:54.736
[SPEAKER_00]: really tested your marriage and the marriage itself did not survive because as we know, the divorce rate within the special needs community is higher than it is elsewhere.
09:55.436 --> 10:02.782
[SPEAKER_00]: But wherever you might be, your relationship with yourself is, I think, the most important.
10:02.842 --> 10:15.773
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, there's so many quote and quote experts and influencers all across social media in a bunch of different areas, nutrition, fitness, finance, general personal development,
10:18.728 --> 10:21.941
[SPEAKER_00]: The one thing I think, the one thing that I, that appeals to me.
10:23.092 --> 10:37.099
[SPEAKER_00]: always is when someone takes a very pragmatic approach and they simply share what they know as opposed to telling people, here's what you should never do and you should always do this, always do that.
10:37.720 --> 10:47.525
[SPEAKER_00]: So as a result of that, even when it comes to my opinion on money matters, given my experience, which is a little unique 20 years in financial services as a professional
10:50.743 --> 11:03.590
[SPEAKER_00]: I still feel that there's so much value and never allowing yourself to fully embrace the title of expert, because the next word is someone who doesn't really have anything else to learn, right?
11:04.871 --> 11:09.593
[SPEAKER_00]: But if I can share with you, here's what I've learned, here's how it helped me, maybe it can help you as well.
11:09.973 --> 11:17.917
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's the approach that I'm taking with that I do with anything that I have to share, but especially when it comes to the discovery and journey of self.
11:19.715 --> 11:29.078
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to bleed into our other area with which is your relationship with God creation, the universe of spirituality, however you choose to define it.
11:29.558 --> 11:46.644
[SPEAKER_00]: But I do believe in a spiritual sense, at least for me, it has been that when I sit in silence, I find that most of the answers that I'm seeking, either come to me, reveal themselves,
11:50.525 --> 11:54.348
[SPEAKER_00]: Possessed with that feeling that I kind of I knew all along.
11:54.788 --> 12:01.492
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, there are those things you discovered feel like I had no idea what's been really fascinating for me on this journey is that many things that I've taken place.
12:01.973 --> 12:10.799
[SPEAKER_00]: I find myself just feeling like I knew that all along and if I knew all along, why did it not reveal itself a little later on and down.
12:12.102 --> 12:12.362
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
12:12.382 --> 12:14.143
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's what I mean with some of those things.
12:15.303 --> 12:35.552
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I mentioned that in previous episodes, my curiosity about myself began with the conversations that have taken place on this podcast and when we did just two dads with different therapists and other professionals that we spoken with in the caregiving space.
12:36.473 --> 12:44.575
[SPEAKER_00]: and between that and observing things that my son does in terms of his behavior as a result of being in the autism spectrum.
12:45.355 --> 12:53.857
[SPEAKER_00]: And some of the very things that try my patients are things that I, although to a lower, lesser extent, do as well.
12:54.537 --> 12:56.598
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it made it,
12:59.837 --> 13:01.177
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, which is the best way to say this.
13:01.597 --> 13:10.799
[SPEAKER_00]: It made me stop to think, you know, I wonder what kind of link there is that between myself and autism and any kind of neurodivergence.
13:11.399 --> 13:17.360
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, you know, I made the appointments that I needed to be think between psychiatrists and therapists and we got to that point.
13:18.341 --> 13:25.182
[SPEAKER_00]: But in beginning that, you know, I've continued to find, again, this just this,
13:26.595 --> 13:27.536
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna open this.
13:27.556 --> 13:34.120
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna, I'm hoping that I'm making sense in adding value here today because like I said, I'm working through my language as to how to express these things.
13:34.160 --> 13:35.601
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's been a wonderful experience.
13:36.122 --> 13:50.112
[SPEAKER_00]: The one thing I've completely embraced is that, you know, when I met my wife, I thought after we began dating, I was like, why could I have met her years ago?
13:50.672 --> 13:54.315
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I had a conversation with someone recently.
13:55.465 --> 13:58.446
[SPEAKER_00]: who has a son that is, I think he may be 10 years old.
13:58.686 --> 14:02.688
[SPEAKER_00]: This is something that became a son of a father, excuse me, a parent later in life.
14:03.408 --> 14:12.512
[SPEAKER_00]: And he talked about wondering why he couldn't have become a parent earlier in life.
14:13.252 --> 14:15.953
[SPEAKER_00]: And I thought the same thing as well.
14:16.673 --> 14:20.375
[SPEAKER_00]: But I realized that when I think of who I was,
14:21.299 --> 14:31.328
[SPEAKER_00]: and let's say my 20s because I enjoy the rule of husband and father so much that the question comes about why couldn't I have met my wife years ago?
14:31.808 --> 14:35.251
[SPEAKER_00]: Why couldn't I have become a father years ago?
14:35.271 --> 14:39.735
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm in good shape for my age and everything and I can still, you know, I can throw a ball and run around with my son.
14:39.755 --> 14:40.476
[SPEAKER_00]: He's not a toddler.
14:40.496 --> 14:41.336
[SPEAKER_00]: He's 20 years old.
14:42.157 --> 14:48.322
[SPEAKER_00]: So we've had those bonding times were able to pick him up and sort of, you know, rough house and
14:49.400 --> 15:06.507
[SPEAKER_00]: play in that kind of thing, but I've enjoyed it so much that it's become natural to at some point, wonder, man, I sure wish I had more years of this and you know, why didn't this happen when I was younger?
15:06.547 --> 15:13.770
[SPEAKER_00]: Why did I, why did I have to go through relationships that I did before meeting my wife?
15:14.250 --> 15:15.411
[SPEAKER_00]: Why did that have to take place?
15:16.131 --> 15:16.611
[SPEAKER_00]: And the one thing
15:18.372 --> 15:36.825
[SPEAKER_00]: for one thing, I never would say that I was a bad person or anything like that, but I wouldn't be able to do with fatherhood or as good a job as I think I do with that or marriage in my 20s being who I was then.
15:37.425 --> 15:41.388
[SPEAKER_00]: I was just, I was a mess in a lot of different ways.
15:45.287 --> 15:58.515
[SPEAKER_00]: Just very uncertain of a whole lot of things, but my uncertainty has never been one that has caused me to hang my head down in shame and it was never like self-loathing or anything.
15:59.115 --> 16:10.322
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you were calling me talking about my journey, I mentioned two things leading up to my own diagnosis, which was just before that, I looked in the mirror one day
16:12.560 --> 16:22.245
[SPEAKER_00]: I had two things that took place at the same time, or a markable clarity about who I was looking at in a connection.
16:23.886 --> 16:33.571
[SPEAKER_00]: And at the same time, I acknowledged that prior to that seeing that connection, I had a disconnect from the person that I saw in the mirror before.
16:34.072 --> 16:36.593
[SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't know how to explain that.
16:36.613 --> 16:41.756
[SPEAKER_00]: And as I sit here, I'm sure in this as I'm discovering it.
16:42.800 --> 16:53.045
[SPEAKER_00]: I think when you think of someone that has low self-esteem, you think of someone that does, in fact, hold their head down and maybe they're a shame.
16:53.085 --> 16:54.186
[SPEAKER_00]: And there is self-loating.
16:54.546 --> 17:00.329
[SPEAKER_00]: But I don't think you have to have full-on self-loating in order to have a lack of self-esteem.
17:01.290 --> 17:05.132
[SPEAKER_00]: And I looked at myself in the mirror today.
17:05.983 --> 17:29.385
[SPEAKER_00]: getting dressed and I looked and I obviously hit me and I had a clear definition of the gap or the disconnect that I had previously what happened is I look in the mirror and I would think that the person in the mirror was I don't know let's say.
17:31.578 --> 17:35.021
[SPEAKER_00]: This sounds strange, but better looking than I felt.
17:35.301 --> 17:36.242
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to say better looking.
17:36.302 --> 17:39.364
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't necessarily just mean, that's a handsome man.
17:39.404 --> 17:40.685
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't feel like a handsome man.
17:40.705 --> 17:45.069
[SPEAKER_00]: It's more than just being a good looking individual, sort of speak.
17:45.129 --> 17:49.993
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just something that I don't know.
17:50.093 --> 17:52.274
[SPEAKER_00]: Just put it this way.
17:52.334 --> 17:53.856
[SPEAKER_00]: I would feel like I didn't.
17:57.053 --> 18:01.616
[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't feel as good as I thought I looked if that makes sense.
18:01.977 --> 18:13.905
[SPEAKER_00]: So much so to the point that you know it's almost like who is that and that's kind of weird and it's very, very, very, very subtle, very subtle.
18:14.266 --> 18:19.249
[SPEAKER_00]: But those things I think play a role in your everyday life and how you see yourself.
18:22.059 --> 18:37.723
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I think from me where it's stemmed from, I think I mentioned this before, you know, I was always challenged academically, but never thought too lack intelligence, which I know from my parents was just a huge problem.
18:38.203 --> 18:46.925
[SPEAKER_00]: And, man, I don't know how they did what they did, you know, my dad would say, I'd be like, how did you just not give up?
18:49.137 --> 18:59.165
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, because I had tutors, I had all kind of, I was never in special education, but I had tutors outside of school.
18:59.385 --> 19:01.627
[SPEAKER_00]: I would have my teachers that would tutor me as well.
19:02.007 --> 19:03.789
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just could not focus.
19:04.509 --> 19:15.618
[SPEAKER_00]: And I remember feeling like I was going to just combust when I was sitting in a classroom, especially if I had to take a test.
19:17.457 --> 19:29.665
[SPEAKER_00]: When I began taking the test and I'm sitting at just wanted to end, I just wanted to be over to the point where to be really honest, the lots of times I would, all right, if I have to sit and take this test, I'm just going to guess, guess, guess, guess, guess, guess.
19:30.265 --> 19:40.091
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and then every now and then when I get good grades, like I might have stated before my father would say, you could get these grades all the time if you would just try because you're smart enough, but there was just never a connect.
19:40.552 --> 19:43.153
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think what got me the most was
19:46.960 --> 19:48.641
[SPEAKER_00]: as honest as, you know, they are.
19:49.382 --> 19:55.926
[SPEAKER_00]: When a teacher calls on you, you don't know the answer and everybody laughs, that we're kind of, I think that stayed with me for years.
19:55.946 --> 19:58.287
[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't have anybody necessarily point and laugh.
19:58.848 --> 20:12.817
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, outside of that given moment, I like I got mocked and teased, but it was just enough and it carried over into, man, so many other things that I did in life and I just had it,
20:13.747 --> 20:14.367
[SPEAKER_00]: all wrong.
20:14.727 --> 20:19.269
[SPEAKER_00]: My parents did everything they could to try and figure out why there was a disconnect there.
20:19.929 --> 20:26.451
[SPEAKER_00]: But the way that I perceived it is what is just so messed up.
20:26.471 --> 20:30.872
[SPEAKER_00]: I think most of us go through life with our mirror very cloudy.
20:31.352 --> 20:38.515
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, one of the best things you could ever do is just work on a daily basis to clean that mirror to see yourself who you who you really are.
20:38.595 --> 20:38.975
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think
20:42.350 --> 20:54.345
[SPEAKER_00]: digging within whether you're going to sit in silence and meditate in some way, shape, perform, or just start paying attention to yourself.
20:54.425 --> 20:59.211
[SPEAKER_00]: I've said before, you know, so much living is done on autopilot.
20:59.792 --> 21:00.252
[SPEAKER_00]: It's done.
21:03.853 --> 21:19.202
[SPEAKER_00]: Instinctively, we don't even think about what we think about when you're given day, when you go someplace, when you go to work, come home, if you have a job that you physically go to, we don't think about the drive on the way home because it's one that we drive every day, maybe even to your favorite grocery store or something like that.
21:27.548 --> 21:36.944
[SPEAKER_00]: not at its height and so the answer to that I think for me anyway is to live life as intentional as one possibly can.
21:37.384 --> 21:37.885
[SPEAKER_00]: Those things
21:38.946 --> 21:45.751
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, carry weight for the general population, but those of us who are caregivers, that becomes twice as important to do.
21:46.111 --> 21:46.852
[SPEAKER_00]: Twice is important.
21:47.492 --> 21:53.016
[SPEAKER_00]: So what I can do is I'll share a little bit about what I'm doing and what I'm going through.
21:54.457 --> 21:56.338
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't mention at the top of the show.
21:56.359 --> 22:01.322
[SPEAKER_00]: We also have our men's group known as the DIN, which is a support group for men who are caregivers.
22:02.083 --> 22:02.203
[SPEAKER_00]: And,
22:03.290 --> 22:08.753
[SPEAKER_00]: We had a conversation this past week in our most recent call.
22:08.773 --> 22:10.954
[SPEAKER_00]: We meet every, you know, the link is in the show notes.
22:11.014 --> 22:11.814
[SPEAKER_00]: It's free of charge.
22:12.374 --> 22:19.478
[SPEAKER_00]: We have members from as far as ways Mexico City, New York, California, where I am, Atlanta and in between.
22:20.338 --> 22:23.480
[SPEAKER_00]: And I shared with that group sort of a,
22:24.795 --> 22:42.906
[SPEAKER_00]: a realization that I had come to, which I'll share with you before we, uh, at some point here today before we wrap up, but this whole journey of this self-discovery, you know, getting older, growing is just such a beautiful and wonderful gift and not everybody gets to do that.
22:43.767 --> 22:50.251
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, so I'm thankful to, to simply be here, but generally speaking,
22:52.113 --> 22:57.637
[SPEAKER_00]: that matters and carries weight, and it especially does, again, when you're a caregiver.
22:57.998 --> 23:10.027
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so one of our first responsibility, one of our first responsibilities, generally speaking, is to foster,
23:13.090 --> 23:16.893
[SPEAKER_00]: work on and develop a good relationship with ourselves.
23:17.453 --> 23:24.037
[SPEAKER_00]: When we think of our relationship with ourselves, the deepest most of us probably go with that is what do you think of yourself?
23:24.618 --> 23:25.438
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you see yourself?
23:26.479 --> 23:32.803
[SPEAKER_00]: And those things matter is just as important to ask, you know, what do you think of yourself?
23:33.743 --> 23:34.704
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you see yourself?
23:35.505 --> 23:36.765
[SPEAKER_00]: How would you describe yourself?
23:37.866 --> 23:41.208
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think it's worthwhile to ask yourself that question perpetually
23:44.094 --> 23:54.436
[SPEAKER_00]: One of the ways that I think we avoid just taking a room on the planet and making the best out of our visit here on Earth because it is a visit tomorrow's a number of things, but a promise is not one of them.
23:55.236 --> 24:12.380
[SPEAKER_00]: One of the things that have served me best is to continually ask that question, because the answer should over time evolve just as we do, which is why I used to ask on the other show, I'm just too dad, I'd close it by asking someone you don't give,
24:13.677 --> 24:20.119
[SPEAKER_00]: one thought or belief that you once believed to be true, but no longer believed to be true.
24:20.799 --> 24:34.824
[SPEAKER_00]: And your answer to that question has a lot to do with how you spend your time here, how you live the life that you have, and
24:37.137 --> 24:40.802
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, go back to my thought before about just sharing, here's what's worked for me.
24:41.323 --> 24:43.686
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's what I've done.
24:43.846 --> 24:46.850
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me share that as opposed to an expert telling you just what you need to do.
24:46.970 --> 24:48.873
[SPEAKER_00]: There are some things that are, you know,
24:51.250 --> 24:58.036
[SPEAKER_00]: I guess non-negotiable, but you get at least address those things as being non-negotiable for you.
24:59.858 --> 25:06.043
[SPEAKER_00]: What is non-negotiable for me is remaining today, who I was yesterday.
25:06.584 --> 25:10.167
[SPEAKER_00]: And that I don't think those people realize how much work that takes.
25:10.267 --> 25:13.050
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been a lifelong journey for me to do that and just continue to
25:14.699 --> 25:30.936
[SPEAKER_00]: be a better person, generally speaking, but back to my point, the relationship with ourselves is our first responsibility because it has everything to do with how we handle the responsibility of being a parent to a
25:32.597 --> 25:42.925
[SPEAKER_00]: child and actual child or a young adult or being a caregiver to that individual or being a caregiver to an elderly parent who needs us there.
25:43.366 --> 25:45.307
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just a different level of care.
25:45.327 --> 25:53.534
[SPEAKER_00]: And those things become twice as important if you have a limited level of support around you as well.
25:53.854 --> 25:59.739
[SPEAKER_00]: Especially if you're then single, your responsibility to yourself is it's
26:01.231 --> 26:01.912
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just huge.
26:02.172 --> 26:12.101
[SPEAKER_00]: And if I must have almost looking for words to, I don't know, not looking for words, but trying to wrap my head around,
26:14.125 --> 26:19.748
[SPEAKER_00]: what I'm trying to say because I think it is just, it's so big, it's so huge, I think it is that it's everything.
26:20.788 --> 26:35.736
[SPEAKER_00]: Relationships generally speaking, but especially our relationship with ourselves, and it is so embedded in us and so part of our subconscious that we don't really, I think there's a lot of it that we're not aware of.
26:36.096 --> 26:36.556
[SPEAKER_00]: Put it this way.
26:36.636 --> 26:37.417
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I have
26:38.703 --> 26:45.528
[SPEAKER_00]: more self-awareness than the average person and I'm nowhere in your satisfied with the level of self-awareness that I do have.
26:45.988 --> 26:55.936
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think the level of self-awareness that I possess, the level of self-awareness that I seek is just as if not more important.
26:56.156 --> 27:03.822
[SPEAKER_00]: And despite all of that, and that being the case for years, I'm continually finding out things about myself that
27:05.643 --> 27:10.284
[SPEAKER_00]: I either didn't know or I'm realizing that, oh my gosh, that was there.
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[SPEAKER_00]: All along, I didn't realize that I thought that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So there's a book by a gentleman by the name of Dr. Shad Houndsteader called, what to say when talking to yourself?
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think I had it here on my shelf.
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[UNKNOWN]: What to say?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's actually what to say when you talk to yourself.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, most of us talk to ourselves without thinking about what it is that we're seeing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That's why affirmations are so important.
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[SPEAKER_00]: There seems to be a little bit of a renaissance taking place with regard to, with the release of the Michael Jackson movie, with regard to not so much,
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, his talent and his art history, but more than anything else, the way that he thought.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And the idea of maybe a re-invention of oneself, from within, there's things that he obviously didn't in terms of his appearance that changed from what he wore to his care, all these different things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But there's a meta-morphist that took place inside, and it started with, um,
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[SPEAKER_00]: him writing out the desires and goals that he had, making them affirmations and then building a bridge between those things that are built in his mind and then built in reality.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when you're a caregiver, that stuff can be really difficult to do and focus on.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I've got some affirmations I've been working on that I've been working on that
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[SPEAKER_00]: feel different from any that I've ever had before.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And something else that hit me is that, you know, one of the biggest keys to success is to first of all be able to define what success means for you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So when you talk about relationships with self, even when we talk about being successful, it's like, what does that mean?
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[SPEAKER_00]: So what is it that one wants?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Not everyone wants the same thing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And even if there's something today that you want,
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[SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of people of experience.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You've heard of the difference between success and fulfillment.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So you may want something really, really bad.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You get it or attain it and realize that you don't really want it that much after all.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And there's several reasons for that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: They always say that the journey is so much more fulfilling than the destination.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I think what is,
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[SPEAKER_00]: key to a lot of that is knowing what you want and then knowing why because I don't think we stop and think about why we want certain things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And if the reason why isn't an alignment with who you really truly are, this goes back to the relationship with self.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know how much of us really know who we really really are in our core.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And there's some of us that based on our experience are not very nice people and have demons that we're dealing with.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I'd like to
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[SPEAKER_00]: the optimist in me that deep inside all of us when we come into this world is someone who is good at heart and has the capability to enrich the lives of other people in countless ways and ways that you might not even begin to imagine.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But along the way some of us get
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[SPEAKER_00]: sidetrack from who we are.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I believe that when we come into this world we are as close to perfect as we are probably ever going to be and the world around us We'll change who we are in many ways.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We'll take us away from that that child within us.
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[SPEAKER_00]: The child within us is
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's perfection personified, I think, you know, we're a product of creation, and that's just, you know, my belief, I don't want to push anything on anyone, but I truly believe that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And some of the purity gets taken away by the world around us, especially right now, with all the distractions that we have, the separation between people,
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[SPEAKER_00]: loving each other less and not enough quite frankly.
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[SPEAKER_00]: There's just so much of that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But if we can get back to who we really, really truly are, some of us are so far away from it that we, you know, we may forget.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that all those things being able to know what that is and be clear about it has everything to do with the way that we show up to give care.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So if there's something that you really want, here's what I would suggest.
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[SPEAKER_00]: what is success to you?
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[SPEAKER_00]: What is happiness to you?
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[SPEAKER_00]: What is it that really, really, truly fulfills you?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And stop and think about it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you know on the top of your head and once you know what that is, then acknowledge why, maybe write that down.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then put everything within your heart to go ahead and pursue that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Because I think having something to pursue, this is a whole other topic, but having a dream to pursue, I think that a hand says one's ability to give care.
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[SPEAKER_00]: and it affects the manner in which we show up to give that care.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you're in a situation where you resigned yourself to the fact that this loved one needs me for the rest of the life, there's no way I can chase the dream that I had and still be there for them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you've embraced that thought,
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[SPEAKER_00]: You probably still need to deal with its effect upon you because caregiving, again, depending upon the level of care that one has to give, it's all consuming, it really is and it can take so much of you that it's easy for yourself to forget who you might be at your core, because
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[SPEAKER_00]: The only important thing for you to be is the best care that you can be, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: But you've heard the analogy of being a passenger on a plane when the oxygen mask comes down, you've got to put yours on first to make sure that you have the strength that you need to help someone.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You can't, your ability to help someone from a place of weakness is not half as effective as your ability to help someone from a place of strength.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And being centered on who you really truly are,
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[SPEAKER_00]: as everything to do with your strength, as much as it does your compassion or anything else.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, you maybe you start by asking, who am I outside of being your caregiver?
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, if you take away the caregiving aspect, there are people who, after getting married and becoming a parent, and I think this may happen, here by this a little more women than I do with men.
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[SPEAKER_00]: People have to stop and ask themselves after a certain age, who am I besides a wife, who am I besides another, who am I like deep, deep inside?
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[SPEAKER_00]: That's a question that if you live to be 500, don't ever stop asking yourself because there's so much more power in questions than there are in statements.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And you'll find, I think, more often than you think that the answer that you're seeking,
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[SPEAKER_00]: is within you and has been there all along but just needs to come out for some of us there really is an evolution that has to that takes place as you change and people do make these drastic changes but I at least often wonder especially with the changes that I'm going through which I'll share more in detail as they reveal themselves is um you know is it a complete
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[SPEAKER_00]: like cracking a shell and having a re-breath, so to speak.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, that's what I have on this topic of relationship with oneself.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And as we continue this series and look at various relationships,
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, don't necessarily in a whole long each episode is going to be.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to be very free flowing and just kind of let it go.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Some of them are going to be a little more structured.
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[SPEAKER_00]: One that is going to be, I don't know how many parts is going to take because I have so many different views on it as it continues to evolve and I'm looking forward to it is our relationship with money.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm continuing to learn that along the way, and I think there's going to be some great value that you may get from something like that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So for everyone that has been supportive and checked out every episode, we want to thank you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I want to encourage you to like, subscribe, and share, and you can find that find the episodes at our YouTube channel.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You can find it at our website, which is change, which is beyond the spectrum podcast.com.
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[SPEAKER_00]: change the world at beyond the spectrum podcast.com.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That is change the world beyond the spectrum podcast.com.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We'd love to hear from you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If there's a topic that you think is something that would be of interest or something that you think we should be in communication with, we'd love to hear.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And if you or someone you know is a male caregiver and you would appreciate being able to just be in a room where you're not alone.
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[SPEAKER_00]: and your victories, your challenges are all shared in a very safe space.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I encourage you to look at the show notes where you'll find the link for our men's group, the dent.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We meet by weekly every other Tuesday at 430 p.m. on zoom and it's been one of the most rewarding things that I've ever been a part of and again.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Also consider our community partners who we want to thank Billy Footwear and Soul Green.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If you click on the link in the show notes, you will find where you get a discount for each and we've got some great things coming up and I want to thank you for tuning in and remember, let's try and be a little more childlike, let's childish, ask more questions, make more statements, and to each and everyone within the sound of my voice, we love you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much.
