Relationships & Caregving part 1

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[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to another episode of the On the Spectrum every age every need.

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[SPEAKER_01]: My name is Sean Francis, I'm your host, and today it is a solo journey, hoping you will enjoy the time spent with me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: This show was created to touch on the things that connect the caregiving and special needs community in the very obvious ways, things like

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[SPEAKER_01]: affect our community in the maybe not so obvious way.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And the truth of the matter is anything that affects the general population affects the community of us who are caregivers or parents to one with a diagnosis, a disability.

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[SPEAKER_01]: or caregiving for the elderly, whatever the case might be, 10 times more so.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And we're going to have a series which starts today, the first of several episodes on relationships and caregiving.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Why relationships are important?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Those things are important to the general population, but especially to us.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So let's get right into it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Another episode of Beyond The Spectrum.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, let's get right into it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Before we do what I want to thank our community partners, Billy Footwear, who are there, the makers of Adaptive, but we're for all of the founder, Billy Price, is an individual who is first week of college experience, a traumatic injury that left him paralyzed and he had to learn how to do everything all over again for himself and he was able to do that with the exception of putting shoes on his feet.

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[SPEAKER_01]: A prototype was created and Billy Footwear was born.

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[SPEAKER_01]: They have now sold over a million pairs of shoes and affected many, many lives and that if you click on the link that you will find in the show notes You can get 10% off your final purchase The cool thing about that is that you get that discount on top of any sales that they may have going on And they usually do going into different seasons and right now we're headed into summer

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[SPEAKER_01]: So, another community partner is a fantastic company.

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[SPEAKER_01]: This is a newer relationship with a great company called Soul Green.

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[SPEAKER_01]: They make granola.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Granola that is not only good for you, but tastes great.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And they have a variety of flavors.

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[SPEAKER_01]: When we started this relationship, I signed up with them right away and had my shipment delivered to me and loved it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: They have a ton of

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[SPEAKER_01]: cool and exotic flavors, and they're based in Minneapolis, so one of the flavors is known as purple grain, and that flavor consists of, oh my gosh, now I'm bordering it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I believe it is a, I'm not sure where the purple comes from, forgive me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But they've got, um,

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[SPEAKER_01]: Banana and a mango and a sweet potato pudding.

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[SPEAKER_01]: There's just a bunch of different flavors and those are our friends Lisa and Sylvia and they are fantastic entrepreneurs and it's a great Business-great product and if you click on the link in the show notes as well or use the code BTS 10 that is bees and boy T isn't top SS and Sam 10.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You will get 10% off your final purchase So let's get right into it

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[SPEAKER_01]: So relationships are everything and relationships, relationships are everything and everything is relationships.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Prior to this show, I did a co-host that a show called Just Who Dads is my good from Brian Altunian, and a lot of that was geared towards caregiving from a dad's perspective, and we did it for five years, and the show grew, we both grew, I grew as well, and what

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's now been gosh almost six years because we're a little less than a year into the on the spectrum.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And the whole premise for this show, the title beyond the spectrum, is that there is more to the spectrum itself, as it relates to those that are diagnosed and those that are caring for them.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And my son is turned 20 almost two weeks ago,

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I've been a caregiver and husband for 20 years now and I've come to grow in my own way.

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[SPEAKER_01]: One of the first things that I realized as a result of being on a podcast is that I didn't connect or identify my wife and I as caregivers.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So as a as concerned

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[SPEAKER_01]: who is caring for an elderly individual that may have fallen and broken a hip or something of that nature.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But the truth of the matter is, if you're providing care for anyone, any kind of care for someone that is unable to care for themselves, that's a caregiver.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's very broad, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And that was the one revelation that I had within the other one that I continue to have

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[SPEAKER_01]: Anything that affects the general population affects the caregiving and especially in these communities, 10 times more.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Money is no exception, which is why, as a financial professional, I've shared what I've learned and covered some of those topics as well.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But every time I think I know maybe all there is to know about that, something else comes up that reminds me that anything that connects

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[SPEAKER_01]: is twice as important to ours and the one thing that really struck me probably about a week we can have to go is relationships and I mean it in its totality because what happens is when you're caregiving especially depending on what your situation is, depending on the diagnosis, depending on the level of disability and the amount of care that you have to give, you

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[SPEAKER_01]: You're so busy doing that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of things that you don't necessarily realize.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But relationships are everything.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so what we're going to cover in this series, excuse me, is a variety of relationships.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And the first one that we're going to start with is the relationship with oneself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That is something that is important to any and everyone, of course.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But again, ten times more important to us.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And if you go

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[SPEAKER_01]: your relationship with yourself is very much tied to your identity.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Who do you think you are?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Who do you see yourself as?

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you can't give the amount that you can give, generally speaking, but especially as a caregiver, is determined by your, I don't know, I guess I should say,

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[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe to a certain extent, maybe even your happiness.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And that's not something that you think of right away because in communities of color, especially in minorities, we don't always identify as caregivers because culturally speaking, you care for the elderly.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You take care of your parents and do whatever is necessary.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You're so busy doing it that you may not realize.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I think that applies generally speaking, but especially in minority communities.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Um, a caregiver running on empty has little to give, right, or what you have to give is completely challenged.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then the person that you are has everything to do with, um, the way you respond to a diagnosis, the way that you give care, all of those things.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so what I would add, and I guess the easiest place for me to start,

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[SPEAKER_01]: is my own identity and my relationship with myself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I should recently that I have been diagnosed with ADHD.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And for me, that was, I don't know if I want to say a revelation, but it was it provided a lot of answers and confirmed a lot of things for me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Prior to that diagnosis,

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[SPEAKER_01]: for like a better term, trying to clear clean my mirror, I should say.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I had this experience where on one given day, you know, when people tell you about these markers in their life, they can usually tell you, I remember it like it was yesterday, it was on this day at this time, all I know was that it was within the last two months somewhere around there.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I took a look in the mirror and it realized two things at the same time,

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[SPEAKER_01]: which is, I had this clarity as to who I am that I had never had before.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Number one.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Number two, I realized that that clarity had been missing almost all my life.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it was something that wasn't consciously aware of.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Here's what I mean by that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: When I would look in the mirror,

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'd see myself, I'm looking at myself on camera and I also, maybe this has made me the podcast that somebody did with my clarity, do I don't know.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But I would have a disconnect between the person I feel myself to be and the person that I see.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I would think the same thing when I received certain pictures of myself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not talking about a dislike self-loathing, nothing like that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But because that's not part of the equation,

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[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's what made it difficult to identify.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't know there was there.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But in an instant, in a moment, I had clarity as to who I am.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And the fact that there was a lack of it or a disconnect prior.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm 64 years of age.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So that's a bit of life to go through, not having that connection.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I can't get into why I don't know why that took place.

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[SPEAKER_01]: the clarity made sense on it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I had that discovery and then through therapy and, you know, seeking answers, I found, you know, I was diagnosed with ADHD and had everything to do with how I processed things.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So a lot of the conversation that I had been having with guests over the years doing the podcast and everything, I began to notice how to get

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[SPEAKER_01]: on things and I began to also identify that some of the things that my son does as a result of autism in terms of behavior, someone in their really challenged patients are things that

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[SPEAKER_01]: I do to a lesser extent, and then I also learned that there is a direct connection between ADHD and autism, and that adults or diagnosed with ADHD have a certain propensity or an increase in terms of likelihood of one of their children being diagnosed with autism.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, almost any and everything, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: So if you think about it, when we come into this world, you know, having children is a very to an extent selfish thing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Most people that really want to have children, either want the opportunity to bring someone into this world and bring about happiness for them, some people want the carbon copy of themselves,

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[SPEAKER_01]: someone to mold or whatever the case might be.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But when you have a child, if you have a son, if you're at bad, there's a good chance you're going to share with that child your favorite support and your favorite team and that's for it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And hope that maybe they will become a fan of the same team or the same support, same thing with your favorite music, your favorite recording artist,

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[SPEAKER_01]: Nobody consciously decides that they're going to get in the way of their child discovering things for themselves, but you have an idea as to what you want to impress upon the child.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Just like many people will say, when asked about the gender of their, of the impending birth, they'll say, you know, I really don't care just as long as I have a healthy baby, that's it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that is paramount and most importantly for most people.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right in there is a desire to, you know, a preference maybe for a boy or a girl.

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[SPEAKER_01]: There's also the desire to share with them the things that you would like them to do or that you hope they enjoy.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And we have no control over that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But because that takes place, where come we come out into this world, I like to say as close to perfect as possible.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Someone that I love an environment said,

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[SPEAKER_00]: And Morton ish in more childlike, meaning that as children, we believe that anything is possible.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: We don't have a reason to feel that it's not.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We have a curiosity about each other.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We know what we do and don't like, but we probably make more less statements.

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[SPEAKER_01]: ask more questions, curious about ourselves and about each other, and that leaves room for a tremendous amount of optimism.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But along the way, that gets changed by the influences of the very people who would take a bullet for us.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so, it's no wonder that most of us go into adulthood, not knowing who we are, right, at our very deepest core.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I mean, a strong factual, not one where they hold themselves back, because they believe they can't do certain things.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Or one where they have delusions of grandeur and think they're maybe greater than they are.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Whatever the case may be, when someone has a real true sense of self,

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[SPEAKER_01]: that is such a gift.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's like you really knew your place in the world.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I don't think most people have an idea as to who they are until gosh, probably in their 30s at the very least.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And if you take into consideration the gap between who you are, and maybe who you think you are any lack of clarity, and then add the component of caregiving to that, depending upon your age at the time of diagnosis,

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[SPEAKER_01]: or depending on where you are on that journey of self-discovery, even if you're on that journey, all those things affect the matter in which you give care, in some cases, it affects your ability to give care.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's just 10 times as important as anything else.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so, this is why I've often said,

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[SPEAKER_01]: It makes so much sense to think critically.

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[SPEAKER_01]: In other words, how often do you think about what you think about giving an analogy in the past where I say, I know a lot of people have pulled into their driveway, their garage parking space at their apartment complex, or whatever, or the curtain front of their house.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And this is a certain party you think just got there in Autopilot.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Outside of the fact that you didn't

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[SPEAKER_01]: run any red lights or stop signs.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You don't know how you're got there.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, you know how you got there or that's all you know.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You didn't catch any details along the way or anything because it's autopilot.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And unfortunately, most of us live our lives that way.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So we don't stop and think about what we think about when our consciousness is usually very low.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And the more we would be a much better place and each of us, I think, would live better lives.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't say that comfortably.

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[SPEAKER_01]: try to tell someone how to live their life, but let me retrace that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I would say the chances of one having the quality of life improved if they had a clear idea to who they really truly are and has the consciousness raised.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The chances of having happy fulfilling life, I would imagine

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[SPEAKER_01]: for me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I know that most of us, especially in this day and age of technology, we're just, everything's just, just go, go, go, go.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We don't really think about, we don't think about what we do, we don't think about each other.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So all those things matter.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And so being curious about that, it also affects what we say to ourselves.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The most important words that will ever speak are the ones that we say to ourselves.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And as important as the

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[SPEAKER_01]: that we say with our mouth, the ones that we say with our mind to ourselves, those are the ones that carry the most weight because they're subconscious.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And again, not thinking about what we think about.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Now being an autopilot is a good thing, especially or candy, especially if you have managed to instill a habit that serves you and allows you to serve others.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But when we just

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[SPEAKER_01]: don't even think about what we're doing, it means that there's a certain amount of aimless wandering that has to take place if you think about it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So, I think a good question to ask that a good place to start is, you know, who am I outside of being a parent or caregiver?

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[SPEAKER_01]: Who am I outside of a spouse?

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[SPEAKER_00]: All those things.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, the other thing that's of great

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[SPEAKER_01]: you start by thinking about these things, but then give yourself grace, because what will happen, as you begin to think about these things, is you're certain to have a realization that I've had, which is that there's probably a certain amount of time and or life that may feel wasted.

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[SPEAKER_01]: At the very least, there'll be thoughts of

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[SPEAKER_01]: instances that remind you of time that you wish you could get back.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We can't do anything about that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So the first thing to do when that happens is to give yourself some kind of grace.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because all you can do is what you can with the day that's in front of you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You can't do anything with the past.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I should take that back.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The closest you can come to going back in time

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[SPEAKER_01]: change history, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: We can't change the past, but we can change the value that we put on things of the past.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Say, for instance, there's something in your past that you wish you could do differently, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: You can't go back and exchange it unless you know a guy with, I don't know, I don't know, from Jack the pair and a delorean, Dr. Hong, whatever the case might be.

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[SPEAKER_01]: If you don't have a time machine, you can't go back and change it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But you can change the way you perceive

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[SPEAKER_01]: in the past.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You can change the value that you put on it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Because the value that we put on things that have taken place in the past is everything to do with the matter on which it affects us today.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And the truth of the matter is today is all that we have till some comes up tomorrow isn't even here.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Tomorrow is a bunch of things about our promises, not one of them.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And again, as important as that is to anyone generally speaking, it's ten times more important to our community.

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[SPEAKER_01]: set boundaries within yourself, another thing that's helpful and I should reiterate again, no matter what I learn, I will never leave myself and expert with any and everything.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I think there's so many gurus in the social media and personal development or self-help space that

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[SPEAKER_01]: you know, when you say that you're an expert, it almost means that you have nothing else to to learn.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm just sharing things that I discovered and what's helped me and hopefully there's some relatability there and you can feel like you're not alone.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But getting back to boundaries within yourself, that starts with giving yourself some grace, allowing some time for rest

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[SPEAKER_01]: permission to let go of the past.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I mean, not just the baggage that you've been carrying for 10 years, but it might be certain that I haven't 10 minutes ago.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I know that from experience, because it's more of a challenge for me to let go, is what I still carry that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I know perfection is not part of the human experience.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But every day,

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[SPEAKER_01]: you know, I'm driven by the idea of just being the best parent of the best husband that I can possibly be.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'd be lying if I said that I'm as patient as I'd like to be.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not always my wife has so much more patience than me.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But it's a work in progress and it's something that I that I'd never give up working on.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And we are a work in progress, anyway, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: I saw a

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[SPEAKER_01]: who's the director for one of the, that one of the longest study and human development and happiness in this country.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he talked about the fact that he is also a practitioner of Buddhism.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And he talked about something called, what is the word?

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[SPEAKER_01]: It is in,

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[SPEAKER_01]: impermanence, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: The idea that nothing is permanent.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And if you think about that fact, that's something that can serve as well.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I grew up with a fear of death.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, my father would tell me at 10, 11 years old, you know, we're not going to be a forever.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to be a forever.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Mom's not going to be a forever.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Grandma's not going to be a forever.

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[SPEAKER_01]: that you love, know that you love them.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you stay your closer to death.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And my response was I was like, dude, I am trying to watch Scooby freaking do.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I just, I, I can't, I can't hear that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I grew up with a fear of death.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I can't say that I don't have it anymore because it's a fear of the unknown, but I've realized several things.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The sooner that we embrace the idea that the space on this earth is a rental,

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[SPEAKER_01]: The sooner we can make the most out of our stay here, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: There isn't any way around that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's just an unavoidable fact, but I also think that as much as we may fear death, I think what we fear more than anything else is dying less complete, dying with our dreams still within us.

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[SPEAKER_01]: all form of creation.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's some of the greatest ones, a fun and cemeteries because people die with their songs or dreams or their hopes still inside of them.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I think most of us are probably a little more afraid of that than we are with death.

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[SPEAKER_01]: This is some fear of death because we don't know what happens when we depart.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But I think it's the unknown in addition to, I should say, the unchased, the dream that we

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[SPEAKER_01]: Um, today, where, you know, if you think about this, if you knew that you, if you are in your deathbed, if you knew you had days to live, what would you really regret the most?

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[SPEAKER_01]: And that's something to think about.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But then by the same token, if as you know it, that is not the case.

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[SPEAKER_01]: that's something to do something about right now.

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[SPEAKER_01]: All those things go back to and are tied to knowing ourselves.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Questions like that allow one to know oneself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And you may already know the answers of those things, but the something to be said for seeing it out loud and acknowledging what's the most important thing to you.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then as a caregiver, one of the other things that's very important

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[SPEAKER_01]: guilt into responsibility.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't like the idea of suppressing emotion or acting like something's not there.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So let's say something takes place.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Let's take autism for example.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, good to apply with any disability.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But let's say your child doesn't melt down.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And you exhibit less patients than you would like.

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[SPEAKER_01]: and if you have been less than patient, you should feel guilty.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But it's one thing to feel guilty and to embrace it and hold on to it tight and never let it go and have it dictate the rest of your day, portion of your week, your life, whatever the case might be.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's another thing to embrace it, hold on to it and face it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Take a breath and then let it go.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Now, it might not be as simple as just, you let it go and then that's the end of that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it takes some time to do that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But again, like everything else, a work in progress.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, so, and that's something that is easier said than done.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But,

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's as worth it as it as it can be difficult.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's my estimation anyway.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's been my experience or what I've continued to learn.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then the other thing is you can't sustainably care for others if your relationship with yourself is rooted in neglect.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Very difficult thing to do because caregiving is a very selfless thing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But a droning person can't be helped by someone

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[SPEAKER_01]: there's the analogy of putting your face mask on first on a plane if the oxygen masks come down, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: You can't help a person from weakness as much as you can from strength.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So that's something that is important.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It is important to make sure that we check in with ourselves make our efforts to try and continue to discover who we are.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And here's

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's not, remember I talked before about impermanence, impermanence, excuse me, evolution of self is to say it's important as an understatement, right?

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[SPEAKER_01]: So if you look at

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[SPEAKER_01]: your caregiving is something that causes you to neglect yourself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Again, you stop and so for flex.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's where things like the other thing that may help.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I know in many, in some communities, in some, some minority communities and for men, the idea of therapy and speaking with someone is just a foreign thing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We're not always open to that.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But there's something to be said for it,

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[SPEAKER_01]: giving you a shot and trying.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And then when you do that, you know, it's not like you find that therapists, you have a conversation and you're locked into that person.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You have to be able to feel good about who you're speaking with.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I should dial that back a bit.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's not just about feeling good.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You should feel like it can be productive.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it might take two or three appointments to find that out.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You don't want someone that you get along with, so we get along

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[SPEAKER_01]: blow smoke and tell you the things that you want to hear.

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[SPEAKER_01]: At the same time, you don't need to be sitting down with someone that's a jerk and completely be raped you or that you just don't vibe with at all.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But it's all a process of elimination and a matter of growth and steps.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You try it as you go along.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And who knows, you know, those things are not to take place, you know, or something, they don't have to be something that you're locked into for a period of

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[SPEAKER_01]: You grow with each one, but self-reflection is important.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Again, that's where these questions come in.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The conversations we have with ourselves, because the conversations we have with ourselves are vital.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I know that

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I know you're having this conversation with yourself, everybody is, but again, often do you think about what it is you're seeing to yourself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So a suffer flexion is important, journaling helps as well, especially if you're not necessarily open the therapy, thinking about what you think about writing that down, coming back to reflect and, you know, allows you to go back and review the way you handle certain things, certain situations.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I know for me, a lot of that has to do with

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[SPEAKER_01]: Gosh, I might not always be a meltdown.

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[SPEAKER_01]: I might be just a way I respond to something that my son says at a given time, something that he says or does.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's one day to feel guilty.

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[SPEAKER_01]: But when, as a parent, you feel like you've given your child something less than what they need or not enough of it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: That's a real crappy feeling.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And I've, I have and continue to evolve

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[SPEAKER_01]: how I deal with those feelings when those moments come about.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And again, can't do anything about what is taken place before.

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[SPEAKER_01]: The closest you can come to doing anything about that is examining the value that you put upon that moment or that feeling, long after it's happened.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And

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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, the things that happen in our lives are not usually happens, that is the things that happen in our mind, whether it's something that we make more of than it might be, you know, whatever the case is, but the surface election is important.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So we'll be continuing.

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[SPEAKER_01]: this series on caregiving and relationships and again today this is the first one that we're looking at which is the relationship with one self because it's also where our responsibility starts our first responsibility is to ourselves we can't give to those that we love if we don't have much to give you know we you might have all the love in the world

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[SPEAKER_01]: a good place and fill with reserves, so to speak, it challenges our ability to give that care.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Then it also affects every other area of relationships in our lives as well, which we will cover in the future.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And some of these episodes will be just myself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Some of them will involve our co-host Maurice and Susanna and some of them will involve guests as we go through this topic.

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[SPEAKER_01]: One again,

33:14.567 --> 33:18.108
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank our community partners, SoulGrain and Billy Footwear.

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[SPEAKER_01]: You can find the link in the show notes to get your discount on your purchase.

33:26.490 --> 33:28.631
[SPEAKER_01]: You can also find that information at our website.

33:28.651 --> 33:31.752
[SPEAKER_01]: The website is beyondvispectrumpodcast.com.

33:32.297 --> 33:41.024
[SPEAKER_01]: beyond the spectrum podcast.com, you can also email us at change of the world at beyond the spectrum podcast.com, I know it's a mouthful.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's change of the world at beyond the spectrum podcast.com.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And for those of you who are men and are caregivers or if you love someone that is a male caregiver, whether they're a dad or a son, whatever the case might be, one encourages

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[SPEAKER_01]: It is a meeting that takes place by weekly on Zoom.

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[SPEAKER_01]: We have members from Mexico City to New York in between here in Los Angeles.

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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's just the safe place for men to share victories, hopes, fears, milestones, breakthroughs, setbacks.

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[SPEAKER_01]: no judgment, anything that might be of importance simply because society does not always encourage men to express things that they are uncertain about and it's been a very rewarding experience for myself.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So if you want to take part in that, you can do so.

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[SPEAKER_01]: It's free of charge and again, I want to thank you for tuning in for another episode of Beyond the Spectrum.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for

34:48.885 --> 34:53.266
[SPEAKER_01]: everybody needs the same thing everybody needs to be seen needs to be heard needs to be loved and needs to know that they matter.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Questions are more powerful in statements let's try and make sure that we make our our space on this planet the best that we can for other people and give people the room that they need to be loved and grow and look forward to seeing you on the next episode.

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[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much.